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Thursday, April 28, 2016

Winning, Losing, and Riding: Thoughts From a Former Kid

I recently ran across a personal situation in which a kid was pursuing a complex sport that the parents knew next to nothing about. The situation reminded me strongly of my own childhood, so I wrote a note to the parents in hopes it would help them clarify the situation, their roles, and what was in it for their child.
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1) There's nothing wrong with being hands off as a parent. 

To this day, my dad doesn't know what color/gender/type of horse I had or even really what we did with it. He and mom made sure I got where I needed to be when I needed to be there, but it was on me to arrange transportation for my horse, make sure I had the correct equipment, was adequately prepared, and knew what forms to get to what people. 

This was hard for me. I was a really shy kid, and it terrified me to call people in my club each week to ask for horse hauling. The net result was that I learned to develop working relationships with adults who could help me. I learned to network and find creative options. I learned to be grateful for the kind people who were willing to help me, and I learned how to verbalize what I needed and when I needed it. 
2) There's nothing wrong with losing. 

This is one of the most important lessons. Whether or not I was a good rider at home, I wasn't a particularly good rider at horse shows, especially at first. Part of that was riding borrowed horses, part of that was not having much show experience, part of that was nerves. I lost a lot. I lost in horribly public and humiliating ways. I not only got disqualified in all the usual ways, I invented new and creative ways to lose. 

I have lost far more horse shows than I have ever won. I learned far more from losing than I ever did from winning. Losing taught me that preparation is everything. Losing taught me that life isn't fair. Losing taught me that no matter how embarrassing and horrible a loss was, the sun still rises and life goes on. Losing taught me to be humble. Losing taught me how to empathize with people who struggle. Losing taught me to take what I'm handed and keep on trying, no matter what. 

Winning feels good, but feeling good isn't really something most of us need a lot of practice at.
shake it off
3) Preserve your relationship with your kid.

As I mentioned, my parents knew nothing about my sport of choice. I'll probably never forget the day my mom tried to rush me getting ready for a lesson and put my saddle on backwards right when my instructor walked around the corner. Thanks mom. ;-) I really appreciated my non-horsey parents though. In my observation, the parents who knew the sport forwards and backwards were frequently the parents that sabotaged their own relationships with their children. 

My mom knew to pack food, sit here, and not talk to me before classes (I knew to be polite and keep my distance when I felt stressed). My dad learned how to memorize courses and talk me through them before my classes so I wouldn't miss basic things. Beyond that, they were hands off and we were stronger for it. They didn't pick at me, share my stress, or try to control me. They knew I was prepared and they were there to cheer for me (loudly and inappropriately, always), make sure I was fed, and be supportive, no matter what. 
It was important that they were there. One of my clearest memories is at one of my worst horse shows ever--I'd fallen off TWICE in front of everyone. I was hurting and humiliated and disqualified and I wanted to pack up and go home. My Dad came up to me privately while I sat on the (hateful) horse in tears and wanted to sink through the ground. He told me that he didn't care if I ever rode well or ever sat on a horse again after that day. Life was bigger than horse shows. He cared about what kind of person I was and no matter what, I couldn't quit right then. I could quit tomorrow. I could quit next week. But that day, no matter what, I had to finish what I had started. 

He was right. I finished. It was horrible. It was years before I ever won anything and it wasn't until my adult life that I was really any good at much. I'm still not great at riding, but I 100% know that I am a stronger, better person for what I learned through participating (and losing) at sports as a kid.  

My dad still can't tell you what color/gender/type of horse I ride and that doesn't matter. The character lessons I learned from losing and trying anyways mattered far, far more to me in every aspect of my life than winning ever did. 

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27 comments:

  1. Wonderfully written. It sounds like you have great parents!

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  2. This is so perfectly written, my parents were the same. Wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Horses have so many valuable lessons to teach.

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  3. This is great! Your parents sound like amazing people.

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  4. Love it!! My parents were very similar - they didn't understand one bit of the horse thing, but were so supportive and pushed me to work hard at it anyway!

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  5. My Mom is terrified of horses and probably would prefer I didn't ride, but she tries really hard to be supportive. My Dad isn't really an animal person, but he understands sports so he tries to connect with me from that aspect. As long as they are both trying, that's all that matters to me. =-)

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  6. I absolutely loved this! As a former kid that lost a lot too, it gave me all the feels.

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  7. What an excellent post! "but feeling good isn't really something most of us need a lot of practice at." Amen.

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  8. Good stuff! Supportive and indulgent are not the same thing and that comes across in this post.

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  9. This is so great!! Similar to my parents really :)

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  10. Some nice, thoughtful comments! And... How great to have parents that supported you in their own best ways! Nice for you....good on them...

    Agreed, losing can teach a lot! And so can winning. When I finally got chance to begin competing at my love horse sport...I made up my mind to to always be so grateful to be there finally, to compete against myself not others & to look at it as "what's our (me & horse partner) absolute best today"...


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  11. Your parents are pretty cool! My dad is kind of like your dad, but he has not made it to any of my shows. And that's ok to me, because I feel a little less pressure. I just want him to think that I am happy with what I am doing. Mom, well, she knows stuff about horses, but nothing about what I am doing, but she is trying. But she taught me some stuff as a kid. Like why bras are important for riding when I get older.

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  12. Both my parents were pretty horrible at supporting anything we did as kids, but my mom at least has been trying to make up for it the past several years with my horse(s). Mostly she just likes to tell me that it's such a shame Bobby isn't as pretty as Red was, but she's also loaned me money for unforeseen vet expenses before, and is constantly bragging to her friends about the semi-exciting things Bobby and I get up to.

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  13. I always win at Crappy Parent Bingo, so I honestly don't know what I'm doing with my kids and the horses. I do try not to push them into it, because I know that it's my passion and not necessarily theirs. I let them come to me when they want to ride and let them ride as much or as little as they want. And I plan on sending them to riding lessons when they get more serious, because me trying to teach them anything more advanced than "stop, go, turn" will end in therapy.

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  14. Might need to print this out and staple it to some of the parents I had to deal with while I was teaching pony club!

    My mom always had horses so was incredibly supportive, she actually comes to all of TC's vet appointments and asks my vet way too many questions. She also made it to all my FEI tests with Rico, though tells me that she doesn't want to watch me show TC for a while because apparently we're boring. Oh well.

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    1. I get the feeling TC will be anything but boring.

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    2. I think you will be ecstatic if TC is boring.

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  15. All the feels. My parents don't know anything about horses either. Just that it makes me happy. And that makes them happy.

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  16. This brought tears to my eyes...thank you for sharing this!
    My daughter, her dad, and I all learned together about horses and showing when she got into it at age 9. We leased a couple of horses before buying her a totally inappropriate OTTB :) She lost, a lot. But she herself will tell you, she is a stronger person for it.
    Now that daughter cheers me on and gives the pep talks when a test does not go as I planned.

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  17. My parents weren't particularly horsey when I first started riding, but they've both been tremendous not only in supporting me, but in learning along with me. To this day, they still travel to see me show at least once a year!

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  18. Aww! My parents were/are very supportive. They don't know a whole lot about horses but are always there to listen and if we lived in the same area I'm sure they'd be at my shows my lessons like they were when I was a kid. Aww I'm totally missing my folks right now! Love this post.

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  19. This post is so amazing! I'm like Courage and can't handle all the feelings...but seriously this post is so sweet and made me tear up.

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  20. Love it. My parents WERE horsy, but still managed to be hands off. Dad taught me to braid then walked away. He gave me pep talks before XC - then walked away. Mum hid her fear that I was going to die on XC for 20 years. And yes, I was always told - you can quit. But not today.

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  21. This is awesome. You should share this with the entire world -- send it to Horse Junkies or Eventing Nation or something!

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  22. I somehow missed this post, but had a similar experience as you. Supportive (but horrifically non horsey) parents. They showed up to (most) things and clapped wildly since it is impossible to tell if your kid and her pissed-off-pony just NAILED that Training Level dressage test, or had the worst ride of their lives. at the time I resented that they didn't know if I was succeeding or not. But I'd take that ignorance over the obsessive, over-educated horse moms who I saw berating their kids rides at the back gate. no. thank. you.

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