Here's the thing: I always thought that the reason I was terrified of jumping and trail riding and windy days and bad weather was because I was a crappy rider and if my perfectly reasonable horse did something predictable, I wasn't good enough to hang with it and I might get hurt badly. I was basing this supposition on the fact that it had happened before.
Enter Cuna.
Spending time with this old guy made me realize a few things.
1) I am not that terrible of a rider. I certainly had issues when I came to Stephanie in November, but I have improved drastically and am doing really well.
2) There are horses out there who will straight up let you ride them. He may not really, really -want- to do something, but if I ask him to, he will anyways. He won't rear. He won't threaten me. He's just generally a good guy.
3) Izzy is something less than the perfectly rational creature I was envisioning. Actually, most horses will go on trail rides. Many horses jump reliably. It is weird that she's usually great and occasionally terrible regardless of the style of care she's receiving.
4) Jumping and trail riding and new situations are not necessarily causes for complete panic. They can be fun. They should be fun. This picture of Izzy was taken on one of our best jumping days ever. It's gorgeous. I was terrified, and we were jumping crossrails.
After some pretty serious conversations with people I know and trust, I have come to this conclusion: Izzy is a lovely, lovely mare. She is an awesome mover, a reasonably scopey jumper, and she is not the horse for me right now. She really needs a rider who will either not push her or who will push her and not care. Izzy is smart enough not to hurt herself--it's just that she can stop well short of hurting herself and still scare me to death.
It's not that I need to just "grow a pair and get over it". This is something I do for fun, and she isn't fun for me. Cuna is fun. Other horses are fun. Izzy scares me and she knows it, and there is no reason for that to keep going on. Trust me when I say I haven't taken this decision lightly. I have waffled for weeks. I've probably driven everyone around me completely mad talking about it, but the feedback I've gotten is pretty unanimous. Even my husband, who is in no way a horse person, told me I should sell her. His words: "you sound way less confident now than when you started riding her". A blogger friend whose advice I solicited said this: "...the whole tone of your writing changed, you are comfortable, you are confident..." when referring to my stint on Cuna.
And you know what? I want to be that way. I want to enjoy this. I want to roll out of bed in the morning, excited to go for a ride because I know it will (usually) be a good experience. I don't want to dread jumping because of my horse. She can jump. She can jump very well. It's just that she and I have a personality conflict that goes deeper than training issues. She is a horse that HAS to be ridden forward--constantly. I am comfortable on a horse that just is forward. I don't want to chase them to the jump; I want them to take me.
It's a completely different paradigm. I cannot ask Izzy to be that horse, because she isn't that horse and there's nothing that will change that. She needs a rider that appreciates the gorgeous, vivacious creature that she is and can handle her quirks, and right now, it isn't me. She is a fabulous horse. I want all the best for her, and I am torn up about the whole thing--I want her to be right for me, but she isn't.
For three years, I've been sitting here saying, "Next year I'll enjoy this. Next year will be better." The truth is, "next year" cannot come for a meeting of incompatibles. Realistically, this year can be the year we both find something that makes us happy--Izzy can be someone else's ridiculously photogenic horse and I can find something that makes me happy. I don't know what that is yet, but I'm certain I'll find it.
Please don't take this the wrong way--Izzy is not a bad horse. She's still the Wondermare and I love her. It's just that I love her more from a distance than I do up close, and I want us both to be in a situation where we'll be happy.
Kudos to you for having the courage to change something that just isn't working. That takes guts; it's no small thing!
ReplyDeleteI'm fairly certain I've told you this before, but life is too short to not be happy. Not every horse and rider are compatible. I know that both of you will find happiness and success elsewhere. I know just how much you've agonized over this... and want you to know that I fully support your decision :)
100% agree with you - if you aren't really excited about riding everyday (well ok most days, haha) then something isn't right. I sold my previous horse for similar reasons. We just didn't get along. It wasn't fun. For either of us. Part of me felt like a failure because I couldn't make him be what I wanted. But gosh that would be like trying to change a man to be what I wanted. (not going to work) When really, it's just a personality conflict and that is ok. :) I'm interested to hear what your next step may be.
ReplyDelete;-) Well written. Now go have a great, fun ride!
ReplyDeleteYou just described the relationship I had with my last horse, and surprise, she was a mare too. ;) She was an awesome horse. Everybody in town knew her and loved her. I did not - because I wasn't having any fun. She wasn't the right horse for me at that point in my 'career'. And there was no way I was going to learn to jump with her. I found the horse for me. His sale description was written for me and I've been happy ever since. Even when some days he's a little bratty, he takes good care of me. I actually trust him.
ReplyDeleteNot all decisions in life are easy, but you have to do what's best for you. Yes, life is much too short.
Very well said. I can totally and completely relate to this. I was in a very very similar situation in the last couple years and I can tell you that you won't regret this decision. It certainly comes with some heartache as you say good bye to a friend but in the end it will be the right choice for both of you.
ReplyDeleteA very well thought out decision - these things are never easy, but it's important for both of you to be happy with your situations and your decision should lead to that for both of you. A win all around - although definitely not easy to decide.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel a sense of relief from reaching this conclusion. It sounds like the best plan possible, for both you and Izzy. A living example of the Serenity prayer in action.
ReplyDeleteMore power to you to be able to make this decision! You are doing whats right for both of you and that is awesome! I know that you will find the right home for her and we will be here to support you the whole way!
ReplyDeleteGood for you for having the courage and being able to distance yourself enough to realize that it's not working as well as you want it to, and maybe never will with her! Nothing wrong with either of you individually, sometimes horse/rider partnerships just don't quite mesh right.
ReplyDeleteMy current lease-mare is a lovely stunning example of a horse that is a terrible fit for a lot of people, her owner included. Owner would much rather ride a nice, sane, calm, bombproof horse. Lease-mare is not that; she's reactive, jumpy, opinionated, high-energy and needs a serious workload to stay sane. They're both lovely, but together they're a terrible match and she knows it. Lease-mare and I do much better together, and everyone involved is happier for it.
I hope you're able to find new and happier situations for both of you :)
I agree with Ellie that life is too short to not be happy. I have noticed a change in your writing tone, but not knowing you at all, I did not say anything. I can't say I am surprised. Follow your gut and do what works for you. Things will work out because you are a thinking and caring horsewoman! :-)
ReplyDeleteVery tough thing to admit to yourself. Definitely in the life is too short boat. I think the thing that amazes me the most about Charlie is I walk away from just about every day at the barn smiling - never used to be that way. I wish that for you - kudos to you for making a very tough and emotional decision. Izzy will make someone happy (because she's awesome in her own right!) and it's ok that someone isn't you. Best wishes to you! ;)
ReplyDeleteHard decision, but good for you! Ultimately, both you AND Izzy will be happier with the right match.
ReplyDeleteRiding costs too much to be unhappy. It made me sad to read but happy that you're strong enough to come to this conclusion. Do what makes you happy.
ReplyDeleteHave you talked to Stephanie?
I think we've all owned or ridden one of those horses. I've been on multiple and it definitely makes you start to doubt your horsey self-worth. You made Izzy into a pretty kick ass pony and I think it's a really brave, smart decision to find someone else that can take you where you want without scaring the shit out of you.
ReplyDelete: ) I kinda had a feeling when you first posted Cuna that this might be the inevitable end. And huge kudos to you! Sometimes we have to discover what feels right, to know what felt wrong. You LOVE riding and while you LOVE the wondermare, it's okay to know that you don't love riding the wondermare. Every ride should be special, even the bad ones, on a horse that you can fall off of, make a mess of and try something new on, and never, ever be frightened or self-doubting. Go find that horse and be proud of yourself for making that next step.
ReplyDeleteIt says so much about your character that you were able to come to this difficult decision. It was fortunate that you had this unlikely opportunity to see what you're capable with (not just on a schoolmaster like Cuna) on other horses. Riding should always be fun and when it's not (or when it makes you fearful/nervous/anxious) there's just no point. Good luck with the next chapter!
ReplyDeleteYou need a horse to enjoy and Izzy needs a rider that can enjoy her. It is often hard to tell with 'hot' horses if they are too hot or not. I think that if you want challenged as a rider, then a horse that is a step ahead of you can be a great learning experience, but a horse that is 6 steps ahead of you is just disaster; your confidence goes backwards, the horse's confidence either goes backwards or turns into a tyrant, it is just too big a gap. And there is no cure for it. Every horse and every rider just do not belong together. I hope you find the right rider for Izzy and ENJOY this year!
ReplyDeleteI wrote about this situation recently. http://buckskinandbay.blogspot.com/2012/01/when-is-it-ok-to-give-up-or-move-on-how.html
ReplyDeleteRiding should be fun and safe, or as safe as possible, for one's level. I thought this might happen too, as Sand said, cus your writing has changed since your new situation.
Go for what makes you happy...and have some fun!!!
Even the right decision is hard to make where our hearts are concerned. I know you will find Izzy a fabulous home and things will work out the best for both of you. Still, thoughts are with you cause I know it isn't easy!!
ReplyDeleteKudos! Coming to this conclusion can be the biggest, hardest obstacle to get over for some people. Sometimes putting the horse in someone elses capable hands for a little while can straighten things out for you both. Then again, sometimes there are just things there that scream NO!
ReplyDeleteYou spend the money on the horse, you should be rewarded with a calm, fun, relaxing, learning ride when you can get in the saddle. It shouldn't ever be a scary trip from Hell to go over a few jumps or out on the trail.
There is nothing wrong with selling her to fund buying another horse who can help boost your confidence in riding again. If it isn't meant to be, there is no forcing it.
My mare is out being ridden by someone else last month and this one. I go ride her Sunday for the first time. I am nervous, but I have to get over it. She may be for sale soon too. Or she may become an awesome driving horse. Time will tell.
I wish you and Izzy the best!
I think you're making a good decision. I had to make a similar choice with my first horse. In the end it worked out, she went on to be a games pony and i found my heart horse. I'm sure it will work out for you too! Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a tough decision -- I absolutely support you in it. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help or support or anything through the process of sell/buy. If you want, I can put G&B on the lookout for an appropriate horse to point your way or Stephanie's.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs.
Huge kudos for this decision, I know it's not an easy one by a long shot. However, having followed your journey and been in similar situations in my past too, I think your choice makes a lot of sense! Emotions run high with horses, but at the end of the day, it's too expensive of a sport to not be having the.time.of.your.life when you're in the saddle plus, there is no shame in averting physical harm which is a very reasonable and realistic possibility as you experienced when the horse and rider are not well matched. You can love her to pieces and not mesh with her and that's totally ok. Proud of you and here to support you however I can!
ReplyDeleteBravo to you for being rational about this. I don't think you could have come to this realization without your move to this new barn, which opened up new experiences and availed you of the insights of those with much wider experiences than yours. I envy your position of access to a variety of horses - it is making an amazing rider of you.
ReplyDeleteThis is a testament to how much you have grown in your new experience and to how open-minded you are as a person. I think that you got so used to being nervous with Izzy that you forgot how much fun riding can be. Cuna was the horse to show you how to have fun again. Horses like him are one in a million. Now go out and find yours!
ReplyDeleteTough decision, I know. Tucker is for me a lot like Izzy is for you, so I understand much better than you might think. Since I have no aspirations to show anymore and I have Chance to play around with, I can cope with Tucker's quirks.
ReplyDeleteIt's no fun when your horse intimidates you. You've done a fabulous job bringing Izzy along. Don't underestimate yourself. I'm glad Cuna has been able to restore your confidence and teach you that you need the right horse to pursue your goals. Sounds as if it's time for you to move on.
You're making a wise choice. I'll be really interested to hear how your efforts go. Wishing you all the best.
In the end, it is all about what works best for you.
ReplyDeleteI have had thoughts, many times, of selling Riva and getting a been there done that horse. But something always stops me and I am totally ok with that happening, now. Riva had physical issues that after resolving (club foot and not perfect knee) have made a huge chance in her attitude...and a good fitting saddle.
Plus I have the added benefit of a fearless teenage daughter that can ride Riva occasionally - as she needs to be ridden. In that way, I can take my time and learn with Riva.
No one should question your decision. From reading your blog, I can feel how much you care about Izzy.
I think you're smart and brave to make this decision. I know from reading your blog that Izzy is a great horse, so I know your decision isn't about that. Finding the right match for both of you sooner rather than later is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteWe all know how difficult a decision this is, and empathize. I am proud of you for looking into your relationship with your horse, for trying with other horses and realizing that being a mismatch makes neither party a "bad" anything. It just is.
ReplyDeleteAn ammy owner needs a horse with first a good mind, and secondly one whose quirks or preferences line up with the rider. The most athletic horse in the world is useless if one can't ENJOY it. And there shouldn't be any shame in that. Izzie has a good mind, but her preferences don't match up with yours. You could probably deal with a much hotter horse than some of us would like, too. There are tons of horses you will probably mesh well with, and Izzie is still very young and useful and should be able to find a good partner as well.
Hope your Cali trip is productive, and I hope all works for the best for you and Izzie. New partnerships help expand our horizons.
Very well written. I don't know you very well, but it was pretty obvious when Cuna came into the picture that he is just what you need right now. It was like a weight lifted off your shoulders. And I agree- riding, at it's core, should be fun... or why do it?
ReplyDeleteI have been mia lately and just read this. I feel for you on how of a decision must have been. I'd have to fully agree with the bloggers advice you have not only enjoyed riding and been happy but the change it has made in your confidence has been so great to watch and hear. Good luck through this process.
ReplyDeleteI agree you should be on a horse you WANT to ride and feel happy and comfortable riding.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this and it can't have been easy for you.
This must be a very hard decsion for you. Sending hugs your way.
Good for you! Tough decision (believe me I know) but there are happier paths out there for both of you.
ReplyDeleteThis brought tears to my eyes. I know you must be torn up about this decision, but like everyone else said I think it's the right one. Riding Izzy doesn't make you happy or confident, so she's not the right horse for you. We know she's still an amazing horse and don't hold that against her (or you!). Just remember all the great thing you did for her. You took amazing care of her and got her started brilliantly. She has all of this potential because of the work you did with her. Now she can go on to do amazing things with the right kind of rider that matches her personality. And you can find a new horse who is willing and eager to do the things you want to do. A teammate who works with you instead of fighting you every step of the way. I'm proud of you for making this decision and excited for you too. A good friend of mine just went through this too, but she waited until she got hurt to make the decision. She's okay, but he really shattered her confidence. I'll miss the Wondermare and hope you'll keep in touch with her new owner and share photos if you can that they might send. You go girl!!
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