Last fall, I started an adventure. I wrote 100,000 words in four months. I churned out a solid manuscript for the story of a girl conquering her personal demons and coming into her own. That was the first 75k.
The next 25 was the continuation. She had to continue to grow, to deal with the fallout.
She had to see the one who helped her overcome suffer and she had to deal with losing him.
I think that's why I stopped.
I know how to fear. I've learned to overcome.
I don't know what to do with loss.
The one who helped me overcome is still here. He's physically healed, more or less. I see him. I still love him, and yet it's like we don't speak the same language anymore. Our bond was built through a long gauntlet of trust and confidence and mind numbing fear. We've come out on the other side. He taught me to overcome, and yet in the process, he gave up everything.
He's not who he was. I'm not who I was.
I don't know how to reconcile the two.
I
want him to be who he was to me for the past year. I want that fire,
that passion, that connection. I want to know that we trust each other
more than anything. I want to know that we can overcome anything
together and we will always take care of each other.He barely looks at me right now. I'm almost afraid to touch him. I am afraid to know the truth. Afraid to find out where we stand. It seems safer to not know than to find out for sure that we can never be again.
I don't want him to teach me how to lose someone.
On so many levels. <3
ReplyDelete((((hugs))))
ReplyDeleteI wish, even a year later, that I had something insightful to say about loss.
ReplyDeleteIf you figure out how to process it before I do, let me know.
If he's ready to be retired, he'll let you know. Maybe he is letting you know. He's not truly lost to you though, but like all relationships, maybe it was time for yours to change, so he could rest and you could transition some fire and passion to a younger horse. This change doesn't have to mean loss though, not yet.
Someday he will be truly lost, hopefully later rather than sooner, and it'll be one of the hardest emotions you'll ever face, so embrace him and whatever his personality is now, find out where you stand and go from there.
HUGS... Life is a path... Just keep walking it ... Honest to yourself and others...
ReplyDeleteWhat Suzanne said. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other - hugs to you and The Big Red Pony.
ReplyDeleteLoss comes in many forms and so does learning to deal with it. Enjoy each day, because that is all you can really do. Cuna is far from lost, though!
ReplyDeleteStrange, my husband and I were just talking about the loss of my daughter's Henny the other night. Will be two years ago the first weekend of Oct. And you are so right, only a horse person understands.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
I never got the chance to discover a new relationship with my gelding - and while at the time I was afraid as to what that might have looked like - today I just wish I would have been able to find out.
ReplyDeleteHugs for you. I have had an incredibly massive personal, human loss in my life over the past two years (not Solo, much much worse) that created a devastating chasm of grief and has no answer or resolution. But there are many different perspectives and even though I will never be the person I was before, I am slowly learning to hold on to the positive things where I can.
ReplyDeleteAnd not to be presumptuous, but Cunafish is not lost. You can see him, touch him, be with him. He is still there for you, he is alive, he is healthy. Horses are creatures of routine, so his routine has changed: he has pasture buddies who make up the center of his day now, but that doesn't mean it can't change again. Because the definition of life is change and there are many ways to love.
I would urge you to not be afraid to take advantage of time available. That time is finite, with both horses and the people that we love, so as long as they are here, never miss a chance to hug them and love the moments we can share with them.
<3
This on so many levels. And what EnglishRider said as well. There are really no words. The best I can articulate is an actual oceanic riptide, the only thing that quiets it in my world is drowning it in sound. Fake another smile until they walk away because they won't understand.
DeleteHugs, I don't know what else to say :-(
ReplyDeleteOh, friend... you've had enough character building this year to fill your quota for at least the next five! I don't know what more I can add to the lovely comments above this one. Just know that I'm here for you and that you and the big red man are in my thoughts. I sure do love his giant bambi face.
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ReplyDeleteThis is the definition of a true relationship. All that matters is how much you've learned from each other and the souls you have become. When you feel detached from your relationship, remember what you've overcome. If I can do it, so can you. <3
ReplyDeleteIt can be really hard to enjoy the time you have left when you spend so much of that time missing/wishing/aching for how things used to be. Hugs.. and thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteHard Hard times, but remember if he doesn't look at you it isn't because he doesn't care, it is because grass tastes so delicious! Lots of eloquent comments to read here and a wealth of shared strength.
ReplyDeleteSo perfect!
ReplyDeleteequestriantrend.blogspot.com
I remember getting very sage advice from my now brother in law before I got married. He said that marriage is not about how much you love each other now, it's about how you handle how each other will change and grow. Because change and growth are inevitable and the relationship must expand to include that.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to let your relationship change into something else. It's also okay to be grateful and allow each other to move on if that's where you're at.
There's some saying out there that's super trite and kind of makes me want to punch people (I know, sorry...working on my aggro issues. haha) but it's appropriate. It's the one about how some friends are for a season, a reason or a lifetime. It doesn't lessen the friendship to not be a lifetime one.
You needed him. He took care of you the best he could.
ReplyDeleteNow he needs you. And you're doing your best. Keep going even when it's hard. Keep hugging even when you're scared he wont hug you back. <3 <3
What Sarah said is incredibly insightful -- and eventer79 too. Horses are creatures of routine, and his has changed, but he still knows you. Not as the person who spends hours and hours with him during the day and rides him, but as the person who brings cookies and brushes and kind words as an extra blessing in blessed days.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
So, sorry, many of us totally understand this feeling in some way or another. It's painful to see loved ones change and age. Don't pull away for the what-ifs, then you've effectively lost him for sure, just keep loving in him, and he'll do the same it just may look different.
ReplyDeleteYou never know what is still in store. If it's only turnout/love-it can be so fulfilling. If it's something more...stay and find out. I find the connection on the ground through grooming, love, play to be so tremendously important. It's what we do with our dogs. He's your big silly dog. Take him on walks. Or love him in what he's capable of. Brush him, dote on him. You can build on that.
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