This is more personal than I usually am on this blog, but it's a piece I wrote that wouldn't make sense to the non-horsey in my life. Horses have always been the lens that allowed me to understand life, and I'd be sunk without my incredible husband who keeps me steady.
Last fall, I started an adventure. I wrote 100,000 words in four
months. I churned out a solid manuscript for the story of a girl
conquering her personal demons and coming into her own. That was the
The next 25 was the continuation. She had to continue to grow, to deal with the fallout.
She had to see the one who helped her overcome suffer and she had to deal with losing him.
I think that's why I stopped.
I know how to fear. I've learned to overcome.
I don't know what to do with loss.
one who helped me overcome is still here. He's physically healed, more
or less. I see him. I still love him, and yet it's like we don't speak
the same language anymore. Our bond was built through a long gauntlet of
trust and confidence and mind numbing fear. We've come out on the other
side. He taught me to overcome, and yet in the process, he gave up
He's not who he was. I'm not who I was.
I don't know how to reconcile the two.
want him to be who he was to me for the past year. I want that fire,
that passion, that connection. I want to know that we trust each other
more than anything. I want to know that we can overcome anything
together and we will always take care of each other.
barely looks at me right now. I'm almost afraid to touch him. I am
afraid to know the truth. Afraid to find out where we stand. It seems
safer to not know than to find out for sure that we can never be again.
I don't want him to teach me how to lose someone.