|But she was beautiful|
It was such a tricky process. I'd never dealt with crushing physical fear before and I was always just trying to turn the corner and work through it. I hung on until the very bitter end and I almost walked away from horses because I was so miserable.
I've never thought of myself as a proud person, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I needed to admit I was wrong. Fear had become my new normal and I didn't understand that there was another way to live.
|And I was terrified|
Letting go of her was incredibly hard. I was living with a "do or die" mentality and I stuck it out through major set backs, painful injuries, and I was always convinced that things were about to get better. We moved in with my favorite trainer because I knew I needed help.
With the trainer, I always felt like we were so close. I was riding better and pushing myself harder and getting closer, but I was still just flat out terrified. Every time I needed to ride a horse, I felt sick. I loved horses on the ground, but I didn't like riding and I was petrified of jumping.
That was my normal.
It took every second of Cuna's two years with me to undo all the damage that I did by hanging on to Izzy. Even now, I occasionally have a little anxiety about riding Courage. It's not that he's done anything to earn it, but he's put together a lot like Izzy and that can catch me off guard.
|Say hello to C-rage|
I'll probably never have that fearless abandon and unshakable confidence I thought I had before Izzy, but now that I've been down that road, I know how to make better decisions going forward. It's why I'm a happy horse evangelist. Really and truely, if you aren't happy and loving every minute with your horse (and you're an adult ammy), you're doing it wrong. Life is too short and confidence is too hard won to spend time on an animal that is anything less than fun and safe for where you're at right now.
Ok, well that was fun. Maybe we'll do it again some time.