Have phone conversation with potential Izzy buyer.
Immediately impulse buy white rolls and chocolate cream pie.
This can't go on.
As much as she scares me, as much as I love Cuna, she's still my pony mare who I invested in, heart and soul, for the past three years. I know it's time to move on, but the closer that gets to reality, the more batty I feel.
This is an old picture from the first summer I had her, and I've always loved it. She's just so cute and perky and interested.
I know what needs to happen. It will happen. It's just hard, day to day, minute to minute. I never thought it would be like this--she was always going to stay with me forever, and now she isn't.
Here's Cuna the day he showed up at the barn and I shaved all his hair off. It wasn't quite "love at first sight" for us, but he was big, athletic, and honest, so I knew I couldn't go too far wrong by keeping him for a while. I was impressed by the details of his first day--he hadn't been ridden in three months, had never been to that barn before, had never seen me before, and just trooped around like it was nothing.
We couldn't do any serious riding for a few days because he needed his feet and teeth done, but once we got going, I started to have fun. He didn't care that I panicked in front of the jump and clung like a crazed monkey and did all the wrong things. He would remind me not to grab his face and not to duck at the fences, and then he would just do his job.
I thought of him as tool at first. He was broke and honest and I needed to log some miles before Izzy came back. He was aloof and reserved in his stall. Then we had our fateful jumping lesson, the one captured on video. The square oxer in that last line really did it for me. It looked huge and terrifying and I wanted to die just seeing it, but he took it in stride, like it was nothing.
And I said, "There is another way to live".
I immediately regretted it, changed my mind, changed it back, waffled for weeks, consulted my trainer, drove my close friends completely crazy, trolled for opinions, and finally decided that I only like Cuna because he was broke (somehow that was a bad reason? go figure) and that I should keep my horse. Just to be sure, I checked with my trainer one last time.
"So I was thinking about Izzy..." I started.
"You're selling her," she said.
"So it's not just that I need to get better and ride her?"
"No. You're selling her."
In that moment, it was like a ton of bricks just lifted off my shoulders. I had been so conflicted about her for so long that I couldn't even think straight. She was still gone and I was still playing with Cuna, who I liked more and more by the day. He had moved from "tool" to "super cute horse that I ride". I spent most of my time with him doing arena work. After all, I only had him for the next couple of weeks. There was no sense screwing around with hill work and fitness when I was just going to give him back and buy something else once Izzy sold.
I researched and obsessed and wondered what I was going to shop for and how I was going to afford it. I could get either a young green thing or an old broke thing and plenty of unsound things in between. Hm. I decided I would lease Cuna for 6 months, then do the young green thing, since I'm a terrible commitment-phobe and didn't think I could deal with an older horse.
On that note, I headed to California. I set a super cute picture of Cuna as the wallpaper on my phone. The more I looked at it, the more I realized that his face was the one I wanted to go home and see. I felt so disconnected from Izzy. I didn't want to ride her, didn't want to see her, but dangit, I missed his darling old face.
And then his owner offered to sell him to me for a rock bottom price, but said she really couldn't keep him much longer because her life circumstances were changing too much. Also Izzy was sound and needed to come back to the barn to be sold. Cue panic. I cannot afford to board two horses. Period. End of story. I could maybe hack it for a short time, but definitely not in a indeterminate sale situation. That meant Cuna would have to go home while Izzy sold. I connived and obsessed, but there was no way around it: I have neither time nor money for two horses. I let his owner know my plan (Izzy sells in a week, Cuna comes back) and asked if I could come out and ride him with her on the weekends.
It was Saturday, the morning of the show. I was hustling around, getting things ready to go, when Stephanie stopped me. "How busy are you on Saturday mornings?" she asked.
"Usually not very".
She offered me an option: I pick up extra hours at the barn, she pays Izzy's board and helps get her sold, Cuna stays with me.
OMG!!!! Honestly, as much as I loved winning a ribbon on Cuna, I was far more excited that A) I wasn't terrified and B) the old guy was here to stay. I mean, I still have to buy him when Izzy sells, but the point is, he's staying with me. It's a big commitment, but it's what I want.
So for those of you who've asked what's going on with Cuna--he's still my super awesome loaner horse. He'll be mine as soon as Izzy has located an appropriate new owner.
Better be soon. I'm already acquiring tack for him. :-D
PS I'm pretty sure that the day I called Cuna the "mean ass bastard horse" was important--I always think of him like that, mostly because he's such a cute, sweet kind of guy. Watch for a new header...
This picture is just before we loaded up on Saturday. That sheet is very revealing, don't you think?
Cuna was completely wild today (for him). It was windy and cold and raining steadily. He always has his ears up and is looking around, but he actually took a good look at three (3, count 'em) different things while we trotted around the outdoor. In fact, I think he may have taken a quick step at one point in an effort to evade a scary monster. (!!)
I laugh, but I can't even express how happy I am with him. It's not that it bothers me when a horse spooks--it's just that I'm so used to not knowing what will happen and being uncomfortable, that having him do stuff like that is almost like having him intentionally desensitizing me. I can almost hear him saying, "Breathe, lady. If you don't ride me, I might take TWO quick steps, and then we'll be even farther away".
He's happy to pack me around over jumps, but he does actually expect me to ride in the arena. It's cool and sort of liberating.
Oh, and after his complete wildness? I took him for a hack on the buckle. Apparently all scariness was over, because he didn't even blink.
Here's the pony mare today. She's back at the barn and in work with Stephanie and one of her more advanced clients. I think we're taking a sales video this week, which is good because we're getting inquiries on her already.
It's weird to be around her--when she's in her stall or going to turnout, she's just another horse to me. I was holding her before she got ridden today though, and got to spend some time with her. She's still her gorgeous, pushy, lovable self. She begs for cookies and I know all her itchy spots.
I've been going through my tack and equipment slowly and making Cuna try it all on. Part of me feels weird doing that now that Izzy is here staring at us, but at the same time, I feel sort of empty about her.
I put so very much into her and pushed myself beyond what I thought I could take, and now I'm just giving up. I'm not sure how I even should feel. I hate to be overly dramatic in a serious way, but it's almost a Romen-and-Juliet sort of thing. She's gorgeous and I love her and I want her, and it just isn't meant to be.
Whenever I think of Cuna or see his adorable face, I smile. His fluffy forelock makes me giggle and his long neck is perfect for hugging. I must say, his face is completely different from Izzy's so I've had to sell a lot of bridles. After all, I got him one of his own before I even knew what was going to happen...
It's official: Izzy is listed for sale. You can see her ad here. People keep asking me if I'm doing the right thing or saying that I'm going to miss her more than I think I will.
They're absolutely right. I watched her skim over the sandy arena surface in perfect balance this morning and thought the same thing myself. Then I got on a horse I've never ridden before and took him for a hack in the hills. Alone. Unafraid.
Yes, I'll miss Izzy's lovely conformation, fabulous gaits, and ridiculously photogenic self.
The flip side is that I already don't miss my fear. I don't miss that cold, wrenching terror every time I thought about riding a horse. I don't miss being completely overmounted and blaming myself and constantly thinking that I was just a terrible rider.
I'm not a terrible rider--I'm just a rider that isn't ready for the type of horse that Izzy is. She's going to be happy with someone who can appreciate her, and I'm going to be happy with an old, bony, paddling TB gelding with a darling face and packer personality.
He isn't God's gift to conformation, but he meets me at the gate in the pasture. He isn't young and spry, but he doesn't take advantage of me. He isn't perfectly round and balanced naturally, but he's nicely forward and a safe jumper.
I know what I'm missing out on. Izzy is an exceptionally cool horse.
It's just that I'm so much happier looking through a pair of wizened red ears on a solo trail ride on a stormy day that I have no interest in reconsidering.
Despite my warning, there actually are pictures of us from the show. My mom came and hung out and helped and took pictures. I felt very spoiled. I mean, what non-horse-person in her right mind comes to a little local show on a cold, windy day and feeds Cuna 5 pounds of carrots just for giggles?
Mom, apparently.
The show was indoors in a fairly small arena. Based on how strong Cuna was in our last lesson, I opted to move him up to his normal bit, a rubber pelham with connectors. I thought he would be a bit up at the show, despite the fact his owner assured me he'd be fine. (Her definition of "fine" and mine don't always concur.)
He warmed up nicely. I was really glad I had the bigger bit for the first 30 seconds in the outdoor warmup arena that was surrounded by donkeys and blowing shrubs. Since I tend to not use my hands much, I headed to the show arena and thought nothing of it.
We went right in for our first class, the 2'3" jumpers. Last time we came to this show series, I had Izzy and the 2'3" looked so terrifying, I didn't know how I'd get through. Looking between Cuna's red ears, I thought the jumps were rather unimpressive. We started out ok over the first fence, but over the second I tried to steady him too much and caught him with the pelham. He gave me a head fling as we cantered nicely to the third. I needed to push him forward into the contact, but I was leery of actually using the contact because of the bit.
We made it over the third, but because I didn't want to put my leg on (because -I- was avoiding the contact), we had a runout at the fourth. All of a sudden, I was like "Oh, right. Hands in the neck and give him a kick". I did, and it smoothed out quite a bit.
When we came out, I promptly dropped Cuna to a loose ring french link.
He says, "I told you I didn't need a bigger bit".
We went back into the warm up and worked on taking a connection and moving off both of my legs at all three gaits. Nothing strenuous, but I wanted to remind myself that I could ride.
When Steph asked if I wanted to jump the 2'3"ish vertical she had set up, I said yes. I realized that I was no longer riding around avoiding eye contact and hoping should wouldn't call on me--I wanted to jump the jump to make sure I had Cuna in front of my leg and straight and ready to go back in for our next round.
Time for the 2'6". We cantered to the first fence. I kept a feel of his mouth in my hands and my legs firmly on his sides. I had him forward and balanced in a nice rhythm.
The fence felt effortless. We came around the corner and did the diagonal line. I kept the contact and the line went well.
Go Cuna go!
We came around the corner to the bending line, our nemesis from the last class. I sat up, kicked on, and announced "right leg!" to Cuna. He sailed over both jumps and around the corner to the next line.
Eyes up, hands steady. We jumped in nicely, lost our direction for a minute (hello hands!! please coordinate!), then kicked on. Now to finish over the triple.
Other horses got a short four between the fences. I know Cuna's style and my insecurities entirely too well to think I could hold for four. I kept my chest up and kicked again to make sure I was generating his forward with my leg, not my upper body.
Jump! "One, two, three!" I counted out loud. Jump! "One, two, three!" and we jumped out and crossed the finish line. The (tiny) assembled crowd clapped and cheered for us as the announcer said our time was a 49.1. I patted the old man, thanked the judge, and rode out. Smiles all around.
Look! There is even video.
I watched my friend ride the next round, then headed out with her. Since Cuna is a total trooper, we were keeping the less secure horse company until his next round. We walked around the warmup arena, talking about our rides, our horses, and our progress.
Then I saw Stephanie coming towards us, waving something.
A blue ribbon.
I don't know what the optimum time was, but apparently we were mighty close. We won the 2'6" class in style. I've always loved ribbons, but more than that I was so happy with our round. To get a pretty ribbon for it was just icing on the cake.
Cuna tolerated yet another photo session with several cameras, then was given a hay net and a ridiculous amount of carrots and peppermints for a job well done.
On a whim, I pulled out Izzy's dressage bridle and put it on Cuna.
Haha.
Yeah, not ever going to work. I mean, it fit ok, but y'all can see how it looks. It's a lovely bridle for a horse with a bigger, less delicate head. It is a terrible bridle for an old red jumping horse with a refined muzzle.
I think he was embarrassed.
Thankfully, I then took the bridle off, clipped up his fetlocks, and washed his tail. He looks quite smashing and is all set to show tomorrow. I haven't told him that I'm also going to try my figure eight bridle on him to see how cute it could look...
So sunny!! Laddie (the black one) and Cuna (the cute one) are out in the pasture with no blankets for the first time this year. They were quite happy.
Mr. Cuna and I had a jump lesson today. We worked on cantering over poles at first. We had to develop a rhythm, ride it around the corner, and make a set number of strides between the poles. The advantage to Cuna being like a 2"x4" is that he doesn't bulge out his shoulder. The disadvantage is that he isn't terribly adjustable.
Well, at least not yet for me. We'll get there.
Next we transferred that skill to cantering a line of tiny crossrails with four strides in between. It was a short four, so I had to be willing and able to take a hold of Cuna and MAKE HIM WAIT. He's a big-strided big dude, so three was just easier for him. Plus that pandered to my insecurities--I always had to kick Izzy forward and grab mane and pray that I wouldn't die, so settling to a fence is bizarre to me. Good, but bizarre.
When the jumps went up from tiny crossrails to a 2'6" vertical and a 2' swedish oxer, I was really on the spot. I would ride to the jump, then think we were too deep, lose my mind, and all of a sudden be a stride away from the second jump. Poor Cuna. He is such a good boy--he just kept doing his job and letting me sort myself out. He never stopped and he never ran out. What I really need to do is just jump low stuff like this over and over and over again. I have jumping PTSD basically and I don't really have good habits to fall back on, so when I get scared, I don't know what's happening.
The good news is that Cuna lets me figure it out without being naughty. The only thing he doesn't like is if I'm quick with my upper body, which I'm not. Yay! We have a bit of a speed problem after the last fence in a line, but nothing out of control.
The bestest old man in the world. This picture isn't from today, but he just looks so adorable. I'll ride him tomorrow and work on braking and turning.
Then Saturday we are entered in a little local show. I have no idea how that's going to go, but it should be fun. I can't promise pictures--all my equestrian photographer friends seem to be out of town and I'm saving my bonus points with regular photographers for shows that are not indoors over mediocre jumps.
That's the good news.
After Saturday, Cuna is going home for a while so Izzy can come back to the barn to be sold. My plan is for her to be in and out in a week. Who wants to buy my horse so they can keep reading about the adorable OTTB gelding instead?
California was amazing--80f and sunny every day. I have oodles of pictures, mostly on my phone. Not going to lie. It is quite hard to come back to real life after perfect weather.
That said, real life is quite a bit less stressful, involves getting more sleep, and has better roads, so there are good things.
I spent an hour in ponyland one day. That was ridiculously adorable. All the little ponies with lovely conformation and movement, toting kids over good sized courses. Oh my! Did I mention how cute those delicate little pony faces are with hunter tack on?
Yeah. Sort of what a hunter pony for no good reason now.
After ponyland, we got to hang out with the CWD saddle reps and try out new tack. Here Stephanie is riding Foster in in CWD dressage saddle and ys, a halter. There is a picture of me doing the same thing. I'll post it when I get it.
I didn't get to sit in the new jumping model, but I will when it shows up. (At least, that's my plan.) I am strategically developing a taste for very expensive saddles.
Despite my best efforts at strategery, neither saddle is in my future. I didn't ask about the dressage saddle, but the jump model for regular peons like myself runs around 7k.
Not ever happening.
I also got to attend my first-ever polo matches. It was an awesome way to end a day. Not only are there fast, pretty horses, but we were drinking wine and enjoying some perfect, bug-free weather.
Plus, I was sitting with a nice gentleman who breeds and trains polo ponies (horses?) and explained the rules of the game to me, which made it way more interesting.
I think my hunter aspirations with Izzy had a lot more to do with that fact that the rails fall down and it looked pretty non-threatening, but if I had any lingering doubts, I snapped this picture next to our trailer. Omg. Talk about detail work.
Every hunter at the show had some variation of this, and while it's lovely, I cannot imagine the amount of work involved. That said, the very small amount of time I got to spend watching the working hunters gallop down the lines to 4' fences was impressive. It may be a long time, but I'll get back to hunterland eventually.
I actually have less pictures than I thought I would. I took a bunch with my phone and kept the world of facebook updated, but the whole grooming thing meant I had very little time, plus I videoed almost every round of our people with Stephanie's phone so we could watch them on the tv each night. All fun, but not great for blog content.
Now that I'm back in the cold north (it snowed yesterday. For serious.), I'm making tentative plans about my riding future. It's frustrating for an overachieving tack whore to sit around and twiddle her thumbs, but nothing is decided yet... hm. Hopefully I'll have news on that front by tomorrow.
I know, I know. Terrible post name. I already wrote one blog about it though... ;-) Details to follow.
We had a fun (mostly) and (relatively) non-eventful drive down. We saw pretty much every kind of weather possible--sun, rain, snow, hail, clouds, fog. The snow was actually in southern California, which did not make me happy. Fortunately, it passed and I am now in lovely, sunny temperatures. It was 70ish today and is supposed to get warmer throughout the week. I have to admit, I giggle when the people from here walk by in parkas--I was a little warm in a long sleeve shirt.
As groom, I have gotten to do lots of washing, walking, holding, tacking, cleaning, and observing. You should be impressed at how clean Ms. Tatiana is.
Although to be honest, it wasn't me that washed her. I got Foster the spotty boy with his yellowed hocks and a whole bottle of quiksilver.
I am drinking in the atmosphere of HITS-Thermal. It's definitely the biggest, fanciest, coolest horse show I've ever been at. I like wandering between the rings and down the aisles (generally while hunting for something someone told me about and I'm unclear on what I'm supposed to be doing) and just seeing the sites.
Hopefully, I'm actually being a little bit useful on top of the ridiculous number of pictures I'm taking. My facebook activity got me a promotion from "groom" to "groom and person with Steph's phone" so that instead of just taking pictures and putting them on my facebook, I can add them to the 'Wasatch Sport Horses' group and all the friends and clients can see them, instead of just my friends.
Social media in my job description? Excellent. Now I just need to get paid to wander through the vendor village and touch expensive things. THEY HAVE SADDLE MAKERS HERE. ALSO REAL TACK STORES. (*^&$* you bloody overpriced feed store in ********).
We had two horses in the Grand Prix ring today, which was super fun (aside from their rather ridiculous Romeo-and-Juliet romance, which was completely contrived).
I'm relatively sure that three of the horses are competing tomorrow. While you are at your super exciting day jobs, think of me as I suffer through the vendor village and hack a jumper through a citrus orchard. Really, I don't know how I can take it.
And I said, "There is another way to live". 
