|distracting myself with cute pony horses|
And how do I feel?
- Completely humiliated. Really and truly, I thought there was nothing left for a horse to do to me that could make me feel that way. There's just a special sort of awful when you call a trainer you respect and are like "yeah not coming because not a good enough trainer to get horse on trailer" and she's like "wait what?" and I'm like "yeah you heard me".
- I do realize this is a completely human emotion that Courage is incapable of conceptualizing. Unfortunately, I can conceptualize the hell out of it. Yay humanity.
- Pissed off. I've needed a day off for months and it hasn't been forthcoming because I needed to earn money to make sure adult responsibilities were taken care of. I planned to take Tuesday off completely. Or like, you know, go in to work for a few hours and spend all afternoon in nasty, gusting wind writing big checks for that horse who thinks getting on trailers is a purely optional exercise.
- Pretty sure he knows I'm pissed. I mostly just left him alone.
- Frustrated. I've had Courage almost two years. In that time, he's hauled all over the place in many different trailers and never taken more than a wave of a hand to get him on.
- He does occasionally have temper tantrums. I win this round, but it doesn't change his personality. Or get me any money back.
- Confused. Really, really confused. I'm completely honest when I say I'm looking at other options. I halfway don't ever want to see him again (or write any more big checks for him) and halfway feel like I'm in this up to my neck already and might as well see it through. I cannot reconcile those feelings right now.
- you should (not) have seen my stress shopping grocery cart yesterday. Why yes, I do need THIS ENTIRE PIE.
|android horse is on time out|
I don't know what to say. I'm still hurt and angry and not processing well. I'm not afraid of Courage, but I'm really, really tired of his antics right now. Would I be happier with something less dramatic? I don't know. Do I just need to stay the course? I don't know.
Am I just setting myself up with another Izzy?
That's the really disturbing question in the back of my mind that I can't answer. None of these are easy questions and they can't be answered overnight. Apparently. Or else I would have answered them by now.
Maybe the answer is in the pie.