Monday, December 31, 2018

2018 Year in Review (aka An Ode to ZB)


There are certain moments that reverberate through the very foundations of your life and break down everything you ever thought you knew.

They are rarely the moments you expect.
Mine was on the back of a Roxiecorn, riding through breathtaking mountains, talking to the sort of friend who isn't afraid to call me on my shit.

I told her about how I consistently choose the same thing in relationships--petulant assholes who treat me badly.

She laughed.

She said, "your picker's broken!"

It was a silly moment in a fun weekend.

I went home.

I let go of the long term relationship I had with a horse that was a bad match for me. I watched both of us blossom as that same friend moved heaven and earth to get me this little black mare.
ermegerd tiny zb!
I learned what it was like to be with a creature that adores me. She's a fucking Disney horse--she canters up to me in the pasture. She whinnies at me every day I come to the barn. She's honest and she's smart and she's kind and she's the best horse I've ever been around, bar none.

<3
Maybe non-horse people won't understand this, but I figure you folks will. There was something so foundational to me about having a relationship like this. Learning that not only was this kind of a connection a thing, but that it could be expected. That I didn't have to take everyone's shit and that I could raise my expectations and get what I needed out of life.

It sort of spiraled from there. 
a much better place
I raised my expectations. 

Drew some hard lines.

Advocated for myself for the first time in my life. 

I lost friends. 

Family. 

My marriage. 

People who were supposed to matter to me walked away. 

baby mare <3
Through it all, there was this larger-than-life baby mare who still whinnied at me every time I came to the barn. 
and yeah everyone should get divorce photos. 10/10 recommend.
My life doesn't look much like it used it--I'm on a single income making things work. I can't fathom going to a horse show or paying $$$ for clinics. About every other month, I do a lot of math and wonder why I need to have a giant eating pooping liability cost me money every day. 

I ride a couple times a week, generally bareback, in the dark, by myself. I don't care about the most perfect movement or moving up the levels or having the best, newest, and coolest things. 

There are things that matter so much more to me.

<3
I've learned so much from the horses in my life--Izzy taught me to be afraid, Cuna taught me to love, Courage still has the most stupidly meaningful name on the planet, and Zoe? 

<3
This little lady gave me more than all the others together.

My life is profoundly different because of who she is. 

and the people who stayed 
This isn't a return to blogging or riding, really. The way horses fit in my life right now is different than it's ever been.

Zoe is my safe space. 

My friend. 

My freedom. 

My anchor.

I have other competitive outlets right now. There's a part of me that resents even the idea of putting pressure or expectations on the creature that changed my world in such an enormous way.


She's so much more to me than scores or accomplishments or adventures. I don't need some judge at a horse show to tell me where I'm inadequate or how I don't measure up to their standards.

I really don't care.
the loveliest lady
I love the little moments. 


 The quiet times.


The moments she carried me though. 

21 comments:

  1. Beautiful post. Good to see your words again xoxo

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  2. The happiness curated in those little moments is all that matters. Cheers to a bigger, better 2019 full of lots of happiness in whatever form makes you smile the most. <3

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  3. ❤️❤️❤️ the universe works in mysterious ways and I'm so glad that ZB came into and then profoundly changed your life.

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  4. Sending you lots of hugs and Paddy kisses, and many hopes for a wonderful 2019.

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  5. Good to hear from you <3 here’s to a 2019 like none ever before!

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  6. I've been following your blog for like a third of my life (whoa, weird) and this may be the best post you've ever written <3 Hope you have an amazing 2019.

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  7. Absolutely love this. You deserve this wonderful unicorn mare so so much. I got misty reading this post...

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  8. I love everything about this post. Everything.

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  9. I'd hug you if I hugged. Since I don't, let's just slap fives and go for a ride instead. <3 Well done all around, though! I am proud of you.

    ZB was TEENY. 0_0

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  10. Here's to 2019 being the groundwork for happy, healthy relationships. Wishing you all the best!

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  11. So glad you found each other, and that she helped you get to where you were supposed to be. <3

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  12. I love this post so much. Sending lots of love <3

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  13. Sending love! I listen my marriage for also drawing lines ♥️♥️♥️ Horses heal

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  14. This post gives me all the feels.

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  15. Horses get us through life. May 2019 bring you more ZB!

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  16. Life never gives us what we planned, does it? But so glad you found a Zoe to hold & shine a light on those small moments that are, in the end, everything. And glad you have a choice & took a chance (because it's not easy) on making things better for yourself. Learning to be kind to ourselves is much harder than it should be.

    Also, I definitely agree people should do divorce pictures.

    Hugs from us & may there be many more moments for you to savour yet to come.

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  17. Sounds like it was a really tough journey, but I'm glad you are in a good place with the best Zoe ever.

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  18. It's really good to hear from you <3 We're all on different journeys, but the really freaking cool thing about horses and finding the right one, is that while I'm 1,000 miles away and going through totally different shit, I relate so hard to this blog post <3 <3 <3

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  19. Love you + ZB and everything that this post stands for. I've been right there in that dark place and emerging feels like a rebirth for sure! xoxo

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