Then I worked in a barn full of very good riders and realized I wasn't really all that good, especially when riding a horse I was terrified of.
 |
| whoops |
Now I ride a horse I'm not terrified of and I desperately want to be a good rider, but I'm starting over in a whole new discipline and it's HARD. In my mind, there's nothing morally wrong with being an average rider, but there's a lot wrong with being an average rider with an inflated self-image.
So I struggle.
I struggle because I see people take horses that are greener than mine and do things we can't do. I struggle because people take goals of mine that I've worked towards for months and dismiss them as a backup plan for their more-talented selves. I struggle because no matter what I do, someone is always going to do it better and more easily than I do and because I know that no matter how hard I work, I'll never be the best, fanciest, or most competitive.
 |
It's soul-destroying to put this much of myself into something I really, really want and know deep down that I'm not going to beat someone who works less but has more talent.
And sure, I know I'm not supposed to compare our progress with someone else's, but on some level, I have to. There's too much to this stupid crazy hobby to try to go it alone with blinders on and not take a good look around at who's there with you.
 |
I believe firmly in competition, especially in smaller-circuit areas with limited access to outside influence. It is way too easy to get sucked into a tiny, inbred community and lie to yourself about what's going on without the moderating influence of judges and trainers who see horses all around the country.
It's bloody hard to sit here and feel less-than-adequate and watch other people pass us by.
I know I have to get over myself. I know this is a hard life lesson everyone gets to learn, but "life isn't fair and sucks to be you" is not anybody's favorite to work on.
 |
So yeah. Sometimes I have to remind myself that when other people do well, it isn't taking away from whatever I'm doing. I am genuinely happy for them. I of all people know how hard it is to plug away day in and day out and not feel like you're getting anywhere and I would certainly never suggest skipping a celebration when things do start to click.
And more importantly, I know times like this give me the understanding to come alongside and encourage someone else who is struggling without being a weird asshole about it, because I've struggled too and I know what it's like.
I just wish I could learn all those things without feeling it quite so acutely.
And more importantly, I know times like this give me the understanding to come alongside and encourage someone else who is struggling without being a weird asshole about it, because I've struggled too and I know what it's like.
I just wish I could learn all those things without feeling it quite so acutely.
This is a hard thing to come to terms with, and let go of the little kid inside you who wants to go to the Olympics. I think wrestling with it makes us stronger, more mature humans, though!
ReplyDeleteI feel like anyone who wants to show horses has to be pretty competitive -- it's too expensive and time consuming to be "meh" about it.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the midst of a very similar quandary myself. I would say that is some ways, being out here on the east coast where your given discipline is just saturated with great riders of all walks of life somehow makes it even tougher. I try to stay centered in competing against myself so to speak, but it's so easy to get distracted by everyone around you.
ReplyDeleteFeeling this post so hard. It's hard to continue on in the horse world without feeling these things, without comparing you and your horse to other people. Definitely something I've struggled with.
ReplyDeleteI totally feel where you are coming from and it is a hard place to be. It can consume you if you let it. But you can't live in it or it will make you bitter. I think we all go there from time to time.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard (and unrealistic) to be positive all the time. But for all of those people seemingly skipping ahead of you, there are an equal number struggling behind you.
This is a hard but essential part of horse showing. There will always be someone who rides better, has a better horse, more money, etc. It goes on and on. Best to focus on yourself and "put blinders on" to the outside forces. We can only ride for ourselves and our horse.
ReplyDeleteThat's kind of why I like dressage. It's hard to be so competitive, but I feel like with dressage you can compete against yourself more than in other disciplines in that you can always keep improving your score, even if you just stay at one level forever, you can always work to improve your own personal score no matter how you place in a class at a competition.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was a good rider too, until I climbed onto the back of a racehorse on the track and immediately, that thought went out the window. Sometimes the competitiveness drives me crazy. But everyone always has some kind of battle they are fighting for. Unless they are nonhuman. Then they need to go back to whatever planet they are from.
ReplyDeleteIf you didn't feel it so acutely, you couldn't learn it. That's just the way it goes.
ReplyDeleteAnd everybody feels like that, even Olympians. It's what drives us to be better. People who don't feel that drive stagnate, stop learning and do a lot of harm in the horse world. You're doing alright ;)
This post kind of blew my mind. I don't think of people as good riders based on what level they are at or really discipline specific. There are 4* eventers that I don't like the way they ride. Obviously they are very successful but it doesn't make me cringe less watching them. To me being a good rider is about being soft, balanced, firm but forgiving and less about if you can jump 4+ feet or ride a GP test.
ReplyDeleteBased on what you have said about Courage I don't think he would tolerate you if you weren't a good rider.
My thoughts exactly. Comparison is the thief of joy. You are awesome, Aimee!
DeleteHey now. You are definitely the fanciest and likely best in my corner of the world. Which probably doesn't say much about my corner of the world, but the current center stone of my goals is to follow in your footsteps. Not just competitively (if I even venture far into the horse show thing at all), but just in meeting my horse where she's at, being honest about where I'm at, and being willing to take it as slowly as either of us needs to make sure we have that solid foundation while also actually enjoying each other.
ReplyDeleteWhich, you know, is what I do anyway. But it's really nice to see someone so much better doing the same thing. Like, yeah, I'm not just this goofball backyard rider who has no real ambition or know-how, because this other rider who is actually going places and doing the things has been doing this, too.
I feel you. I've spent 2+ years trying to get my mule to canter and we have yet to show at the canter. We have little bits of success, but at the end of the day, we can't even show at 1st level and that's the level that's supposed to be the first level. Like the USDF only added training and then Intro after the fact.
ReplyDelete"No matter what I do, someone is always going to do it better and more easily than I do and because I know that no matter how hard I work, I'll never be the best, fanciest, or most competitive." <-- THIS. This is always, ALWAYS true. You could have the fanciest, bestest horse and he has an off day or you go off course. Every horse is different, every rider is different, everyone goes at their own speed. We all have good days, great days, OK days, and super duper shitty days. There are days when we're the biggest fish in a small pond, or the smallest fish in a big pond. Unfortunately, that's all part of this game... and comparing yourself to anyone other than yourself is pretty much a sure way to madness. ;)
ReplyDeleteI find myself in the same boat. I see riders doing things that I want to do, or bringing along a green horse into something really awesome, and I start to mentally put myself down. The worst is watching the pony hunters. These little kids doing bigger shows than I probably ever will, riding better than I feel that I ever will... It is depressing.
ReplyDeleteYou need to believe in yourself a little more. Doesn't seeing things like that motivate you to work harder or go take some extra lessons/clinic, study videos of your favorite pros in the ring, etc...?
ReplyDeleteSuper honest - I think we have all felt this. Really good post xxx
ReplyDeleteI really, really feel this post.
ReplyDeleteI am dealing with the same feelings myself. It's so hard in this day and age to not compare ourselves to everyone else. It will get better!
ReplyDeleteI don't think a poor rider could stick with Courage and accomplish all that you have. It's a hard thing changing disciplines for most of us is a pretty rude awakening of where your riding talent/abilities lie. I have eaten a lot of humble pie in the last few years. If you and your horse like what you are doing, keep on and judge improvement against yourself.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this constantly. It's so hard to just keep GIVING to this sport and not always feel like I get as much out as others. It is what it is tho and I just try to remind myself that I do it for ME
ReplyDeleteHere is MY reality: someone (most of them, actually) will ALWAYS be better than me. They will always have better horses than me. It is what it is.
ReplyDeleteI have a non-dressage type horse, Speedy. You ride a non-dressage type horse as well. If we truly want to win all of the things, we need dressage type horses. With that said, that doesn't mean we won't win some of the time. Speedy has twice won the California Dressage Society's Regional Adult Amateur Competition - once with a 67% and the next with a 72%, and those were USDF shows.
I now have a big, fancy schmancy warmblood (read: dressage type horse). I am hoping that means we can be more competitive, but it's going to take a boatload of work, and even then he might never make it. When I think about showing, I know that I am beating millions of riders who for whatever reason can't make it into the show ring. So out of millions of riders, I am only being beat by about 7. And every once in a while, I am beating ALL OF THEM.
I try to keep my eyes on MY road so that I can get to where I am going. It may take a while, but we'll get there ... or somewhere like it. :0)
It IS hard. And it can be soul-destroying. Don't let it. It's not even about being a good person, although that matters, too. Being caught up in comparison is a distraction and a trap; it gets in your (and my, and anyone's) way. Other things are more important; it's best (though difficult, I know) to let 'em be.
ReplyDelete