Friday, January 23, 2015

CAN I RETURN THIS SADDLE

black breeches, jump saddle
I failed to consider the bigger picture. I went all crazy go nuts and bought this dressage saddle that makes my ass sing. I mean, I picked out some actual dressage shows to attend. I'm taking dressage lessons on my horse and having fun. I was in DO ALL THE DRESSAGE mode.



And then JenJ was all "you need white breeches".

FULL STOP.

CUE PANIC.

I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS.

NOPE
White breeches? White?? WHITE??? I vaguely remember this about dressage, but I thought they'd modernized in the past few years. I mean. I am just an average adult ammy. I am not a gym rat and I have neither time nor money nor inclination to become one. AND I AM OK WITH THAT ABOUT MYSELF.

What I am not ok with is arbitrarily stuffing myself into blinding, glaring white sausage casings and then jiggling my ass all around the sand box in front of eyes I am paying to be critical. I'm an office worker, not a goddamn stripper AND I HAVE THE THIGHS TO PROVE IT.

Hellooooo. What deranged psychotic lunatic thought that as a bumbling ammy rider ANYTHING about my ride would be improved by wearing the world's most unflattering color in ridiculous tight pants I have no business in anyways?

So uh.... is there a way out if Micaylah won't take her saddle back? How do y'all get through this? Or is it like I suspect and all the other bloggers just magical teeny pixies in 24 breeches with no ass?

43 comments:

  1. I actually love white breeches, and I am pretty far from a teeny pixie 24! I don't see how they're any less flattering than beige or tan, honestly? Have you ever worn them? Some of the new ones have a lot of the same, um, body control stuff as your fancier breeches.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Haha! You're hysterical :) I think you're forgetting about the more modern/flattering fabric they have out there these days. You'll be fine in white :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I sucked it up when I was showing CP and closed my eyes while getting into the unsightly things. Then, my boots split as I zipped them over my calves. Not the high point in my life. Depending on what level you are showing at, you can potentially wear black breeches instead.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Also, I was laughing way too hard reading this. You're a riot.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND the point of white breeches. Why would you wear anything white around horses? How has the sport not gotten beyond this yet??? WHITE BREECHES ARE STUPID.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Honestly, I didn't wear white breeches for dressage until competing in the IDA (Intercollegiate Dressage) where they were required. For any schooling show, IMO they're no required, and you won't see a lot of people wearing them. Recognized shows- yes, required- but if you get full seats with black leather you'll be fine! :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Just wear beige!!! There's no rule against it! Also, HOW DOES ANYONE STAY CLEAN WHILE WEARING WHITE BREECHES!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL!! My trainer wears sweat pants over hers until right before she gets on the horse. :-)

      Delete
  8. No joke, this is one of the things that makes me not want to compete dressage.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You dont HAVE to wear white!! I wear light grey - so does Jess Phoenix sometimes! You can also wear beige or light yellow...so don't worry - white is not a "must'!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You guys, you're so silly! White breeches look GOOD -- even on people who aren't size 24 twigs with no ass. I have never seen a woman at a dressage show in her white full seats that I think doesn't look a little fancy.

    Now, of course, get yourself a flattering pair and, as Jodi mentioned above, New Technical Fabrix that keep their ish together a bit better than lycra does.

    And as for keeping clean -- STRIPPER PANTS. I have never, NEVER, had an excuse to wear snap-all-down-the-side-Magic-Mike stripper pants until a dressage show. And damn if I do not feel amazing ripping those puppies off right before I get on. No, it doesn't spook my horse. Not after the fourth or fifth practice!!

    :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I need a pair of stripper pants now. My regular cover-ups are no longer sufficient.

      Delete
    2. Now I want stripper pants just for fun at home.

      Delete
    3. Let's ALL get stripper pants! STRIPPER PANTS FOR EVERY ONE!!!

      Delete
  11. I hate whites too, and really hoped I'd never own any, but I fell into the trap. I will say that 1) the right fit and fabric makes a big difference 2) get thee an underlayer. Be it a SmartSlim or the Fits Wunderwear wahtever thingy, or just a pair of nude colored tights. It helps smooth things out a bit and you don't feel so... exposed. Also - Scotchgard. Or just say screw it and wear beige, although to be totally honest I don't find my whites to be any less flattering than my beige..

    ReplyDelete
  12. I panicked for a second. And then I read the post lolz. We will find flattering white breeches together!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm not a huge fan of white breeches, but meh, they're not TOO horrible if you find a good fabric and fit.

    If you're planning on just doing schooling shows, you probably don't need them! In my area, most people wear black breeches with a nice shirt to schooling shows- although sometimes you see wild purples or blues!

    Plus, the USEF rules say "white or light colored breeches", so you could get away with a tan or light grey in recognized competition!

    ReplyDelete
  14. haha i think the white isn't required unless you're going to some actually big deal shows - just wear what you like!

    ReplyDelete
  15. What I was taught way back when - granted, it's been like 20 years now (omg, how did THAT happen) - was that if your horse didn't go in a double bridle, then white breeches were 100% optional. As long as you've got reasonably light-colored ones - tan, khaki, grey, white, whatever - nobody is likely to look twice.

    ReplyDelete
  16. What boggles my mind is how you ride in white breeches... and keep them white for more than 30 seconds?! Unless you have a groom and all you literally do is get on your horse, show, and get off. Even then, keeping them clean could be dicey .... LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My trainer wears sweat pants over hers until right before she gets on the horse. Or you could wear the stripper pants like mentioned above hehehe! That was hilarious! Actually my trainer might have a pair of those too. I'll have to ask her.

      Delete
  17. HAHAHA "I'm an office worker ... AND I HAVE THE THIGHS TO PROVE IT."

    No solutions, I can only commiserate! Have you seen my eggplants lately???

    ReplyDelete
  18. This was hilarious.

    If you really don't want to get white, you can get away with cream/beige at lower/non-rated levels:D

    ReplyDelete
  19. I love wearing white breeches because it's the only hour in my life where I'm actively trying not to spill things on myself, and then I don't look like quite such a slob.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I actually love my white breeches. I think I look fancy in them, I think pictures look better in them, and kind of equate it to getting dressed up and wearing a dress for the night. Something about them just makes the day feel special. And as others have said it IS possible to find a decent pair, and you don't reallllllly need them unless it's a rated show.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I do like feeling fancy in my whites, but my god I still think it's the most annoying thing ever having to be soooo careful all the time not to get them dirty. I actually think they look pretty good on everyone too. I wore cheap beige breeches for a long time though before I splurged on some whites

    ReplyDelete
  22. Good Rider Full Seat Pro Breeches are excellent leg-fat disguisers. Seriously - the best leg casings ever. They are very slightly see-through though :(

    ReplyDelete
  23. The white breeches with black leather full seat magically cut one's ass in half. (FITS makes nice ones)

    While mounted, thighs are only half visible.

    Definitely shapewear.

    + those magic mike-ish pants for before riding time.

    Done and dusted. :D

    ReplyDelete
  24. LOL. You are hilarious, but so right. Go to a good tack store, with lots of selection, and try every friggin' pair. The breeches you normally like, may be horrible in white. Keep that in mind.

    I do fall in that size 24 no ass category (well, size 28 now thanks to baby hips) and I was still horrified when I first bought some for a rated dressage show (at schooling shows I just wear dark grey full-seats). Luckily I tried on a million different pair, and finally found one that had good thick white material and not cotton (hello yellowing waste of money) that did not show every single dimple and scar on my legs and butt. It's just a horrifying experience for all of us, despite size. However, as others posted above, at the lower levels you don't actually have to wear white, but it is tradition, and I think at a rated show the judge still will hold it against you a bit if you aren't in white. That whole, respecting the judge, thingy.

    ReplyDelete
  25. LOL. You are hilarious, but so right. Go to a good tack store, with lots of selection, and try every friggin' pair. The breeches you normally like, may be horrible in white. Keep that in mind.

    I do fall in that size 24 no ass category (well, size 28 now thanks to baby hips) and I was still horrified when I first bought some for a rated dressage show (at schooling shows I just wear dark grey full-seats). Luckily I tried on a million different pair, and finally found one that had good thick white material and not cotton (hello yellowing waste of money) that did not show every single dimple and scar on my legs and butt. It's just a horrifying experience for all of us, despite size. However, as others posted above, at the lower levels you don't actually have to wear white, but it is tradition, and I think at a rated show the judge still will hold it against you a bit if you aren't in white. That whole, respecting the judge, thingy.

    ReplyDelete
  26. um, just dont wear them. Its not required to be white, just tradition. Especially not at non sanctioned shows. Sure they look spiffy, but they definitely do NOT hide anything and I sure as shit dont want to squeeze into them anymore. Black is my friend and I wear black breeches at ALL my schooling shows.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Ah, white breeches … the absolute horror!

    ReplyDelete
  28. You think white britches are bad. Wait until you get to the level where you hope and pray that your hands are good enough for WHITE GLOVES. It is both the most magical and most terrifying show of your life, the first time you turn down the centerline with those blinding white puppies on.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Lol too funny, wear tan, wear grey, get nice shaping white ones, know that no one will even notice your white breeches cause everyone one else has them on too.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Haha! This is great! If its just a schooling or league show just wear tan. Its not a big deal at all. Now if you went to a recognized you would stand out like a sore thumb in tan and for schooling you are totally fine!

    ReplyDelete
  31. It is going to happen woman. You are doomed.

    ReplyDelete
  32. The people who notice won't matter; the people who matter won't care! The mantra I am currently repeating to myself faced with a lesson from a very high-up showjumper, which I shall attend with my only pair of half chaps, which are too short, too wide and held together by duct tape.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Honestly I've never understood the use of white in anything that is horse related. Aren't our lives hard enough without trying to keep white things white? Good luck!

    I think if you find the right pair of breeches the white will be just fine. The fabrics have certainly gotten a lot better so that white isn't as bad as it used to be.

    ReplyDelete
  34. As a dressage diva, I am used to wear white pants - don't love them, but learned to cope with them! For me, a heavier fabric works best - make sure that your pants do not get transparent in the rain :D That is what I am always checking! ;)

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...