Throwback Thursday

I'm convinced this is one of those things people do when they have nothing else to say. Let's find out.

But she was beautiful

The first horse I ever owned was an Oldenburg mare by the name of Isadora. I got her with a host of issues as a basically unstarted 5 year old who knew she was bigger than the people trying to handle her. I sold her her three years later because I realized that she was just way too much for me to handle.

It was such a tricky process. I'd never dealt with crushing physical fear before and I was always just trying to turn the corner and work through it. I hung on until the very bitter end and I almost walked away from horses because I was so miserable.

I've never thought of myself as a proud person, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I needed to admit I was wrong. Fear had become my new normal and I didn't understand that there was another way to live.

And I was terrified

Besides, Izzy was the baby of the mare I'd adored in highschool. I always planned to have her forever. There was no part of my world where Izzy was going to go away, ever.

Letting go of her was incredibly hard. I was living with a "do or die" mentality and I stuck it out through major set backs, painful injuries, and I was always convinced that things were about to get better. We moved in with my favorite trainer because I knew I needed help.

With the trainer, I always felt like we were so close. I was riding better and pushing myself harder and getting closer, but I was still just flat out terrified. Every time I needed to ride a horse, I felt sick. I loved horses on the ground, but I didn't like riding and I was petrified of jumping.

That was my normal.

<3

It wasn't until a kind old red man ambled into my life and turned everything I thought I knew on it's head that I realized there was another way to live. I sold the mare, bought Cuna, and my life has never been the same. It's not that I loved Izzy less--it's that I love Cuna more. I let Izzy find a home where she could be appreciated for who she was and Cuna was everything I ever wanted.

It took every second of Cuna's two years with me to undo all the damage that I did by hanging on to Izzy. Even now, I occasionally have a little anxiety about riding Courage. It's not that he's done anything to earn it, but he's put together a lot like Izzy and that can catch me off guard.

Say hello to C-rage

I'm still very proactive about my confidence. I don't ride horses I don't trust. I push myself and do things to cement the fact that Courage is a new character in my life and just like it isn't fair to him to impose an idea of Cuna, it is equally unfair to treat him like a potential Izzy.

I'll probably never have that fearless abandon and unshakable confidence I thought I had before Izzy, but now that I've been down that road, I know how to make better decisions going forward. It's why I'm a happy horse evangelist. Really and truely, if you aren't happy and loving every minute with your horse (and you're an adult ammy), you're doing it wrong. Life is too short and confidence is too hard won to spend time on an animal that is anything less than fun and safe for where you're at right now.

Ok, well that was fun. Maybe we'll do it again some time.