IT RIDES THE HORSE

Back when my car acted as a mechanical brake for a much larger truck, the doctor told me I wouldn't ride for a while and I was like "BLAH BLAH BLAH I AM MOCKING YOUR OVERLY CONSERVATIVE DIAGNOSIS". 

Cough.

That was December 2. 

I didn't sit on a horse again until January 20, at which point I realized my physical therapist was not kidding around about my body not working, which I guess I'd already figured out from how I hadn't been able to function normally in well over a month and spent Christmas on the couch in pain, but you know. Slow learner sometimes. 

My first time back on Courage, I felt like one of those inflatable punching bag-clowns that wobbles around and has no legs. 

why is there not a gif of this

Side note: if you ever get sent to PT, GO. It is the most amazing thing ever. The ninja goddess gave me my life back. 

Anyways. I worked very, very hard in and out of therapy and did all my exercises and carefully followed all the instructions because I didn't just want to ride one time--I wanted to get better and be a normal person again. 

And finally, this happened:

BAY EARS

I even made another boarder video because I was so excited that I felt good enough to get on and walk for 20 minutes. 

don't worry, i didn't video all 20 minutes

It's crazy how much can change in what was basically two months away from riding. Courage spent that time lunging and going in circles with no changes of direction to speak of. I spent them losing fitness and compensating for pain. 

you don't need a pic of me on the couch

I'm on the upswing now, but it's a long road back. Courage is a very narrow horse, but it felt like my hips and pelvis were getting stretched WAAAAAAY out because I haven't done anything like riding in so long. I'm definitely not trotting-ready. My reflexes are not there and my balance is a bit tenuous. I kept to the "safe" end of the arena and we spent a good chunk of time standing and watching the other horse go around because I just didn't feel ready to tackle a spook or a lot of tension. 

I want to just fire on all cylinders and go for it, but realistically, I can't. I'm trying to ease back into my life. 

I have to think of it like reconditioning a horse after a long layoff. We're going to walk until I feel balanced and comfortable and like my reflexes are actually keeping up. I'm going to try and supplement that with walking my dogs and getting back into pilates (carefully, but PT said it was a good idea). 

Hopefully, Courage can go back into training soon, but I don't want him getting fitter/more reactive than I can handle before I'm ready, so jury is out on that one. 

And I hate to admit it, but the stupid concussion is still slowing me down substantially. I have almost no emotional filter and I get overwhelmed really easily. I try to do one thing a day, and if that doesn't work out, my couch still loves me. 

and this teeny sassy dog loves me too

It's stupid. I hate it. I hate that I'm not the person I was and I can't do the things I used to, but that's where I'm at and that's what I have to deal with, so there it is. 

and i wore my sparkle helmet like a badass

So yes. I rode my horse and it was awesome and you should have seen the proud little look on his adorable face like "yay am riding horse again best at horsing", but I just enjoyed the moment and didn't take a picture. 

What's Up With Courage

Lately, this blog has been mostly SB having meltdowns and stress shopping, which is pretty good entertainment I think. But hey, my wild-mustang-dressage-stallion is still burning hay, so I thought you might want to know what's going on with him.

rawr

When we (more or less) left off, he was in pro training 2x a week and I was riding the other days. Then BAM no riding for me. Between the godawful weather and Courage being a "challenging" horse, trainer said that riding him 2x a week was a hazard to everyone (she's not wrong) and we agreed to pick up again when I'm back in the saddle.

tail straight in air=no fun for anyone

Courage was essentially untouched for the month of December. It was mostly because I was at home in crippling pain, but Lindsey made me feel good about it by saying he probably needed a brain reset anyways and maybe a month to himself would give us more information and let him de-stress a little.

all wild mustangs wear blankets. yes.

Welllllllll let's just say the information I garnered was that Courage does really, really poorly with time to himself. The horse went feral. He was uncatchable. Un-handle-able. Unlikable. He spooked at everything and the few times I saw him, was a complete idiot. Like. Let's not talk about the night it took me 45 minutes to catch him in the indoor and then he soaked through two coolers. (And made me late on pain meds and omg that night hurt very very much).

horse shaming has it's own billboard

I'm finally starting to feel human again (many thanks to Ashley the Ninja Goddass, aka my Physical Therapist), so Courage is going back to work. Auntie Crystal recommended vienna reins for him, and despite my initial misgiving, these babies are life changing for Courage.

um hellooooooo

However, godawful weather has been a constant around here. Not a joke--we're breaking all the records since before they started keeping records. Which is stupid. But regardless, between me feeling like a steaming pile of poo most of the time and the roads being somewhere between "dangerous" and "terrifying" for most of the past few weeks, I get to the barn about three times a week.

who recognizes this horse? i do not

We're just lunging in vienna reins, which is actually super interesting to do with Courage, but not super interesting to talk about doing. For example, Courage physically doesn't understand how to step up into the canter like a dressage horse--he just tenses his underneck, braces, and flings himself. The shit transition translates into a shit gait and the whole thing is a shit show.

what? no. surely not this horse!

So. Since I can't ride, I've spent lots of time experimenting with how to explain to Courage that he can step up from behind and stay soft in his body. We do lots of spiral in/spiral out with w/t transitions until he's forward and through. And then we do trot/canter transitions with the same idea and just stay calm and patient.

withers lifted, hind legs stepping through. omg.

See, most of you checked out already because lunging is massively boring to do, much less to talk about doing. BUT. You'll notice that is a canter picture. And I don't usually post canter pictures because canter is not our thing.

i made a trail of shavings over the ice!

The Ninja Goddess says riding is 1-2 weeks out. The realist in me says riding a certain Wild Mustang Dressage Stallion with no turnout in a spooky indoor with snow sliding off the roof in subfreezing temps is not a great idea for a recent neck injury, even when one has a brain injury to impair one's judgement. The weather man says we're in for a deep(er) freeze.

this is why you have no friends, weatherman.

But spring is coming, I will get better, and someday, I will sit on my horse again.

Dammit. Just you wait.

Epic Pony Weekend: Failsauce

magic blanket ftw

Saturday of epic pony weekend was 90f. Which like, WTF WEATHER IT'S LATE SEPTEMBER. Oh well. I pulled Courage out of his stall and threw him in the crossties to wear the magic yellow blanket for a while.

It's supposed to have magnets or something I think. Anyways. Theoretically, it soothes sore muscles and after two days of jumping (and since I was a little crippled), I figured Courage needed all the help he could get.

As I got him set up, I took a close look at his now strangely larger and lumpier hock, and saw this:

good job, horse.

Yup. Nasty ol' cut inside the hock and another gash running down his cannon bone. Y'know. Cuz that's cool.

all work needed ottb approval

In better news, I had scheduled the saddle fitter to come out and look at him and his dressage saddle that day. Fun fact: I have literally never used a saddle fitter before because bfn DOESN'T HAVE ONE. Until now.

I had a couple mini strokes over what the whole shebang cost, but figured it was worth the money to get C checked out. After all, we can't have a dressage princess OTTB with a sore back.

measuring

It was a very interesting process--the fitter took tracings of Courage's back in three different places and then measured them. She said he wasn't sore at all and that the differences in muscling were not concerning at this point. She also verified that his right hind is the weakest--slightly asymmetrical over there.

She also put the saddle on him and took it off and screwed around with it and measured stuff and we nerded out about tack together, so that was cool. Her analysis was this:

1) My saddle is very nice quality and well constructed.
2) It actually fits my horse very well.
3) The flocking is like WAY super dead, which makes the bottom of the saddle rock hard and lumpy.
4) Rock hard and lumpy is not super desirable.
5) The sweat marks I was freaking out about aren't a super big deal (given his conformation and lack of back sore-ness).
6) We could probably fix it with some minor on-the-spot flocking adjustments that would involve adding new flocking to old flocking as a stop gap until I could afford to do a full reflock.

not gonna lie. this was scary.

So she went to adjust the flocking, but the port was in a weird place and she's like "do you mind if I take your saddle apart a little?" and I'm like "uh are you sure you can put it back together?"

She seemed confident.

I stood there and tried to look professional as my saddle was in multiple pieces and I reviewed what she'd told me, which pretty well aligns with what I already knew/suspected anyways...

So I put on a (hypothetical) steel-toed boot and kicked my checking account in the crotch as hard as I could.

Which is to say, I told her to take the whole thing home and do the full reflock now. It's a good saddle. It fits us both. I want to keep it. It's worth the money to me to maintain it.

And hey. This is the first tine in the history of living in BFN that it's actually possible to do routine saddle maintenance. LET'S DO THIS.

That is the story of how I managed to spend a shit ton of money without even riding my horse one day.

brb have to beat down bank account again

Memo Officially Missed

See, every time Courage and I have done well at a show this year, he painfully and unsightfully mutilated himself in the days leading up to the show. This is remarkable, because in general, he actually takes quite good care of himself.

I had signed him up for a show last weekend.

The show got cancelled for reasons out of my control.

Apparently he didn't get the memo, because he did this:

day 1

day 2

It's kind of a cool and unique injury--I thought he got kicked, but he was turned out by himself. Also, there is a corresponding mark inside that right front, but it doesn't have all the cool swelling. That could mean he put his leg through something, but A) there wasn't really anything to put a leg through and B) he is definitely not a horse that would handle a situation like that calmly. He'd probably end up removing his entire leg if that happened. What happened? I have no idea.

I guess I need to be really obviously clear to him that we are not, in fact, showing on the 12th and if he could just keep all limbs attached, that would be dandy.

Honesty

This is more personal than I usually am on this blog, but it's a piece I wrote that wouldn't make sense to the non-horsey in my life. Horses have always been the lens that allowed me to understand life, and I'd be sunk without my incredible husband who keeps me steady.

Last fall, I started an adventure. I wrote 100,000 words in four months. I churned out a solid manuscript for the story of a girl conquering her personal demons and coming into her own. That was the first 75k.

The next 25 was the continuation. She had to continue to grow, to deal with the fallout.

She had to see the one who helped her overcome suffer and she had to deal with losing him.

I think that's why I stopped.

I know how to fear. I've learned to overcome.

I don't know what to do with loss.

The one who helped me overcome is still here. He's physically healed, more or less. I see him. I still love him, and yet it's like we don't speak the same language anymore. Our bond was built through a long gauntlet of trust and confidence and mind numbing fear. We've come out on the other side. He taught me to overcome, and yet in the process, he gave up everything.

He's not who he was. I'm not who I was.

I don't know how to reconcile the two.

I want him to be who he was to me for the past year. I want that fire, that passion, that connection. I want to know that we trust each other more than anything. I want to know that we can overcome anything together and we will always take care of each other.

He barely looks at me right now. I'm almost afraid to touch him. I am afraid to know the truth. Afraid to find out where we stand. It seems safer to not know than to find out for sure that we can never be again.

I don't want him to teach me how to lose someone.

Back at It

Back in the saddle

We're moving forward. Cuna is better in work, so we're easing back up to our normal workload.

Yesterday I set up some wee tiny jumps (cross rail and 2'6" vertical) and just practiced cantering in from a half seat. He picked all the distances and I just had to wait for him without jumping ahead.

It is kind of hilarious how much he loves to jump. If he thinks we're doing flatwork, he fusses in the contact, flips his nose about bugs, and skitters around. The moment I point him at a jump, he's forward, straight, and all business.

Today I put on dressage tack for the first time since he tied up. I wanted to see how he felt more than anything--he hasn't wanted to really sit and push off his right hind and I wanted to know if it was a pilot problem or if he was weaker.

Answer:

Total pilot problem.

We had a great warmup, and then I was able to sit his trot for the rest of the ride. He reached for the contact and pushed from behind and was just delightful the whole time. You know, as delightful as a dressage-hating stiff horse can be. ;) Another rider commented on how fancy he was looking.

I am looking forward to showing him off this summer, but my car is back in the shop again (yay...), so we'll see what the finances allow. Looks like we may be having a later start than anticipated.

Honestly? As long as I can have rocking rides at home on my wonderful old man horse, I don't care. He makes every day worth it.

10.30-11.30am 6/21/12

Cuna ended up getting yesterday off because of work commitments I had. He got turned out, but no one paid too much attention to him.

He seemed fine today. I pulled him out, groomed him thoroughly, tacked up, and went to the arena. After a long walking warm up, I asked him for a trot.

He obliged with just the slightest head bob.

Hm. Drop back to walk. Walk and think, "Did I imagine that?"

Trot again.

It's still there. Just the slightest head bob, maybe now a hair more pronounced.

Walk. Seriously? I don't feel any unevenness, but the head bob is totally not normal.

I ask an experienced dressage rider to watch us and give me an opinion. We trot off. No more slight suggestion; he's now full on head bobbing and very uncomfortable. She says left front. I slide off and take the old man back to the barn. He's walking fine. I rip his boots off and check his legs, paying special attention to the left front.

Nothing. No heat, no usual swelling, no sensitivity.

It's that dark swirl in the center of the pic

Steph shows up and I trot him for her. She agrees that he's somewhat off, then flexes and thoroughly palpates both legs. Nothing. No reaction. The only problem is just a slight skin abrasion on the inside of his front fetlocks that is mildly worse on his left than his right. Hm. They are symmetrical, most likely rubs from sand getting under boots on a thin skinned TB. That would explain why it got worse the longer I rode him in boots and why it was less pronounced and not effecting his weight bearing when he trotted without them.

All wrapped up

To be honest, it makes me feel a little better to know just how sensitive he is. I'm more comfortable around horses that I know will tell me when there's a problem and he's never mentioned one before. Of course, with that level of sensitivity comes a lot of responsibility for me.

Old man needed to be poulticed, wrapped, and carefully sheeted to make sure he didn't fuss too much with bugs around.

He'll be fine soon. The situation is in hand. It just gives me one more thing to neurotically clean. I mean, I wash boots all the time anyways, but now nothing but the cleanest and best fitting can go on him. I'll spend the rest of my afternoon researching the best boots for uber-sensitive horses. Sheepskin, maybe? It's hard with all the fine sand in the arenas. That stuff gets in to everything.

Despite my mild panic and near-obsessive pandering, the old man takes everything in stride. He pointed out the problem. Now he's enjoying all the pampering that comes with the solution.

Bastard.

Cute, wonderful, huggable bastard.

Sidelined

Poor old man

When I went to turn Cuna out this morning, he threw a fit about me putting the halter on. He did get a little cut on his face yesterday, so I thought I must have accidentally hit it. I walked to his other side so I could handle the halter more tactfully, and saw this:

The little cut caused a huge lump of swelling on the left side of his face. Poor guy! He was clear-eyed and cheery otherwise, so I carefully maneuvered the halter on and took him to the BO for a consult.

It's ugly, but it's not infected (yet) or getting worse. He is now getting SMZs and a little bute to help with the inflammation and of course, I am monitoring the situation like the neurotic nelly I am. He seems fine otherwise, but the swelling is right where the cheekstrap of the bridle lays, so he also got the day off.

Looking like a giant chipmunk

I do sort of wonder if that was the plan--he was pretty tired of trail riding (which we've been doing all week) and he did look pretty bummed when I told him we were going to jump today until this happened.

I did discover that Mr Cuna is wonderful about taking his meds though. I put them in with a cup or so of senior and some applesauce and he licked out his feeder. No worries there.

Day of Awesome

I had two really solid flat schools on Mr. Cuna this weekend. It was good to take some time away from the jumps and just figure each other out. We did lots of transitions and figure eights and adjustments within his gaits to get more in sync. I'm hoping this leads to smoother jumps all around.

Fortunately, the day of awesome (today) did not involve Cuna in more than a peripheral way.

The little Audi mare that I like got cast in her stall Saturday night. She didn't struggle too much or hurt herself, but we think she was down for a while.

She's on SMZs and rest for a bit, and Stephanie told me to call her "if anything seemed unusual".

This was Audi while I fed breakfast. And did the first set of turnouts. And fed extra. She didn't move.

That seemed unusual to me, so I called.

A dose of banamine, a round of handwalking, and a 20 minute soak in epsom salts later, she was looking much better.

I got the next horse out to switch the turnouts.

I should have taken a picture--his left hind leg was fat and hot. I checked with the BO and she agreed it was a big deal, recommending bandaging, icing, and bute. As much as I hate to call Stephanie on her day off, it was time for call #2.

2 grams of bute and 20 minutes of cold hosing later, he looked a tiny bit better. He's getting a bandage on tonight.

Liz (the BO) warned me that bad things happen in threes.

I'm hoping this counts as my third thing. I had to body clip an entire horse yesterday with tiny trimming clippers because even under heavy sedation, he wouldn't stand for the big clippers. Guess how fast the tiny blades got dull?

Yeah.

The Verdict

Izzy was jogged, flexed, and examined.

She is not sound. She isn't worse, but she isn't better. There's still heat in her right front and she's quite sensitive to it. Conclusion: I can call a vet who can do all sorts of tests and tell me she strained something and give her 30 days of stall rest and charge me for the opinion. I can take her in to the hospital for all kinds of fancy treatments and spend thousands of dollars, or I can give her thirty days off to recuperate.

I took this picture yesterday. Hope Ms Mare enjoyed the view, because all she's seeing is her stall for a long, long time.

Despite literally everything else going well for me right now, I feel like I got punched in the gut. I spent most of the morning telling myself I would not cry about how frustrated I am. I even tried to stay optimistic and make a list of positives coming out of this:

1) Izzy is getting great care and has attentive, knowledgeable people around her constantly.

2) I can ride other horses and learn without messing her up.

3) Maybe a little break will be good for us.

4) I have more time to get work done since I'm not riding her.

5) I won't have to find someone to ride her for me when I'm out of town for shows.

Of course, there is an equally tangible negative to each one of those.

1) I am paying very expensive board for a lame horse that will not leave her stall for 30 days.

2) Izzy and I were finally starting to make progress. Now she's just losing fitness.

3) We already had a break and it wasn't exactly world-altering.

4) The whole point of working is to get better at riding my own horse.

5) I guess this one doesn't really have a negative. She's super low maintenance right now.

I also got paid today and a jumping lesson on a much more broke horse than Ms Mare. Meet Seamus. He's a training/prelim horse who is currently being leased by one of Stephanie's students. When she can't come to the barn, I get to ride his big, stupid, ugly self.

I should be more charitable. He's a fun ride, but he's not attractive and he's a gelding. He is an excellent jumper, so it was fun to ride a horse I knew I could trust to go.

Ugh. I wish I could say something more positive, but I'm trying not to cry. And I'm at work, so that would be super awkward.

Prognosis: Boring

I've apparently cracked the small radial head of my left arm. That's the top of the little bone that controls side to side motion for those of you like myself who don't know all the bones in your body by name.

It's painful and must be carefully managed, but doesn't require surgery or a cast.

Sooo... for the next two weeks, I cannot ride, run, drive my car*, do pilates, walk my dogs, clean stalls, or do any form of heavy lifting.

I know. I just summarized my life and all of it is off the table. In two weeks, they'll take more xrays and hopefully I can slowly start doing more interesting stuff.

*I can drive cars. I just can't drive my car because it's a standard and that requires both arms.

I mean, I can't even open the gate to Izzy's field by myself. LAME.

Goals

I set a goal for this month of riding four times a week. Remember that.

I made it out to the barn around noon yesterday. I am/was really happy that everyone is back at work now, because I was all alone. Oh, and it was COLD. Like 20f and blowing 20mph. Feels like 0, in case you were wondering. I turned Izzy out in the indoor and she galloped and bucked like a maniac. Ok, I thought, this is a good day not to ride.

Then I realized something: I could not go out Monday. I will not be out Thursday and I rarely have time to ride on Wednesay. That is three days this week, which means that I MUST ride the other four, or risk not completing my goals for the mere reason that I wimped out. I need to be thankful that I'm not dealing with issues like Kristen and Denali are, and get my butt in that freezing cold saddle.

Izzy and I trooped back the the barn to tack up when I realized that something was wrong. Yes, in all her playing and leaping and bucking, someone's mare had apparently knocked a big ol' crack in her hoof. Sigh. (I took pictures, but forgot to get them off the camera). She looked sound, but I called my farrier just to be sure. Farrier said to keep her going as long as she's sound--these things happen.

Nuts. These things happen when it's cold and I don't want to put bell boots on, you mean. I pulled out the western saddle and off we went. It was a short ride, but it was a ride. We worked on halting, backing, trotting off, jogging, and some turn on the haunches. Izzy was actually really good, so when we were done, I turned her out. IN HER BELL BOOTS.

Of course the weather forecast calls for warmer weather and rain. Everything's dry and frozen right now, which means the risk of infection is like zero. Add a bunch of standing water in and that goes WAY up. Dangit.

I am hoping to get a ride in today, though. Cross your fingers for me.

That Silly Mare

After yesterday's antics with the farrier and today's continued cool weather, I made a new plan for today. 1) We will put a stud chain on the halter and do some basic ground work. 2) We will tack up and go lunge Ms Mare's butt off in the outdoor. 3) We will have a decent ride and 4) Ms Mare will have about an hour for turnout before I have to leave.

1 went well. I only had to remind Izzy once or twice that she was to STOP when I said stop and not run all over the top of me. She had a very penitent look on her face, too. I think she knew what that was about.

2 started well. She was the best she's ever been in the crossties and I got her put together in good time. I thought about pulling out my cool climatex polos and (normal) bell boots, but I was on a schedule and wrapping takes time. Instead, I clipped on the lunge line and took her across the street to the arenas. I decided to walk her through the aisle next to the indoor becaue we're going to have to start riding in there soon. It seemed like a good decision at the time.

As we turned into the aisle, a cat leaped out and ran almost under Izzy's feet. Izzy is not a fan of cats, things under her feet, or dark aisles, so she leaped sideways. Her left foreleg slammed into the side of the indoor. She wouldn't even put weight on her right leg.

Oooooooh. I made her walk down the aisle anyways when she decided she apparently hadn't broken her leg off. In fact, she seemed ok. We went to the outdoor and I watched her go around on the lunge line. She was sound. Thank God. When I stopped her, I noticed blood on her leg. She also noticed it, so she stuck her nose in it and looked at me like, "I can't work today. I'm clearly about to bleed to death."

I didn't quite believe her, but it did merit further inspection and I didn't really want to get sand in a bloody wound, so we walked back to the barn, untacked, and then cold-hosed her leg for about 10 minutes. A closer inspection revealed that she skinned the back of her right front fetlock, but there was nothing dangling and there wasn't really much blood.

I turned her out in the pasture and she ambled off, munching grass.

Izzy 1, Aimee 0