Horses are my Therapy, A Follow Up

Lauren is a fantastic human and blogger who wrote the Plaid Horse post, "Horses Can't Be Our Only Therapy". It's good. You should read it.

a world in contrast

I wanted to append her thoughts just a little bit because they're a topic that strikes very close to home for me. 

I loathe the "horses are my therapy" sentiment. 

Loathe. 

beyond side eye

Horses are amazing. Many things to many people. I've invested years of my life into them and I will 100% tell you they (and the people I met through them) shaped me into the person I am today and I will forever be grateful for that. 

reflection

However. 

I'm going to be very personal for a minute and tell you I was raised in a shitty environment where there were a lot of unhealthy expectations and that I was never allowed to think for myself or have an emotion or respond to anything and as a very young human, I learned to choke everything down. By the time I turned 18, I literally didn't have emotional responses to anything. Ever. If that sounds weird AF, it fucking is. 

smoosh weird

You know why I kept that fucking hellmare for so long?

Because I literally didn't know how to feel fear. Couldn't process it. Didn't have a space in my head for it. 

It took three deeply unhealthy years of me trying everything and doing everything and being unable to process a goddamn basic concept like fear before I was able to be like "ho shit the reason my stomach feels weird every time I go to get on this animal is an emotion called FEAR and that is a normal and rational response to being wildly overhorsed and hey, it's an important red flag that your brain is trying to keep you from actually dying". 

hellmare glory

If that sounds weird AF, it fucking is. 

And if you think it might have been smarter/safer/cheaper to address all that in the confines of a therapist's office, you're probably right. If you think it was unfair to drag a horse along with me through that particular puddle of shit, you're also right.

when does this story get a zb?

I'd like to say the story has a happy ending there, right? I learned that fear is a thing and that life is better without fear and that fear means you might actually die and you should pay attention when you feel fear. And then I met Cuna. And everything was great.

From him, I learned another super-elementary concept: love. For the first time in my life, there was someone I couldn't wait to see. Wanted to be with all the time. This connection that no one else got but it was just the two of us against the world and I never cared that he was this goofy old red horse and he never cared that I was this weirdly damaged oddball who desperately tried to look normal. 

<3

As you all know, the next step after that was learning to lose him. 

And then Courage, with every cheesy implication you can think of. I think the most important thing I learned from him was that no matter how far down I thought I'd stuffed my emotions and how hidden every response was, I still had to acknowledge them. They still mattered. 

it was a complicated relationship

I still fucking mattered. 

It didn't matter one iota if no other human on the face of the planet knew I was a fucking wreck who was going through hell. 

He knew. 

He called me on it. 

It was zero fun. Do not recommend.

If that sounds weird AF, it fucking is.  

and yet we still looked magical

Because see. I vividly remember showing up to ride because y'know horses are therapy or whatever bullshit. The moment I stepped out of the car, he knew what was up. 

I literally couldn't catch him in his stall. 

IN HIS STALL. 

Standing there. Crying. Because the one thing that was supposed to be "my therapy", the "fun thing" in my life, was no fun at all. 

I learned a lot. I learned that I have emotions. That those emotions matter. That sensitive creatures can call us out on those emotions even when humans can't or won't or don't care.

But you know what else I learned?

a better way

Horses have emotions too. They respond to us on a very innate level. It is completely and totally unfair to them to show up and dump our stress and our shit and our negativity into their otherwise placid lives and then blame them for their responses. We are responsible for their well-being, not the other way around. 

If I can't meet my horse in a calm, understanding frame of mind and be in that moment with them, I need to not be there. 

<3

I cringe when I watch people take their shit out on their horses and their dogs and their kids. It bothers me on a very visceral level when I hear people assign intention to an action by an animal. The horse isn't being a jerk. He doesn't care one way or another about your right leg or your left rein or the jump in front of him or whatever stupid bullshit you're blaming him for. 

All the horse is doing is responding to what you don't even know you brought with you. 

this

Some are like Zoe and they're golden through and through and will tolerate a lot more. Some are like Courage and won't. 

It doesn't matter though. 

It's still our responsibility to be better than that. 

We owe it to them. 

baby mare

I spend less time with Zoe on a weekly basis than any other horse I've had. 

Every time I'm with her, I am able to breathe in and breathe out and be part of that moment. 

Not dragging my shit behind me.

Not blaming her for what I brought with me. 

Not taking out on her things she has nothing to do with. 

sunshine and grass

And you know what? 

We're stronger for it. Time spent together, no matter what we're doing, is positive for both of us. 

also bareback dressage

30 Things Blog Hop

Thanks to Amanda for starting, Liz for making it cool, Leah for forcing me to brainstorm, T for 100% agreeing that publishing lists on the internet is ill-advised, and all of the above for being awesome anyways.

why yes i did order this

Without further ago, here are 30 indispensable facts about me that you were definitely dying to know.

1) I am deeply suspicious of lists that reveal personal information on the internet.

2) I've read War and Peace for fun. Twice. And Moby Dick. And Atlas Shrugged is next on my list because of Jen. (See also: nerd.)

3) If I had my life to do over, I'd be a professor at a university or a heavy equipment mechanic, with job prospects, job security, and pay grade inclining me towards the latter.

meet dik dik jesus

4) I hate fish. Alive. Dead. All of them. 

5) I never wanted to be a vet.

6) I never wanted to be a horse trainer. 

wish i'd trained her to do this

7) I was a ballroom dancer in college. Still miss it.

8 )  If you think horse people have drama, you haven't met dancers. 

9) I've never played an organized team sport in my life.

10) I've always wanted to win a belt buckle but never participated in a sport that dispensed them. 

me RN

11) I think pie is overrated.

12) Same with cake.

13) I once made my own costume to go to a fantasy movie premier. There are pictures. 

guess that might not surprise you

14) My first car was the same age as me.

15) I like to drive down roads just to see where they go.

16) My favorite music is female-fronted symphonic euro-metal. 

17) I don't read non-fiction.

31. my favorite animal is dik diks

18) I love cheese and pasta.

19) I got married so young people thought I was in a weird cult.

20) I didn't join a weird cult until much later.

pictured: the cult as dik diks

21) I don't read horse blog posts about dogs. But I do like dogs.

22) I actually don't like cats.

23) Cats also don't like me.

24) I always hated teeny dogs until I got one and now I'm obsessed with him.

no one can even in the face of Teeny

25) I rarely read books written in the last century. That's how you can be sure all the shitty ones got filtered out.

26) I rarely watch tv that's more than a couple years old because I want to be entertained RIGHT NOW and have no patience.

27) I hate watching videos. I'm a fast reader. Don't waste my time.

i am one self important dik dik

28) I delete more friends than i add on Facebook, but consider myself relatively extroverted. Relatively is probably a key term here.

32) and i regularly consider changing this gerenuk to my profile pic

29) The only constellation I can pick out on a regular basis is Orion. Sometimes the big dipper, but I always see Orion first.

30) I live 30 minutes from a ski resort and don't ski. I mean, I did ski a couple times, but there are only so many dangerous, time consuming, expensive hobbies a girl can have.

ZB conquers all

Unexpected Bonus

I know I've said this a million times, but Zoë is unlike any horse I've ever had before. That's a good thing. I was definitely ready for the new challenges, but they are still challenges. 

um never had a horse let me do this before <3 

For example.

I started a new job last week, which is fantastic. However. It's mentally a lot of work to learn a whole different way of doing things.

Plus daylight savings time.

Plus fall/winter weather arriving.

All of which equaled not necessarily wanting to saddle up and go for it after work in the dark on a baby.

Especially on a baby who is a little bit coming into her own and enjoying the fall weather. Nothing she's doing is bad or unmanageable, but it means I need to get on and ride or like, not.

smooshes gotta smoosh

Here's the fun part though--Zoë starts bootcamp next month, which means I'm totally not worried about the riding. I can not ride from now till December and she'll still be #Zoëfabulous, because that's the kind of lady she is. Or I can get on her and toodle and have her be absolutely foot perfect, then let her tear around the round pen after and see what a smart baby knows when she's working and when she's playing. (Did that too.)

such a fancy lady!

Oh yeah. Round pen.

We hadn't actually used said implement since Zoë graduated to the big arena for canter practice. It's out of the way and I hadn't really thought about it and I'm not really a "round pen" person in terms of wanting a horse to pointlessly run circles.

But when it's late and I'm tired and forgot my lunge line in the tack room? Oh hell yeah I'm learning to be a round pen person.

#effor

In our clinic, I learned that the canter is the key to improving Zoë's other gaits. Getting the canter under saddle right now takes more brain cells than I can rub together on some work nights, but 10/10 I can ask her to be responsible for her own balance and do a bunch of transitions in the round pen.

Another challenge I've been dealing with is that Zoë's bugaboo is loose horses running around--if the pasture horses take off when I'm working her, she gets very distracted. She hasn't been naughty about it under saddle yet, but it's definitely a topic we come back to.

unrelated but how cute is she?

I really don't like getting after horses a ton with a lunge line and dragging on their face/mouth. I also don't like the idea in a big arena that she might learn to get loose under duress if I were to lose control of the lunge line.

But you know how to eliminate those variables?

Oh yeah round pen. NIFTY.

So yup. Put her in the round pen. Horse outside went a little nutso. Zoë was like WUT R THAT MUST CHECK OUT and I was immediately able to send her forward and put her to work and get her attention back on me and work through it in a couple minutes without ever pulling on her face or worrying about losing control.

you're getting weekend pics because 1) we are adorbs and 2) the lighting is hella better

Also cool is just dealing with Zoë's brain in these circumstances. She's a naturally forward going gal, but she's happy to come back when I ask her to. Instead of like. Checking out and leaving. (One of us has baggage. #itsme).

this angle hides how dirty her tail is

I'm definitely looking forward to being back in the saddle and doing the "normal" sporthorse training stuff, but I love all the value I see coming out of our quick evening sessions too.

Not Dead, Not Quite Alive

We got a perfect storm of daylight savings time (hate), winter weather starting (ick), and real life getting kind of nuts (ok fine I guess). 

such a lovely lady

I haven't gotten in the training hours I'd like to with Zoe. 

but our selfie game is pretty incredible

I showed up as it was getting dark while a storm was blowing in the other night. Even in the stall, I could tell my sweet baby mare was #Zoewild and all I really wanted was a proof of life photo, so after grabbing said selfie, I stuck her on a lunge line and watched her run like a loony. 

I mean. As much of a loony as a Zoebird can be, which doesn't even register on the scale of "horse I've had in the past", but I definitely respected the little lady's self-expression. 

mmmm that ombre' tho

When she'd gotten the wiggles out, we did a little ground work and called it a day. 

And you know what?

It was fun. I smooshed her smooshy face and she was friendly and sweet. 

unrelated adorable picture

She officially starts grown up training with my dressage trainer here in a couple weeks, which will be really nice for my very-full schedule right now. We have a clinic coming up that I'm excited about. 

saddle situation=not resolved

We aren't doing anything ground breaking or cool or amazing. 

And it's still fun. 

Every day. 

You Would NOT BELIEVE the Thing I Did at the Barn

Winter is coming, yo. As a working ammy, that means riding in the dark and cold and being short on time and needing to make the best of it. 

Normally, I'm pretty heads up about getting ready--I have blankets professionally washed and prepped before summer and I'm super organized.

that is not a clean blanket

But.

Rehoming Courage meant not putting much effort into dealing with his gear. Then getting Zoe meant lots of trying things on and shuffling things around and buying new things annnnnnd the net result of that is that it basically looked like a hoarder exploded in my tack area and "my tack area" was becoming a majority percentage of a generously-esized (shared) tack room.

First things first.

I'd sort of tried a single blanket on Zoe a month or so back and squinted through the fingers I put over my eyes and was like "yeah maybe that'll work", but since winter is legit going to happen, it was time to find out if it would work or not.

yeah no

Courage was a 78" horse that had to spend a lot of time in 81" blankets because I already owned them and homeboy could deal. Zoebird is an 81" horse (right now) who really and truly doesn't fit in 78"s. Fortunately, my 81"s are pretty clean still because they got less use. The 78"s might be finding new homes.

81 is ok. she won't grow, right?

Then there was the slight issue of "someone exploded in the tack room". 

It probably took me a good hour and a half, but I trimmed stuff in the tack room down to the bare essentials in my trunk. 

a clean trunk always makes me think of the preternaturally organized Carly

I cleaned the trunk itself and reorganized what's actually in there so I can find/see it. I cut back to ONE set of boots, ONE set of polos, two helmets, and grooming kit essentials, plus ONE cooler and then I was even able to fit the wash bucket and clippers in the trunk instead of leaving them on the floor. 

And then... 

I wish I had a before pic for you. 

uh actually this was before it got really out of hand
plus you can't see the saddle rack(s)

I had a giant pile of saddle pads, two saddles, a ripped up neck cover, and god knows what else strewn across three saddle racks in complete disorder. Not including the strap goods explosion. 

And now we have this:

tidy

That's right. One saddle (the one that fits), the saddle pads I use with it, one girth, one breastcollar, one dressage bridle, one toodle bridle. And my lunge line. 

Everything else was neatly cleaned off, hauled home, and packed away for the winter. I'm not getting rid of it, but I need it not to be collecting dust and stressing me out at the barn for the next couple months. 

Bet you didn't see that coming. 

Doing It Different

Possibly you remember last month, when I ran my first ever half marathon with, uh, "limited" training and had some takeaways. 

Don't worry! This is not going to be a fitness blog, because that seems like a super boring thing to write. 

That said. Since said race, I actually have been training (better late than never, amiright), so it was less of a terrible idea when Nadia was like "let's do a 10k!" 

i love medals. also stella needs to up her selfie game.

I hope most of you are familiar with blogger Nadia--she's a badass distance-running, animal-welfare-working, TED-talking, all-around-awesome person with her own super cool baby horse that is basically Zoe's super-talented little sister. 

Anyways. 

I love how connected all this is--last time I ran, I talked about emotional awareness for myself as a rider and how my (lack of) training affected me. And see, this time, I trained. It was not enough, but it was more than before. 

def wore blerch shirt

When I knew what to expect and I knew that I was ready to take it on, the whole race was so much smoother. 

And I know that sounds like a super dumb thing to say, because like... obviously? 

It's the same philosophy I used with Zoe--go slow. Do tiny increments. Set her up for success. Never, ever surprise her. Just simple, methodical horsemanship.

one toodle at a time

 The difference the preparation makes is monumental.

I can't overstate that.

Anyways.

Because a 10k is such a friendly distance (SO SHORT) and because I (omg) actually trained, I finished and only felt about a quarter like death so I was like OMG LETS GO PLAY WITH ZOE WHAT A GOOD IDEA.

And Nadia is like "but I have no riding clothes"
And I am like "soooooo?"

post race stretches!

Because one of the absolutely coolest things about Zoe is I can literally show up and put a bridle on her and we're off on a toodle.

and that's how we did a whole weekend in like half of one day

Because she knows I'll never ask more than she can give. 

And she knows that because I set her up to succeed every single day. 

d'awww

I have bigger goals for myself than just finishing a given run and I have bigger goals for Zoe than just "getting around" a show.

Our path to get there is slow.

Methodical.

And so, so deliberate.