Much Needed ZB Update

I haaaaate blog posts that start out by apologizing for not blogging, so I refuse to do that to you guys. 

HOWEVER. 

Things have been happening. 

always toodling

blogger meet up!

riding lessons!

definitely my latest zany idea in progress

Plus the weather here has been to-die-for (too soon?) and so my evenings have been out doing all the things vs staring at my laptop typing away. 

There's a lot going on. Most of it doesn't belong here. 

WHAT R ON ZB

But some of it does. ZB continues to be the loveliest lady no matter what I cook up any given day. I can throw frisbees off her, hack out alone in the rain, or take trips and come home knowing that she's still going to whinny at me and be foot perfect to play with. 

I mean. She definitely has her things. 

yeah i'm growing out her mane

In a last ditch attempt to make me focus, my trainer has started semi-mandating weekly lessons because otherwise she knows I just fuck around and screw things up. Which like. She's right. And it's true. And I like lessons. And lort knows I need the help. 

Plus I don't actually have any lesson media (sorry!), but GODDAMN little lady is coming along nicely when I remember to sit up and ride. I even had a moment of being like "LETS GO TO A SHOW" right up until I remembered how much work that is. 

also my corgi stole the mrs pastures and just strolled past me like this
BRB DYING

Some days we work hard and put in the time with ground work and dressage and concentrated "training".

But a lot of days, I need to just not.

oh and a new photo editor

I hang out and breathe her horsey smell. Play with her mane. Groom her gleaming coat. Watch her munch on her favorite weeds and marvel that a creature like this is here with me.

Some things are good. Some things are not good. 

But we're here. 

Together.

Happy To Be Wrong

I've always watched people having fun with their horses and thought that couldn't be me because somehow I was stuck on this idea that the horse I needed to be competitive in the show arena wasn't the same horse that made me laugh back in the barn. 

dramatic spring skies

And for some reason, I was more focused on the competitiveness than the fun thing.

The whole point of Zoe is that I was really sick of that mindset.

I didn't get two shits if I ever showed again.

I just wanted to have fun.

ZB R SMOOSH DOGGO

Now I have this incredible baby mare who whinnies at me every day when I show up. 

She's game to try every day no matter what we're doing.

best evening plans

She has this beautiful attitude where she's calm and brave and sees new things as fun adventures instead of scary predators. 

Her response to changes in her home environment is to march over and stick her nose on whatever it is and smoosh it. 

her days of fitting through a people door are limited

It's funny how much she's changed my entire attitude. 

She's the most talented horse I've ever had the privilege of owning. I'm closer to my 10 year goals that I have ever been in my life. 

And they matter less to me than they ever have. 

hullo hing leg

Don't get me wrong--I still want to show. I want to get my bronze medal on a horse I trained myself. I want to run one recognized event above BN. I want to have a great outfit. Get a 70%. Know I belong. 

etc

SASS DOGGO

But right now?

It's rather terrible content for a blog, because I enjoy every damn day. I have such a good time. I'm not freaking out and struggling. There isn't really a compelling story line because honestly, everything actually is awesome. 

selfie game even on point

I'm really excited about the lessons we're taking right now because each glimpse at the potential ZB has makes me even more excited for our competitive future together. 

d'awww

But I'd be lying if I said that was the thing I enjoyed most about her.

It's the every day laughs in the barn that make this entire relationship worthwhile.

#nailedit: Training Breakthrough

I maaaaaay have mentioned the other day how I broke my horse and she completely forgot how to turn right. I possibly did not mention how toodling in a western saddle while giggling hysterically also completely broke the rest of the steering.

NOT R WANT TURN NO

GOOD NEWS GUYS.

I did some actual riding and I fixed my horse AND found a new secret way to do it.

Here it is:

1) Pick up your outside rein. Bend your elbow, close your fingers, HOLD A CONTACT, and alllllllmost think counter bend.

2) Apply your inside leg to keep your horse's body straight and connected.

BOOM.

I was so proud of myself for figuring this out.

And then I was like "wait inside leg to outside rein... have I heard this before somewhere?"

Nah it's totes new material.

i will distract you with how cute we are

Baby Mares: They Grow

dust. the season before mud.

I've been in absolute tack ho hysterics lately because it seems like nothing I own fits Zoebird anymore. Which like. Babies grow, I get it. But also she is four and sure people TELL ME that drafties grow through their seven year old year and yes, I've formed her life/training plan around letting her growing body develop, but also like the horse is four. How much is she really going to change?

Cough.

I'll just wait for y'all to quit laughing uproariously.

Okay. So. I was cleaning up my phone pictures the other day and I saw this:

is a baby!

That's a baby Zoebird the first day I ever met her. Look what a leetle beebee she is! 

Annnnnnd here's Zoebird playing in the round pen last week:

VA VA VOOM

And like. That isn't a fat horse you're looking at. Mare is solid. She's muscle. She's pretty fit. She was in great shape when she came too--nice weight, glossy coat, all that. 

It's just that in four months (I counted), she doesn't look like the same horse anymore. 

You can see it under saddle too:

one of her first rides

I think that was like... first few days of August? 

Annnnnnnd here's October: 

mmhmmm

Oh and if you're wondering what a curvy girl looks like without all the tack, well, brace yourself:

that's real round

IN FOUR MONTHS

boss corgi needs more coffee

So uh. 

That existential scream you just heard was definitely someone else saddle shopping. 

Definitely. 

Rolex Part the Fourth: Parting Thoughts

We're going with a bullet pointed list here because 1) this is a lot of writing and 2) headcold+vertigo is not helping the higher cognitive functions.

adios

• 11/10 would go again right this minute--I had so much fun and loved the entire experience. 

Topline Leather represent!

• The people really made this for me. Well, and the shopping. If you hate people or shopping, this might not be your jam. Or your jam might be different than my jam. Either way. 

great dogs, too

• Covered seats=worth. it. For stadium at least. Especially if you're not from the special hell that is the midwest. Humidity=murder. 

stadium communal sweat pool

• I'd heard horror stories about lines and prices at the concessions, so we brought drinks/snacks and never visited the concessions. My observation was that as long as you didn't hit prime times, concession lines were fine. Prices were off the charts though. Think $10 for a drink. Yikes! 

free shots on xc tho

• Fauxbarrys (or the real thing) are a super smart idea if you ever leave pavement. That grass is long and thick and wet feet are not the funnest.

plus great shots

• Do your research! I'm a shopper, so I kinda know what stuff sells for. I got some killer deals on things I needed (gloves and shirts), did not regret buying some things that never go on sale (Eponia), and passed on things that had marginal-at-best pricing (LA MUNDIAL AND C4). No harm in paying full price if it means you're not paying shipping (or get to handle stuff in person), but gotta be smart. Or loaded. Prefer both.

yes plz

• If you're from the northwest, be forewarned that they don't really do coffee there (there=Kentucky generally). You will have to look harder to get your fix. Learn to love gas station coffee.

or drink not coffee

• A backpack or messenger bag was absolutely invaluable. I loaded it with snacks and drinks in the morning and then swapped those things out for purchases as the day went on. 

CAT BAG

• Parking is not that bad. Unless it is Saturday. And then it is THAT BAD. 

we've already walked a hundred miles AND THE CAR IS BY THOSE TREES

• Driving around the back roads and seeing miles and miles of beautiful black fences and rolling green hills was like being in fairy land. IF FAIRY LAND WAS BUILT IN HELL. Regardless, must-see experience. Plus your car likely has all-important climate control. 

Um... I think that about covers it? 

2017 Goals

Ok I'm trying AGAIN to set realistic goals that make sense for my life and my horse. I'm not aiming at specific scores or shows or levels.

Courage Goals:
1) Starting in February, keep him in work 3x a week--lunging, riding, groundwork.
2) As circumstances permit, pro training (lesson or pro ride) 4x a month.
3) 5 off-property excursions: trail ride, clinic, lesson, horse show, or just hanging out with friends.

Courage and I have a complicated relationship. He's talented but difficult. I want to start the year out developing him into a horse I can enjoy owning. I'm half tempted to say that I need to figure out where I stand with him, but that's too complicated. Just know that I'm aiming to knock these out in the first half of the year, and if they don't pan out or aren't fun, we may be exploring other equine avenues.

Horse Goals: 
4) Get acclimated to riding second level movements whether on Courage or on school horses.
5) Audit at least three different clinicians.
6) Attend (either as volunteer or competitor) at least three dressage shows.
7) Ride 10 other horses in a non-toodling capacity.

Whatever happens with Courage, I want to keep developing my education and abilities. Dressage is where I'm at right now, so I want to see what's out there for someone like me. Whether or not this is the sport I stick to, I want to give it a good, solid try.

Meta Goals:
8) Attend 1-2 top level equine sporting events (advanced eventing, grand prix dressage or jumping)
9) Train for and complete either a 10k or half marathon, body-permitting.
10) Do core workouts 1-2x a week ALL YEAR LONG (body permitting).

In addition to becoming more educated about dressage, I think there is a lot of value in getting exposed to the top of the sport. It shows me what I'm headed for and what all this builds into (maybe eventually. you know.) I also want to cultivate my overall fitness in pursuit of being a stronger person all around. I'm pretty limited in what I can do right now (thanks stupid giant truck slamming into me), but I anticipate being normal eventually.

There. Ten goals. All achievable (theoretically).

can't stop us now

Overly Personal

Despite how it might appear online, I'm a very private person. There are parts of my life I'll share with anyone anytime, but there are also a lot of parts I share with no one, ever.

quintessential lap chiweenie

This past year has entailed dealing with a lot of bullshit that falls on the "no one, ever" side of the spectrum. It's not strictly horse-related, so it's not 100% relevant to this blog.

But.

What are horses, if not thousand pound mirrors of everything we like and hate about ourselves?

me too buddy

So without getting overly detailed and personal, I think we can agree that Courage and I have a tenuous (rocky?) relationship. It's hot and cold and on and off and omg the vacillations have probably exhausted you all. I've received many well-intentioned, well-reasoned opinions from people I like and trust to just sell the horse. It's good advice. It's advice I'd give myself in a similar situation. I'm not offended by it and I honestly appreciate the outside perspective.

I keep hanging on to Courage against reason. Against logic. Against everything. And it's not even like I'm head over heels for him most of the time, you know? I have good rides and I'm like "omg <3", but just as often, I have incredibly terrible rides (if I can even catch him) and leave the barn supremely frustrated. And then there's now, where I'm not even riding and he's still being an asshole.

yeah it's cool i wanted to spend hours cooling you out DUMBASS

In any circumstances, that's more than enough to justify finding something easier. This is a hobby. It's supposed to be fun. I'm back on the "definitely not fun" swing of things. Courage is impossible to catch, impossible to handle, and an absolute twit to work with.

But see.

I'm working through a lot of things personally. Things like keeping everyone and everything in my life at arm's length. Or being so guarded that I never let anyone close so they can't hurt me. Compulsively hiding any trace of emotion so no one knows how I really feel, ever. Deep-seated (justifiable) anger. Disappointment. Loss.

I am 100% polished and professional at pushing everyone away.

And that's a me-problem, not a Courage-problem.

whoops

Another me-problem is that my lack of trust in future outcomes means I'm very driven by what happens in the moment. Which means I have a freakishly hard time seeing through the difficult present to a possibly brighter future.

hmmm

Which is to say, I'm very emotionally unstable right now and then I piled a concussion on top of that. If you've never had a concussion, just know they're the worst. I can't think or concentrate on anything, I make stupid errors, and I forget everything. It's maddening.

Courage is not the forgiving type to start with, he's never been easy, and I guess the best thing I can say for him is that he's 100% "genuine", meaning he goes like shit when he feels like shit and he doesn't apologize for yanking my chain, ever.

That's just Courage. Take it or leave it.

yup

Between the "emotionally unstable", the "concussion protocol", and then the "SB hasn't ridden since 12/1" problem, I'm a giant ball of angst. I go back and forth between "I should just shoot him in his stupid head" and "omg <3 he's making me a better person and we're in this together".

Like. Both those emotions in the same half second or so.

super awesome blogger secret santa present!

I'm trying to accept that I simply am emotionally unstable right now for reasons outside my control and actually not because of Courage. I know that my interactions with him are just a reflection of the larger pile of shit I'm wading through and frankly, the weather is freaking horrible and it's really not a bad idea for him to have some time off.

But dammit, I really want to just go out to the barn and walk into my horse's stall and have him meet me at the gate and be one of those "everything is ok" horses where I can hop on and toodle around when I need to.

And he's not that.

nope

I can't make him that.

I can't control what's going on around me. I can't always trust my own judgement. I know I'm not in a place to make big decisions right now.

What I can do is make a plan.

step one: stick head in snowbank

Courage is getting December off. He hasn't been ridden anyways and as my trainer pointed out, he's an all or nothing horse.

I don't know if I can ride come January, but I feel confident that I'll be able to lunge or work him in hand 2-3 days a week. My trainer will be able to ride him 2x a week as weather permits.

definitely things to work on

Generally, February means we start being able to ride outside again around here, so hopefully by them I'm back in the saddle and Courage is in a program.

The maddening thing with basically everything in my life right now is that I have no control over it. I can't put it on a schedule. I can't say when I'll feel better. I can't say when or if my head will start working right again.

but i have cute pets

So yeah. I can't fix Courage and he doesn't always give me the warm fuzzies. I can buy him a metric ton of shit (actual scenario), put a plan together, and feel like there's one tiny corner of my life that's starting to make sense.

And sometimes, one tiny corner is all I get.

pic courtesy of the Thoughtful Equestrian