Horses are my Therapy, A Follow Up

Lauren is a fantastic human and blogger who wrote the Plaid Horse post, "Horses Can't Be Our Only Therapy". It's good. You should read it.

a world in contrast

I wanted to append her thoughts just a little bit because they're a topic that strikes very close to home for me. 

I loathe the "horses are my therapy" sentiment. 

Loathe. 

beyond side eye

Horses are amazing. Many things to many people. I've invested years of my life into them and I will 100% tell you they (and the people I met through them) shaped me into the person I am today and I will forever be grateful for that. 

reflection

However. 

I'm going to be very personal for a minute and tell you I was raised in a shitty environment where there were a lot of unhealthy expectations and that I was never allowed to think for myself or have an emotion or respond to anything and as a very young human, I learned to choke everything down. By the time I turned 18, I literally didn't have emotional responses to anything. Ever. If that sounds weird AF, it fucking is. 

smoosh weird

You know why I kept that fucking hellmare for so long?

Because I literally didn't know how to feel fear. Couldn't process it. Didn't have a space in my head for it. 

It took three deeply unhealthy years of me trying everything and doing everything and being unable to process a goddamn basic concept like fear before I was able to be like "ho shit the reason my stomach feels weird every time I go to get on this animal is an emotion called FEAR and that is a normal and rational response to being wildly overhorsed and hey, it's an important red flag that your brain is trying to keep you from actually dying". 

hellmare glory

If that sounds weird AF, it fucking is. 

And if you think it might have been smarter/safer/cheaper to address all that in the confines of a therapist's office, you're probably right. If you think it was unfair to drag a horse along with me through that particular puddle of shit, you're also right.

when does this story get a zb?

I'd like to say the story has a happy ending there, right? I learned that fear is a thing and that life is better without fear and that fear means you might actually die and you should pay attention when you feel fear. And then I met Cuna. And everything was great.

From him, I learned another super-elementary concept: love. For the first time in my life, there was someone I couldn't wait to see. Wanted to be with all the time. This connection that no one else got but it was just the two of us against the world and I never cared that he was this goofy old red horse and he never cared that I was this weirdly damaged oddball who desperately tried to look normal. 

<3

As you all know, the next step after that was learning to lose him. 

And then Courage, with every cheesy implication you can think of. I think the most important thing I learned from him was that no matter how far down I thought I'd stuffed my emotions and how hidden every response was, I still had to acknowledge them. They still mattered. 

it was a complicated relationship

I still fucking mattered. 

It didn't matter one iota if no other human on the face of the planet knew I was a fucking wreck who was going through hell. 

He knew. 

He called me on it. 

It was zero fun. Do not recommend.

If that sounds weird AF, it fucking is.  

and yet we still looked magical

Because see. I vividly remember showing up to ride because y'know horses are therapy or whatever bullshit. The moment I stepped out of the car, he knew what was up. 

I literally couldn't catch him in his stall. 

IN HIS STALL. 

Standing there. Crying. Because the one thing that was supposed to be "my therapy", the "fun thing" in my life, was no fun at all. 

I learned a lot. I learned that I have emotions. That those emotions matter. That sensitive creatures can call us out on those emotions even when humans can't or won't or don't care.

But you know what else I learned?

a better way

Horses have emotions too. They respond to us on a very innate level. It is completely and totally unfair to them to show up and dump our stress and our shit and our negativity into their otherwise placid lives and then blame them for their responses. We are responsible for their well-being, not the other way around. 

If I can't meet my horse in a calm, understanding frame of mind and be in that moment with them, I need to not be there. 

<3

I cringe when I watch people take their shit out on their horses and their dogs and their kids. It bothers me on a very visceral level when I hear people assign intention to an action by an animal. The horse isn't being a jerk. He doesn't care one way or another about your right leg or your left rein or the jump in front of him or whatever stupid bullshit you're blaming him for. 

All the horse is doing is responding to what you don't even know you brought with you. 

this

Some are like Zoe and they're golden through and through and will tolerate a lot more. Some are like Courage and won't. 

It doesn't matter though. 

It's still our responsibility to be better than that. 

We owe it to them. 

baby mare

I spend less time with Zoe on a weekly basis than any other horse I've had. 

Every time I'm with her, I am able to breathe in and breathe out and be part of that moment. 

Not dragging my shit behind me.

Not blaming her for what I brought with me. 

Not taking out on her things she has nothing to do with. 

sunshine and grass

And you know what? 

We're stronger for it. Time spent together, no matter what we're doing, is positive for both of us. 

also bareback dressage

hellomylivia hop: What I Didn't Know I Didn't Know

Olivia started this with one of the coolest blog posts I've read in a while and then Liz pitched in and now I want to give it a go. Here's what I would tell myself as a brand new adult amateur horse owner who just got handed the lead rope to the hellmare and all the things that followed:

aw look how i'm not on her

1) You have no idea what you're getting in to.

I rode as a kid, on lesson horses and half leases here and there. I worked hard and cleaned stalls and did 4H and never had the newest, nicest, or best, but I read everything I could get my hands on, spent every moment I could get at the barn, rode anything anyone would let me, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

best old man horse

2) You have no idea how much you need this.

Horses and horse people have been a driving force for good in my life on so many levels. The people I've met and connections I've made have shaped the life I lead today in more ways than I can count. No matter what was going on in the rest of my life, I was always surrounded by passionate, intelligent, driven women who became role models to me whether they knew it or not.

possibly our best jump lesson ever

3) Even your lowest moments will shape you in positive ways.

When I had my wreck on the hellmare and was too afraid to keep trying but too stupid to quit, I found a community of people to ask hard questions and help me find perspective. When I lost Cuna, I was surrounded by once in a lifetime friends who carried me through dark times I couldn't handle alone. When I had to let go of Courage, I was again among incredible people who helped both of us find a resolution.

and this is how you jump a bank with 3 broken bones
which is apparently a thing i can do

4) The horses are pretty great too.

Every one of them has something to show me and learning to listen and communicate, shape behavior and respond, has been transformative in my life. To me, it's not about the shows and the ribbons and the outfits. Learning to connect and trust another living being is a truly amazing experience and to me it makes the blood, sweat, tears, and dollars all worth it so many times over.

I love how horses can continue to evolve with us. My goals and approach now are completely different than they used to be. I'm more relaxed and more focused. I never expected to be where I am today, but now that I'm here, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Here's to the horses that made it possible.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Tack

Some of you remember my amazing old man horse, Cuna.

hopefully you forgot my over-editing-photos phase

He had a very complex head--big, soft eyes, teacup muzzle, broad forehead. It wasn't until the last few months of his life that I finally found a bridle I really liked on his face. It wasn't even that expensive--a Mark Todd model from the UK that is now discontinued.

It's a lovely piece. I did put it on Courage once or (maybe) twice, but it was so wrong for his face that it wasn't even funny.

nope

Unfortunately, there was an era before google photos and the truly horrible shots are lost to the internet. It also didn't really fit him at all.

So I had this bridle. And it was special to me. But I also had no particular use for it.

And then a friend of mine got her own horse.

The lovely Ms. G

And see, this friend is someone who has meant a lot to me over the years and was really more of a co-owner with me on Cuna than anything.

It was only right that the bridle went to her.

Life changes and my friend ended up horseless.

But when I saw her last, she handed me a bridle bag and said to try it on Zoe and that if it didn't fit, she wanted it back.

awwww

It fits.

I'm rarely weird and sentimental.

Today, I'm weird and sentimental.

Eight Years Apparently.

The other day, Teresa and Leah pointed out that my blog archives are kind of... extensive... and I looked to see just how far back they went.

Eight. Eight years since I got my first horse as a newly-married college kid and started blogging for the stated reason of not driving my husband nuts. I was hoping to find some like-minded souls to connect with so I'd have someone to talk to about all things horse.

Since then, I've been through three horses:

Izzy 2009-2012

Cuna 2012-2014

Courage 2013-present

EIGHT (count 'em) barns:

1) first trainer, old barn

2) first trainer, new barn

3) first time on our own

4) second trainer, first barn

4) second trainer, first barn, second horse

5) second trainer second horse, second barn

6) sans trainer, second horse, third barn

7) second horse, final barn

6) third horse, repeat barn #6 (omg baby C!!)

8) third horse, repeat first trainer, brand new barn

I can't count the bridles that have passed through my care or the number of amazing people I've met along the way, both in real life and through the blog. There are lots of things I love about blogging and certain things that drive me crazy. I started the blog to meet new people, and that's definitely happened. Also awesome has been the opportunity to mark our progress through the years. I'm definitely not the same person who started this whole things eight years ago, but I like who I am a lot more now.

sass

Here's to friends and fun and new adventures and dear god let's stop moving barns omg.

What Are We Waiting For?

When I had Cuna and was doing unrecognized BN eventing, I remember telling a friend that I wanted really cool $300 breeches but I was going to wait until we were going recognized novice at least because I didn't want to look pretentious.

Friend, ex-marine, cancer survivor, and all around kick-ass person said "But you aren't guaranteed tomorrow."

Cuna ended up with laminitis in both front feet and we never made it to a recognized event.

I never bought $300 breeches.

I don't know that my life is poorer for the lack of overpriced sport-pants, but it's an interesting thought. Now I have Courage and eventing is definitely not in our future, but we're hacking our way through first-ish level-ish dressage-ish and starting to semi-think about second level. I'm riding in a bargain pair of field boots that make my legs look pretty ridiculous and I day dream a little bit about custom tall boots.

Which I said I'll order when I have second level bronze scores.

Why? I don't know. It's just an arbitrary line in the sand that I drew to differentiate when I'd be doing "real" dressage vs screwing around like I am now. I mean, I'm working my ass off (as much as is possible whilst not screwing up my rehab, ugh) and I have been for a couple years now.

And, yeah, if I was the "dressage or die" type, I'd be better served to sell Courage and get a horse with more natural aptitude for the sport, but I'm not. I'm doing dressage because it's what Courage wants to do and given his conformation and movement, he'll take me as far as I can go as long as I learn to manage him correctly.

So it's not that I lack commitment--it's that this is what equestrian sport is for me. It's relationship-based and daily, not big show goals and winter circuits and $$$$$$.

And I'm not guaranteed tomorrow.

or today, really

I'm super pumped to go hang out with Karen for Rolex and she's already informed me that shopping for custom boots while there is on her radar.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about it--I'm not planning any big shows with C this year for personal, non-financial reasons. And I keep wondering--why wait? I know I want them. It's not like if I'd sprung for the dream breeches back in the day that I'd regret having them now.

def would have regretted not getting this "synchronized peeing" shot

Why do I need to be doing "real dressage" to have a fun thing that would bring me joy every day? And just because I say 60% at recognized second level is "real" doesn't mean that the high and mighty dressage queens will agree with me. I'm sure there's someone who thinks custom boots before your first individual (not team) Olympic gold are pretentious.

A post shared by PS of Sweden (@psofsweden) on Mar 5, 2017 at 5:21am PST

But why does their opinion matter? They sound like an uptight bitch I wouldn't be friends with anyways.

And hello does that horse look like imaginary future Courage or what??

So tell me, people of blogland--when are beautiful custom boots a reasonable choice?

Hoofprints

Courage has been in my life for more than three years now. I blogged before about how that's the longest I've ever had a horse and he and I are definitely still sorting out our relationship. But if you've read this blog, I venture that you've picked up on the rather-dramatic quality our partnership has entailed. 

bridle shot

Just in the last six months, something has finally clicked for us. He's finally become the one my dreams are made on and the one I can't wait to see.

And now, something weird has started happening to me.

<3

I rarely dream at night and if I do, I don't remember it. The only real exception was with Cuna, the horse who had a profound and ongoing impact on my adult life. After I had to put my old man down, I had vivid nightmares for weeks about him. Horrible things. They're still in my head years later. 

But lately, things with Courage have been good. Almost magical. He and I are in this comfortable place where we know what to expect one another and we trust each other.

<3

It's not the relationship I had with Cuna because Courage isn't Cuna, but it's a new and beautiful thing. I've always said that Cuna brought Courage to me, and I've meant it on multiple levels, some cornier than others. I'm in a rough patch in life right now, but Courage is my constant. My steady eddy, as weird as that sounds. 

Whether we work or toodle or lunge or just hang out, he brings a sense of peace to my life. More days than I'm ok with, I just look at his picture on my phone and don't even make it to the barn. 

kinda like what this pic did for me years ago

Then it happened once. Then again.

The Cuna dreams are back, but in a whole different way. Each time it happens, my old man is still alive and living at my favorite barn. I see him, I ride him bareback, and things are as they always were. He's just waiting for me. 

I know it's not real, but I wake up with a strangely serendipitous feeling that everything is alright. 

That which was meant to be, is.