Spring is Actually Here (I Think?)

I didn't really mean to blog because I don't have anything more meaningful to say than "ZB is a baller and all y'all without ZBs must be pretty sad," which isn't super great content. 

However. 

Alyssa came out to play in the sunshine the other day and Roxie's mom had sent me a jump saddle to mess around with. I told Alyssa we'd set up a crossrail and go jumpies but joke's on me, apparently like 3 weeks of solid rain means there's this "mud" substance outside that's bad to jump in. 

bright sides: green grass and space boots

Regardless. It's the first time I've had action pictures of ZB in like... months... and the first time I've had outdoor pictures since... ever... so despite not doing much more than a sedate walk/trot around the outdoor arena while strategically avoiding mud, I thought y'all might want to see what it looks like when you 1) have a ZB and 2) put her in training and 3) only ride very occasionally so the training really gets to take root before you start messing her up. 

walkies!
not gonna lie, i deeply regret my saddle pad choice on this day

I just piddled around and focused on staying quiet and forward with my hands while doing prompt transitions. 

such trot!

She's a different ride than the OTTBs of my past--she's hot for a draft cross, but that still means making her more sensitized to my leg vs LEG ON like riding an actually-hot horse. She tends to run a little downhill and get low in the poll (see also: baby draft horse) so I just kinda camp my hands UP and FORWARD and then go around. 

uh yeah i'll take this

It was really fun for me to see these photos--to me, this was an average-to-blah day where neither of us put in any special effort. I just hopped on and we went around and it felt ok not great. Which is fine. That is the level of effort I was putting in that day.

can you even with how adorable we are
you cannot

I realize my expectations are different than someone who's pushing to get out and show and throw down 70s at first level in a couple weeks or something, but to me, the little lady looks fucking fantastic and omfg guys she is so much fun to ride. 

The footing wasn't good enough to canter or jump or anything so we called it and petted her smooshy nose and fed cookies and let her eat the tasty spring grass. 

Struggle Bus

I've been at odds with this whole "amateur equestrian" thing lately. It sounds dumb, but I don't understand how to relax and enjoy the process and not be competitive, if that makes any sense.

I mean, it's obviously easy in the sense of "just don't sign up for shit" and I have that part dialed.

However.

I'm a super motivated and goal-oriented person. To a fault. (Example: took up throwing frisbees last year. Now a frisbee-throwing champion with multiple trophies to prove it.) I recognize that this is a character weakness as much as a strength. I mean, again, here I have this amazing horse and sure I didn't have the energy to do anything about that for a while, but I kind of do now.

yes a color-coordinated purple bag and yes the frisbees sparkle, haha

It's just that every time I tried to ride her, I struggle-bused real hard. Riding is hard. Dressage is hard. Practice is critical. Lessons are expensive. I'm too focused on perfection and too aware of my own deep-seated flaws to really enjoy half-assing it on that level. It's not fun for me to do badly, know I'm doing badly, and then continue to do badly.

toodling is pretty ok

Deep breath. This is not an anxiety spiral.

The other day, I dug a jump saddle out of my garage, put together the one brown bridle I own that I can sort-of coax on to ZB's head, and then trooped out to the barn.

does the mare need open fronts? obv
am i going to shop for them at not-rolex this month? OBV

I set up a bitty little trot pole and made myself do goofy jumper-lesson patterns around the ring. Pick up a contact. Trot at the corner. Halt at A. Trot off. Straight line over the pole. Walk at the letter. Halt. Walk off. Just whatever, keep things organized.

It was actually really funny. As we both settled into the exercise (and I committed to keeping my hands UP and FORWARD like a JUMPER and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOT FUSSING AT HER) (god I teach good lessons to myself in my head), ZB relaxed into the contact and gave me some really quality work.

For the first time in a long time, I got off from a ride with a saddle and felt... successful? Motivated, even. I want to do it again and do it better and I actually feel like it was productive for both of us.

awww look what a cute beebee is growing up

Naturally, I prompted celebrated this success by ordering a browband.

Stay tuned, I guess.

State of the ZB

This was hands down the easiest equine-related winter for me since I started riding horses.

Here's why:

I didn't.

It was dark. It was cold. I did the math on taking risks driving over snow and ice in my (only) car and risking my (only) body for a hobby when y'know, bills never take a day off (and neither does my job) and it freaked me out.  For the first time in my life, I took a deep breath and said, "horses will still be there in the spring".

plus going in circles is TEH DUMZ

It's not that my beloved ZB was neglected--she's at a lovely full care farm with group turnout and is in training with my most favoritest young horse trainer two days a week. I dropped off board checks and grain and smooshed her smooshy nose and gave her (sugar-free) cookies and (fully-leaded) sugar cubes.

SMOOSH

I didn't clip. I didn't blanket. I'm growing her mane out because YOLO. I've ridden less than 10 times in the last 4 months. My tack is dirty. My trunk is a mess. I haven't bought a bit or a bridle or really anything horse related in the longest time I can remember since I've been an adult.

SO MUCH HAIR

Now it's trying hard to be spring and my head is in a much better place.

Sunny afternoons and green grass poking through the mud just start speaking to me in a way icy roads and dark indoors never do.

so cute

And see.

ZB is still the best horse I've ever had in my life.

look i took one lesson

And I wasn't kidding when I said she changed all my expectations for myself.

why yes my first ride in two weeks was bareback down the ditchbank on my baby mare

And more than that, all my expectations for the people around me.

is that the boy riding the zb bareback?
yes that's the boy riding zb bareback

We're still here.

Life is doing some unpredictable things right now (doesn't it always?). I have a Plan A and a Plan B and a Plan C and a couple ideas for variations on any of those at any given time. None of those plans is rated shows and pressure and "back to the grind" in terms of horse expenses.

Here's to a year like none other.

2018 Year in Review (aka An Ode to ZB)

There are certain moments that reverberate through the very foundations of your life and break down everything you ever thought you knew.

They are rarely the moments you expect.

Mine was on the back of a Roxiecorn, riding through breathtaking mountains, talking to the sort of friend who isn't afraid to call me on my shit.

I told her about how I consistently choose the same thing in relationships--petulant assholes who treat me badly.

She laughed.

She said, "your picker's broken!"

It was a silly moment in a fun weekend.

I went home.

I let go of the long term relationship I had with a horse that was a bad match for me. I watched both of us blossom as that same friend moved heaven and earth to get me this little black mare.

ermegerd tiny zb!

I learned what it was like to be with a creature that adores me. She's a fucking Disney horse--she canters up to me in the pasture. She whinnies at me every day I come to the barn. She's honest and she's smart and she's kind and she's the best horse I've ever been around, bar none.

<3

Maybe non-horse people won't understand this, but I figure you folks will. There was something so foundational to me about having a relationship like this. Learning that not only was this kind of a connection a thing, but that it could be expected. That I didn't have to take everyone's shit and that I could raise my expectations and get what I needed out of life.

It sort of spiraled from there. 

a much better place

I raised my expectations. 

Drew some hard lines.

Advocated for myself for the first time in my life. 

I lost friends. 

Family. 

My marriage. 

People who were supposed to matter to me walked away. 

baby mare <3

Through it all, there was this larger-than-life baby mare who still whinnied at me every time I came to the barn. 

and yeah everyone should get divorce photos. 10/10 recommend.

My life doesn't look much like it used it--I'm on a single income making things work. I can't fathom going to a horse show or paying $$$ for clinics. About every other month, I do a lot of math and wonder why I need to have a giant eating pooping liability cost me money every day. 

I ride a couple times a week, generally bareback, in the dark, by myself. I don't care about the most perfect movement or moving up the levels or having the best, newest, and coolest things. 

There are things that matter so much more to me.

<3

I've learned so much from the horses in my life--Izzy taught me to be afraid, Cuna taught me to love, Courage still has the most stupidly meaningful name on the planet, and Zoe? 

<3

This little lady gave me more than all the others together.

My life is profoundly different because of who she is. 

and the people who stayed 

This isn't a return to blogging or riding, really. The way horses fit in my life right now is different than it's ever been.

Zoe is my safe space. 

My friend. 

My freedom. 

My anchor.

I have other competitive outlets right now. There's a part of me that resents even the idea of putting pressure or expectations on the creature that changed my world in such an enormous way.

She's so much more to me than scores or accomplishments or adventures. I don't need some judge at a horse show to tell me where I'm inadequate or how I don't measure up to their standards.

I really don't care.

the loveliest lady

I love the little moments. 

 The quiet times.

The moments she carried me though. 

Hello from the Other Side

It's been a hell of a year.

I've been places I never thought I would be.

I'm surrounded by the people I least expected. 

It's not what I thought I wanted.

But now that I'm here, I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

Say Not Farewell

Hello world.

It's been a while.

It's going to be a while longer.

I'm in a funny place in life right now. I've spent so many years trying and learning and growing through horses. Finding myself and hearing my voice.

And now that I have the best horse I've ever had, I'm using the voice I developed with horses in the rest of my world.

i see fire

For the present, Zoebird is my neutral. My buddy for midnight trail rides and moonlit toodles. I scratch her itchy spots and let her essence soak through me.

I have a post kicking around in my head that needs to be written. There are so many adventures yet to be had and stories to be told.

I'll be back to tell them when things quiet down a bit.

I Tack Ho'ed So Hard

I know, I know. Every time I say that, you think I can't top the last time I said that.

Well.

I can.

I don't even know why you doubt me anymore.

shame on your doubts

Soooooo this story starts back in January when I visited my sister and we skipped through a tack store whilst tossing dollar bills into the air willy nilly (metaphorically).

One thing I saw that many of you were like OMFG HOW DID YOU NOT BUY THAT was this:

make sexy eyes at otto!

I mean. Yeah. It's lovely. But also like a billion dollars and OH YEAH perhaps you remember how ZB fits in approximately off-the-rack NOTHING.

Plus I happen to know that the thing with Otto is that you can order custom but you have to go through a dealer and there isn't one close to me. Also one thing about me is that I have the attention span of a caffeinated gnat, so custom ordering is not in my wheelhouse. I'm an instant gratification girl.

But then you all probably know Stephanie (say with me: THAT BITCH!) who I legit hung out with at Rolex last year and one day on facebook she started this out-of-control thread about ugly custom bridles which somehow segued into her casually dropping the fact that she works for an Otto dealer.

HOLD THE PHONE.

I did what any responsible tack ho would and casually filed that information away for later.

every day is a good day for rolex pictures

lol jk this is me

I immediately messaged her every detail of what I wanted and asked what it would cost.

She for some reason didn't think I was a tire kicker and got back to me all polite and professional and told me the cost.

We'll leave it vague, but let's just agree that it was enough that as a seasoned tack ho who's used to paying for quality, I most definitely threw up in my mouth and was like NOPE HARD PASS LOL WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING THAT TOGETHER.

Buuuuuut

Once you know

And you've had some time to get used to it

And then you think about your life without it

I mean.

The mare legit doesn't fit in off the rack sizes, which means 1) finding things for her is impossible and 2) impulse buying strap goods is dead. Also she's the nicest horse I've ever had, so doesn't she deserve the nicest bridle?

And you know. I'm not showing this year, so what better time to buy a ridiculous bridle than now when I'm not paying entries and memberships?

logic. we has it. 

I messaged Stephanie something mature like YOLO (after several weeks, I'll have you know).

Then the wait began.

I was super patient for like the first 38 seconds.

Then it was pure torture.

I think Roxie's (and Halo's!!) mom got so tired of listening to me that she sent me a link to a purple padded FSS bridle for pennies on the dollar on eBay, which I most definitely bought to kill time.

again with the photo edits

I waited. I waited more. THERE WAS SO MUCH WAITING.

THEN ONE DAY

DROP IT LIKE ITS HOT

THE WAITING WAS OVER

I MEAN NO DEFINITELY DONT DROP IT

BRIDLE PARTAY

Except it also wasn't over.

DO YOU SEE IT

SOBBING

I was hoping to hold off on writing this for a while and be like "everything is awesome!" but it's been a week+ and despite repeated attempts to reach out to Otto, I don't have a firm plan or a ship date for the correct browband and it's leaving a sour taste in my mouth for sure.

I mean. I may be small potatoes to Otto himself, but I didn't pay $$$ for a custom to bridle to get *almost* what I wanted.

mmmm classy

Bright side: I managed to finagle my topline leather browband on and it does look fabulous. And I'm obsessed with the bridle. And it's exactly what I wanted (other than the browband). And it looks fabulous on ZB.

taking a bridle picture
wtf is zb doing

hi zb

yeah now it's not a bridle pic

So anyways. It's in progress and after waiting as long as I did, I am not thrilled to be waiting longer.

Otoh, the bridle is gorgeous and I do not regret a cent.

#goshopping