Bootcamp Begins!

I'm naturally a very driven person who tends to be a little high strung. Which, whatever. That sort of personality is why I can have a horse as an adult--self aware enough to work on my own, motivated enough to make it happen when things are hard.

and i use dik dik pics as emojis

I aspire to be honest in this space, so without saying anything negative about past four legs, let's just agree that the level of explosiveness I have dealt with in the winter especially took it's toll on me.

In a twist I hadn't thought about, I really don't ride in the indoor arena at all except in the winter after work, when I am usually alone. And the weather is bad.

Which means I'm addressing demons I'd completely forgotten about.

With a four year old.

Who has limited buttons.

sometimes you gotta gallop for SEVERAL STRIDES

That has made the past couple of weeks interesting in that WOW I did not realize how far behind the curve I am mentally.

I think the whole thing shows up in an even more ridiculous light because of how completely and utterly non-plussed Zoe is by all of it. Like. I mean. The indoor arena footing got redone. There are now dressage letters on the wall and (gasp!) a black mark where a tractor tire grazed the wall. Most other horses in work are apparently losing their shit over the offending mark.

it's over there somewhere

And has ZS Zoebird so much as batted an eye?

No.

She has not.

oh look a mildly interesting tarp billowing in gusting wind
whatevsies

What's more, I'd say she's been foot-perfect indoors, but that would be leaving out just how incredible the little lady is. Not only have her feet been perfect, but she's totally willing and on-task and just... wonderful.

I mean, I gush over her, but that's because she's pretty freaking amazing.

also totes adorbs

Anyways.

I certainly have my issues to sort through and I will, but they're the sort of thing that take time and patience and repetition, which again, is fine. It's just not the best for advancing Zoe's training, because she already understands how to toodle around on a long rein while mom remembers how to breathe.

meme via Courage Has Opinions

I was planning to stick Zoe in pro training starting next month, but our trainer had room in her schedule to start this month. It's turning out to be a great arrangement--Zoe gets competent, focused rides twice a week by my trainer. I ride on the weekends and as I have time during the week. If my brain needs to toodle or do groundwork or whatever, it's fine because I know the training is still happening.

And the less pressure is on me, the more I'm able to pull it together and actually have a good time. I'm learning that when I ask Zoe to go, she puts her little head down and just motors and you know what?

closest thing i have to riding media right now haha

It's pretty damn fun.

Baby Steps

I don't resent the time I invested in Courage. I learned so much from him that I can cross-apply to Zoë. SB-before-Courage would have said "you WILL stand in the wash rack", picked a fight, and made an issue out of a non-issue.

SB-after-Courage says "eh, we'll get there. I'm in no hurry."

Because as much as Zoëbird is a 180 from Courage in every possible way, she's also a living being. She's not a machine that mindlessly conforms.

plus she's wicked cute

So yeah, I could pick a fight with her about how the wash rack is NOT SCARY and SHE WILL MIND and DAMMIT YOU WILL GET THE HOSE AGAIN.

But I don't.

A post shared by Aimee Towell (@sprinklerbandits) on Jul 21, 2017 at 8:08am PDT

Because Zoë is a kind, sweet, smart creature and if I just take my time and show her that the hose is fun and the wash rack is safe, and hey! We eat cookies when we stand here! Pretty soon, the wash rack is going to be a non-issue and I will have built her trust in me instead of tearing it down.

I learned that attitude from Courage and it's infiltrated every part of my thinking about training horses. That's why even though I know Zoëbird has some quality training behind her, we started slow. I added one or two things at a time. I treated each item (saddle pads, boots, etc) like she'd never seen it before and let her understand each piece at her own speed.

And conversely, she's been pretty patient with me. We had our first session with my trainer yesterday. My trainer ground drove her (hint: they did great) and then she had me do it. Zoë is actually trained to drive and has pulled a cart even. SB, on the other hand, has never driven anything without wheels (hint: skill really doesn't cross apply).

We went slow and I made a lot of mistakes, but Zoë was Zoë and it was a positive experience for everyone.

I'm having so much fun with Ms. Zoëbird. She is absolutely the kind of horse I need right now.

And because of Courage, I can be the kind of person she needs too.

PS: last night, we stood in the wash rack eating cookies and I sprayed off her front legs with the lead line completely slack.

Now Far Ahead the Road Has Gone

What to say about the little bay horse that walked into my life four years ago and rocked it to it's very foundation? 

Absolute Courage, they called him.

And that is what he's been to me. My rock when I lost Cuna. My reason for standing up for myself. My impetus to try and change and grow and learn.

Courage for the big moments, but Courage every day. Courage to see the abuse I was taking and Courage to walk away with my head held high. Courage to find my voice and Courage to see the future.

Courage a million times over.

He's difficult. He's temperamental.  He's sensitive. He's emotional. He's honest. He's brave.

He took me on an unforgettable adventure.

He's made me the best version of myself.

And now, he's going to be Courage to someone else.

Farewell, my friend.

Trouble in Paradise

Lest you think I've reached this new, happy zen status and everything is peachy, well, it's not. 

Last week, I had a lesson. In true Alyssa fashion, Alyssa took gorgeous pictures of it and you'd never guess that any attempt to turn right had us flailing sideways into the fence. That was not awesome. Then I showed up on Thursday (admittedly in the middle of a giant storm) and C-rage wouldn't let him touch him in his stall.

Because wild mustang.

pictured: not Thursday

I snapped. I'm not proud of it, but there is only so much a person can take and I've been hanging out dangerously close to that line lately. 

And by "snapped", I mean I texted a few friends that I was selling his stupid bay ass. And had a full-on meltdown at the barn. And my barn friends were like "whoa um here try riding some other horses". 

i steal her

So I did, over the next few days. The lovely painty mare in the picture above is freaking perfect. Tries so hard. Super well trained. Admittedly, her owner has put years and years into getting her that way and has the patience of an absolute saint.

And then another friend let me play with an OTTB she has for sale. He's a cute mover and a nice horse and a little needy and unsure of new people and yeah, I realized all my years with C have done a lot to make him the way he is (easy on the ground) and that yeah, the asshole thing is where it's at for me (dammit). 

oh and this one year progress hot kinda blew my mind

One thing that has been very upsetting for me is realizing that showing Courage doesn't even sound fun to me right now. But showing last year was pretty traumatic and abruptly cut short and never resolved and now I'm not in a good place physically, so yeah. A show would be overwhelming. 

But you know what's not overwhelming? 

A field trip to a friend's house.

So we did that. And you know what? Courage was great. I felt like steamed poo so I didn't ride, but I could have. Courage was brave and uncomplicated and yeah, he was a little up, but he settled and put in some quality work on the lunge and then he just hung out and looked around calmly while our friend rode. 

He wasn't obnoxious or insecure or annoying. He got on and off the trailer with no fuss. He stood tied like a champion.

And really. If I'm thinking clearly, I know that Courage's big tell for pain is that he quits turning right. And I know that he really does best with monthly body work and I know that I've kinda skimped on that lately because I don't think he's working that hard, but since it's his body, I guess he gets to make that call. 

consider it made

His body work is scheduled. I'm not riding him, not even to loose-rein-toodle, until after that. I'm actively pursuing other horses to ride. I need some time to breathe and I need to not be a jerk to my horse, especially since I'm the one who got him in to this situation. It is my responsibility to make it right. 

After all, it takes a special horse to rock the hell out of this browband. And that matters to me.

Progress and the Mental Game

Do you know what separates me from Charlotte Dujardan (aside from iron self-discipline and a shit ton of talent)?

Courage knows

Hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours

OF PRACTICE.

Let's back up. I talked a barnmate into videoing part of my ride yesterday. Then I watched the video and proceeded to berate myself for not riding like a world champion Grand Prix dressuer. Here, I'll even be brave and share the video:


All I could think while I watched the video was how I didn't look like the rider I'm totally not (Charlotte). I look like a jumper learning to dressage on a distracted and sensitive horse, which is exactly what we are.

I can be mad about that. I can tear myself apart and get all up inside my head about how terrible I am. I can rip my mental game to shreds, eliminate any traces of confidence, and hate myself for not being what I can't possibly be.

OR

I can celebrate the fact that after a week stuck in the indoor, I rode my horse outside without lunging him. We had changes of bend and direction at the trot without flailing. We worked through him being distracted by outside influences and we even cantered without theatrics. I had to ride a little defensively, but we got through it, and next time will be better.

Let's be real: there are always going to be things I can do better. That's the essence of being human. I'm not perfect and I'm not going to be. I can be mad about that or I can embrace it.

If you're an adult ammy with a horse, I know you're a highly motivated, goal-oriented individual. I know that because no one pays your bills for you, no one drives you to the barn, and no one is making you do this. What the hell. It might as well be fun, right? There's no advantage to self-loathing and we all need a little more positive brain space.

The person who suffers most from a negative mental attitude is you and the person who benefits most from a positive mental attitude is you. At the end of the day, we get to ride ponies and pet velvety noses and live the dream we all had as little kids, one way or another.

We can celebrate the progress we make without ignoring the progress that we need to make still. I'm definitely still going to hack away at my position and my ride, but I'm not going to be ashamed of how I rode on this day.

I challenge you guys to the same thing I challenged Lindsey and Alyssa: any time you say something negative about your ride, find something positive to pair with it and find someone to keep you accountable to that. Let's give up on useless self-doubt and remember to enjoy the good things about this crazy hobby of ours.

Trust, Confidence, and Courage

Part of our not-so-subtle transition from "I swear we'll jump something someday" to just straight dressage queens was prompted by a dressage clinic in which the instructor kept asking me if Courage was jumping a lot. He wasn't and I told her that. But. When I asked for clarification, she said that until he really learned to draw his hocks under him as a default instead of going inverted, jumping was just going to exacerbate the problems we were dealing with. 

That makes sense to me--I'm working to counteract the effect of six years of racing on a naturally tight horse. Whenever he feels pressure, he defaults to the rigid, inverted frame he used to run away with people, which creates body soreness and a vicious cycle of tension.

So we totally stopped jumping. We were going in to winter anyways and I hate setting jumps inside. A few months back, I tried lunging him over poles and it was a total train wreck. He's never been the best at them (championship aside) and he was spinning and spooking and leaping and running inverted and all kinds of things that weren't helpful.

But the other day, he was acting wild while we tacked up (ugh means leaping day) so I figured I might as well give him something to leap over and see how it went. Best case scenario, he'd look slightly less crazy because he was leaping things that actually existed. Worst case, well, that would involve getting fried and prancy and bad things and let's not think about it, but I'm getting more confident in my ability to read him. If it went poorly, I could just pull the poles out and pretend they never existed.

An interesting thing happened:

Right?

I mean, these are all obviously varying degrees of fails and trust me when I say he was wild enough that I had to hold on to the line with both hands for the worst of the fails or you'd have video and they'd be even funnier.

But.

He's not just leaping and flailing and checking out. He's staying engaged with me and trying different ways of going over the poles.

That makes me excited.

It's not even really about the pole. It's about his willingness to trust me and try new things, especially things that have historically been very hard for him. Mentally and physically leaving is his default and after almost a year and a half of solid work, we have we made strides in changing that.

so attractive

This is a new chapter for us.

PS there are a few more days to submit your entry to our fail contest!!

Teach Me Tuesday: Irrational Fears

Due to riding in the miserable cold lately, I've been making excellent use of my fantastic quarter sheet. I put it on the same way every time, which got me wondering. There are two ways to use a quarter sheet. I ALWAYS put it under the saddle (the second pic was taken FOR this post and I DID NOT ride with it like that.)

this=good

this=scary

I have this bizarre quarter sheet phobia that if I put it over my legs, somehow it will transition from "harmless" to "DEATH CAPE" and I don't know, Courage will take off with me and the cape will get tangled up on... something.. and wanton death and destruction will ensue.

Even though I rationally know the horse wears a blanket all day, plays in the field with it, and has no problems. And he's NEVER adversely reacted to a quarter sheet. And I would be warmer with it over my legs. I can't explain it. The concept just terrifies me for LITERALLY NO REASON.

So uh. Who else has a totally irrational horse-y fear? I can't be the only one, right?

CHAMPIONS (like, for real)

best banquet EVAR

Brace yourselves for a picture overload! Saturday was our local dressage/eventing GMO banquet. They released all the dressage/eventing award winner names in advance, but the derby competitors (me) were kept secret.

Naturally, I've spend the past month obsessing about whether my scores would get reported correctly and if my membership was in good standing and basically anything I could think of that could go wrong. It was pretty nerve-wracking.

ribbon at rest

But then, they called my name at the banquet and I was probably the most excited person there when I ran (literally) up to get my giant ribbon. And maybe squealed.

You guys.

This thing is HUGE. It is literally the biggest ribbon I have ever seen, and it's MINE. :-D

It was a really fun night for a lot of reasons (guess who also won TWO LESSONS in the raffle?! I never win stuff!!). It was really awesome to have my horsie besties and the trainers who have made a huge impact in my life be there for it.

YARDS OF SATIN

Our GMO is really a fun group of people and I'm excited about their plans for next year. League shows? More ribbons? Sign me up!

Honestly? The sheer glory of my enormous champion ribbon (of ground poles) is making me seriously consider a run at crossrails next year. I'd have to be really good at budgets for that to work though. Don't hold your breath.

Anyways.

Because I am a proper grown up, I scooted out to the barn on Sunday, ribbon in tow, to show my barn buddies and take some pictures.

I'm shameless. What can I say?

i love this

Here's the thing: it has always been a bucket-list level item for me to win a year and award. This year was a unique opportunity in terms of shows available, horse ready to go, and money available to show. I've never been able to be consistently "good" at something before, and since our goals for next year very likely involve a lot less satin and a lot more competing against fancy horses and solid riders, well, I'm going with it.

I know it's only ground poles and intro b. But you know what? I'm a working adult ammy with one horse. I am coming back from an XC wreck that completely ruined my confidence. I'm riding an older horse off the track that I made myself.

champion. yes.

Yeah, I may not be a Rolex contender or a national competitor and hell, I don't even have plans to do any real eventing, but you know what?

This was my Olympics. My thing. My competition and goals for the year.

AND MY RIBBON IS SO HUGE.

I am a total satin ho. Love it. Can't get enough.

the biggest ribbon

This ribbon is legitimately big enough that I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I mean, every ribbon Courage has ever won is hanging over my kitchen window AND THIS RIBBON PRACTICALLY HANGS INTO THE SINK.

It's glorious.

You doubt? Not to worry. It may have been fricking cold and gusting 30mph+ on Sunday, but I hustled Courage into the indoor and took SO MANY PICTURES.

What goes with a sparkle saddle? EVERYTHING

Why yes you do need perfect wraps to take ribbon pictures

ribbon clear down to his knees

ok this might be excessive, but his neck looks good

we are equally thrilled

Pardon my excitement--this is my first time with a tri-color ribbon ever. It's everything I ever wanted it to be--a tangible reminder of all the blood, sweat, tears, and luck that go into making a successful partnership.

A reason that all those hard days, crappy rides, long hours, personal struggles, and tedious times are worth working through.

I don't ride for the ribbons, because so much of horsemanship is developing character through rotten luck, crappy circumstances, and things going wrong. If I set my self worth on satin earned, I would have had to quit a long time ago.

But when I do get a satin forget-me-not, it makes the journey that much sweeter.

Not Confident, Not Proud

Well, we did it--Courage and I finished 3 of 4 in the locally offered derby series. We won twice and were second once, which means I should be a lock for the big goal: my first ever chance at a year-end award.

That is all very exciting.

Or at least, it should be.

it's what we can do

I mean, it's huge for me. I have a massive xc phobia, to the point that I almost didn't even complete the first derby because I was so out of it. After a full season of trotting my talented-but-difficult horse over poles in a field, I'm not sure that moving up (to cross rails!) is such a good idea for us. I certainly rode better at the end of the year, but it was never what I'd call fun.

not me riding

Not ever.

This whole thing is hard for me and that's just what it's going to be. We can (and will) be dressage and show jumping competitors and be quite happy. We don't ever have to do XC for real.

But here's the rub: we all know that pride has no place on a horse's back--they humble us so fast that it would be funny if it wasn't excruciating.

just keep riding

But when I'm off the horse?




I know I'm proud of us. I know that what I did last Sunday was HUGE for my confidence. I know I improved over the year and what I did Sunday was NOT something I could do in June.

But.

It's ground poles. It's a glorified trail ride. If it literally was your first time on a horse, you could probably do it. (Well, probably not on my horse, but a horse.) Go SprinklerBandit! You're the best at something a lesson student who's never ridden before can do just fine.

I was all excited for my first-ever award for being consistently not-horrible at something, and now I'm contemplating not even showing up to get it. Like. "Hi everyone. I'm scared of xc and did it anyways, except over tiny poles."

high option even with sharks

I'm surround by talented people on horses that IMHO are no nicer than mine. I SHOULD be better than this. I feel like I should be farther along, braver, something. I should be the one who can just kick around a stiff course on my oh-so-talented horse.

But I'm not. I'm right here.

And it's not easy to admit that in public sometimes.