Horses are my Therapy, A Follow Up

Lauren is a fantastic human and blogger who wrote the Plaid Horse post, "Horses Can't Be Our Only Therapy". It's good. You should read it.

a world in contrast

I wanted to append her thoughts just a little bit because they're a topic that strikes very close to home for me. 

I loathe the "horses are my therapy" sentiment. 

Loathe. 

beyond side eye

Horses are amazing. Many things to many people. I've invested years of my life into them and I will 100% tell you they (and the people I met through them) shaped me into the person I am today and I will forever be grateful for that. 

reflection

However. 

I'm going to be very personal for a minute and tell you I was raised in a shitty environment where there were a lot of unhealthy expectations and that I was never allowed to think for myself or have an emotion or respond to anything and as a very young human, I learned to choke everything down. By the time I turned 18, I literally didn't have emotional responses to anything. Ever. If that sounds weird AF, it fucking is. 

smoosh weird

You know why I kept that fucking hellmare for so long?

Because I literally didn't know how to feel fear. Couldn't process it. Didn't have a space in my head for it. 

It took three deeply unhealthy years of me trying everything and doing everything and being unable to process a goddamn basic concept like fear before I was able to be like "ho shit the reason my stomach feels weird every time I go to get on this animal is an emotion called FEAR and that is a normal and rational response to being wildly overhorsed and hey, it's an important red flag that your brain is trying to keep you from actually dying". 

hellmare glory

If that sounds weird AF, it fucking is. 

And if you think it might have been smarter/safer/cheaper to address all that in the confines of a therapist's office, you're probably right. If you think it was unfair to drag a horse along with me through that particular puddle of shit, you're also right.

when does this story get a zb?

I'd like to say the story has a happy ending there, right? I learned that fear is a thing and that life is better without fear and that fear means you might actually die and you should pay attention when you feel fear. And then I met Cuna. And everything was great.

From him, I learned another super-elementary concept: love. For the first time in my life, there was someone I couldn't wait to see. Wanted to be with all the time. This connection that no one else got but it was just the two of us against the world and I never cared that he was this goofy old red horse and he never cared that I was this weirdly damaged oddball who desperately tried to look normal. 

<3

As you all know, the next step after that was learning to lose him. 

And then Courage, with every cheesy implication you can think of. I think the most important thing I learned from him was that no matter how far down I thought I'd stuffed my emotions and how hidden every response was, I still had to acknowledge them. They still mattered. 

it was a complicated relationship

I still fucking mattered. 

It didn't matter one iota if no other human on the face of the planet knew I was a fucking wreck who was going through hell. 

He knew. 

He called me on it. 

It was zero fun. Do not recommend.

If that sounds weird AF, it fucking is.  

and yet we still looked magical

Because see. I vividly remember showing up to ride because y'know horses are therapy or whatever bullshit. The moment I stepped out of the car, he knew what was up. 

I literally couldn't catch him in his stall. 

IN HIS STALL. 

Standing there. Crying. Because the one thing that was supposed to be "my therapy", the "fun thing" in my life, was no fun at all. 

I learned a lot. I learned that I have emotions. That those emotions matter. That sensitive creatures can call us out on those emotions even when humans can't or won't or don't care.

But you know what else I learned?

a better way

Horses have emotions too. They respond to us on a very innate level. It is completely and totally unfair to them to show up and dump our stress and our shit and our negativity into their otherwise placid lives and then blame them for their responses. We are responsible for their well-being, not the other way around. 

If I can't meet my horse in a calm, understanding frame of mind and be in that moment with them, I need to not be there. 

<3

I cringe when I watch people take their shit out on their horses and their dogs and their kids. It bothers me on a very visceral level when I hear people assign intention to an action by an animal. The horse isn't being a jerk. He doesn't care one way or another about your right leg or your left rein or the jump in front of him or whatever stupid bullshit you're blaming him for. 

All the horse is doing is responding to what you don't even know you brought with you. 

this

Some are like Zoe and they're golden through and through and will tolerate a lot more. Some are like Courage and won't. 

It doesn't matter though. 

It's still our responsibility to be better than that. 

We owe it to them. 

baby mare

I spend less time with Zoe on a weekly basis than any other horse I've had. 

Every time I'm with her, I am able to breathe in and breathe out and be part of that moment. 

Not dragging my shit behind me.

Not blaming her for what I brought with me. 

Not taking out on her things she has nothing to do with. 

sunshine and grass

And you know what? 

We're stronger for it. Time spent together, no matter what we're doing, is positive for both of us. 

also bareback dressage

hellomylivia hop: What I Didn't Know I Didn't Know

Olivia started this with one of the coolest blog posts I've read in a while and then Liz pitched in and now I want to give it a go. Here's what I would tell myself as a brand new adult amateur horse owner who just got handed the lead rope to the hellmare and all the things that followed:

aw look how i'm not on her

1) You have no idea what you're getting in to.

I rode as a kid, on lesson horses and half leases here and there. I worked hard and cleaned stalls and did 4H and never had the newest, nicest, or best, but I read everything I could get my hands on, spent every moment I could get at the barn, rode anything anyone would let me, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

best old man horse

2) You have no idea how much you need this.

Horses and horse people have been a driving force for good in my life on so many levels. The people I've met and connections I've made have shaped the life I lead today in more ways than I can count. No matter what was going on in the rest of my life, I was always surrounded by passionate, intelligent, driven women who became role models to me whether they knew it or not.

possibly our best jump lesson ever

3) Even your lowest moments will shape you in positive ways.

When I had my wreck on the hellmare and was too afraid to keep trying but too stupid to quit, I found a community of people to ask hard questions and help me find perspective. When I lost Cuna, I was surrounded by once in a lifetime friends who carried me through dark times I couldn't handle alone. When I had to let go of Courage, I was again among incredible people who helped both of us find a resolution.

and this is how you jump a bank with 3 broken bones
which is apparently a thing i can do

4) The horses are pretty great too.

Every one of them has something to show me and learning to listen and communicate, shape behavior and respond, has been transformative in my life. To me, it's not about the shows and the ribbons and the outfits. Learning to connect and trust another living being is a truly amazing experience and to me it makes the blood, sweat, tears, and dollars all worth it so many times over.

I love how horses can continue to evolve with us. My goals and approach now are completely different than they used to be. I'm more relaxed and more focused. I never expected to be where I am today, but now that I'm here, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Here's to the horses that made it possible.

Bodies in Space

Ms. Zoebird is a baby mare and her middle name is not grace.

middle name might be "Effort" tho

And yeah, I want her to be my all-around horse, which means I want to jump her eventually.

At four (and a young four at that), I do not want her to jump high or often. It's too much stress for developing joints. Plus, she's butt high right now and as anyone who went through a growth spurt ever can attest (that's all of you except Leah?), changing bodies are murder on balance and body awareness.

that wither lift tho

I talk about this ad nauseum in person too--essentially, I'm completely changing up the little mare's routine and asking her to using her "carrying and pushing" muscles. If you've ever been a fatass (me) and then tried to get in shape (also me), you'll know that  building muscle is f@&%*** painful and takes a long ass time.

So not only is she in an awkward growth spurt, but the potential to make her sore with repetitive exercises she's not fit for (riding) is very high.

That's why we mix it up. This week, I had a fantastic ride with our BEST TROT WORK EVER.

baby mare very tired now

But see, after a hard riding day with lots of new material, it's time to do something else and let her "carrying" muscles have a break.

Here are some facts about Zoe:

1) she thinks jumping is FUN

1) she needs a little help with understanding where her body is in space sometimes

1) she needs a groundwork tune up maybe once a week to make sure she's tuned up

Did anyone else just hear "CAVALETTI DAY"? Cuz I did. 

If you're keeping track, yes I did just totally justify spending a day goofing off with my baby mare as a training day.

I know I say this every day and most of you probably want to punch me in my stupidly happy face, but this little lady is just so much fun. She shows up every day, she tries her hardest, and I can literally watch her learn. I'm definitely laughing at past-SB for thinking she needed a horse with more talent or whatever. Current-SB enjoys going to the barn every single day and P.S. is making a ton more progress than ever before.

PS saying PS reminded me that PS is making custom sized bridles now. Anyone with a money tree want to cough up $ so Zoe can have one? Possibly Zoe's mother has to quit buying shit for a while. 

Life in the Death Haze

I'm lucky I don't live in the parts of the US that are being wrecked by hurricanes, however, I do live in the part that's drowning in smoke from burning something in excess of a million acres this fire season alone. It's basically like living inside a chain smoker's lungs.

don't you seen the downtown skyline? the mountains? i swear they're over there

Like.

The sun doesn't rise.

The smoke just gets a lil brighter.

And since neither I nor Zoe wants to die of emphysema, we've been exploring things to do that don't involve increased respiration.

so round!!

Toodling is always on the agenda. Bareback toodling, even. I can say we're being productive and working on my balance and staying in the middle while building trust and developing Zoe's walk/halt/walk transitions.

Or I can be real and say while those things may apply, I'm loving every minute of having a cool baby mare that I can just pop on bareback with no prep and toodle with.

she's getting a bridle a month at this rate. 

And this is me we're talking about, so naturally there was some very-appropriate tack shopping.

(Me: I need to spend less money.
Me: I will not buy a specialty saddle for a baby horse.
Also me: HEY THATS A GREAT DEAL)

I'll do a better write-up when things arrive. Promise. The stress shopping has been a bit... intense?

Cough.

And.

My smoke will go on, or what have you.

Which is why we took another day to keep it low key and play in the previously spooky indoor arena.


Question: what do smooshy noses not go on?

Training the Not-Hot Horse: Part the First

I've been contemplating writing a draft cross vs. ottb sort of comparison (because trust me, ITS WAY DIFFERENT), but the truth is that I haven't had Zoe two months yet and there is so much more for me to learn that I have no business saying too much. Yet.

thx google photos!

I think one of my favorite (and least favorite, haha) things about Courage was how hard he pushed me to learn and do better both by him and in my own life. It was a challenge, but I definitely think I'm a better horseman and human because of him.

The whole point of Zoe is that she's NOT LIKE THAT and I can just go DO THE THING.

But Ms. ZoZo Bird is still a horse.

my talking face ruins another great photo

And when Roxie's mom came out to play last week, I showed her what we were working on. We talked about where Zoe was at and what I was doing and why and what she's done with her drafties and why it worked.

That got me thinking.

Zoe is a lot of things, but none of those things is a thoroughbred with track baggage. Which like. Is the entire freaking point.

yeah never had a thoroughbred do that. twice. in a month.

But then why am I riding her like she is?

I mean, the "horse" thing transfers a lot--we take baby steps and build from the bottom up and do ground work and go slow. But there are differences. For example, I just spent four years riding a horse that LOST HIS SHIT if I ever sat down on him. So I just didn't. I'd do a happy lil jumper perch and go around off his back and everyone was happy.

But you know who motorcycles around COMPLETELY OUT OF BALANCE if I get way ahead of the motion like that?

pictured: not out of balance

Oh yeah a Zoebird lady. She actually prefers I sit down and give her half a chance to get her balance. In spite of being a big girl (15.2 and 1200lbs per the weight tape), she's soooooo sensitive to what I do in the saddle.

She's quieter than Courage, that's for sure. But quieter doesn't mean passive. Quieter just means I have to listen better and think differently.

And if I ride her the way she tells me she needs me to, the little lady tries her hardest.

And that, folks, is the coolest damn thing.

Total Eclipse of the Zoebird

Zoe's barn is at 99.6% totality for yesterday's eclipse. My plans to go north to 100% fell through, so I was at the barn watching with my best girl instead.

I know animals are smarter than people about not staring at the sun but I couldn't be too careful with Ms. ZB.

GLASSEZ R 2 SMAL

WUT R THAT

MUCH BETTER K THX

It was pretty cool--the temperature dropped ten degrees and it got darkish and we sun the sun snakes.

new fav pic of trainer

So much for theories of animals going berserk or whatever. None of the horses or barn cats cared at all. 

IS A ZOZO BIRD

I knew I could count on animals to have good sense. 

cool light!

I look forward to seeing the photos from yesterday's event--such a cool time to be alive.

Important Zoebird Updates!

I know you're all like WHATS ZOEBIRD DOING PRECIOUS.

well we're stupidly cute together

Answer: she is featuring in our fantastic new header!! I'd totally throw a blog link to my header person, but she doesn't really blog. Needless to say, she's super talented and no I'm not sharing (but yes she might make you a header for money if you ask real nice and use paypal).

Lots going on in Ms. Zoebird's world! She's settled into the barn routine like a champion, including grazing with her mini me, smoozing all the other boarders, and learning to eat cookies.

long manes, curly tails

She had her first ride this past weekend! I'm so lucky to be on site with a trainer who really gets baby horses and she has a fantastic assistant who has a really great feel for the young ones.

two thumbs up!

ZB was fantastic! Completely relaxed about the whole thing, with not a twitched ear or quick step. They're taking things nice and slow and I'm really excited about it.

While I definitely farm out the backing process, I'm a ground work pro. I pulled out a spray bottle when Zoebird first showed up and it was definitely not her idea of a good time at that point.

everything is better with a smooshy nose on it

I really find this stuff fascinating--Zo has a fabulous brain and she's a real smart lady, but she has to understand something before she's ok with it. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person walking around the round pen, spritzing liberally while she followed me, but once she figured out it wouldn't bite her, she let me spray it in her mane. We're doing a series of slow, simple sessions in a halter, but I'm confident she'll be completely over it in short order.

ooooo look fancy!

Another fun thing we've been working on is cantering on the lunge line--it's something Zoebird was asked not to do for her driving training. I don't want to get after her about it, but she seems pretty comfortable working with me now. On Sunday, we worked on the "canter now" idea, even if she crossfired or only had a few strides before losing her balance.

houston, we have canter!

Yesterday she actually seemed pretty solid on the concept and moved to doing it saddled in the big arena LIKE A CHAMPION OF CANTERING.

These maybe don't sound like huge accomplishments, but to me they're super exciting. I dropped Zoe into a whole new world with a completely different set of expectations and languages and she's adapting like she was born to be a little sporthorse. She meets me at the front of the stall, she makes my heart go pitter pat, and she's exactly what I wanted.

Happy two weeks, little one.