Shindig

Last weekend, I took my pilfered camera to the big recognized dressage show that's local to me.

this blog is about me and my horse but since i took these pictures, i give myself permission to use them

I love hanging out behind the camera because I can take everything in while staying completely invisible.

i am trying to keep pictures anonymous though

I watched people ride beautiful horses. 

Looked at the fancy ribbons.

Enjoyed the flow of well-ridden tests. 

And I'd be lying if I said I wanted to do that right now.

Honestly, just being there made me nauseous. 

PROTECT DOGGO FROM BOOM BOOM SKY

I'm struggling to put into words just how much I enjoy letting ZB be my safe space and my happy place. I show up and just enjoy every moment with her. 

There's no pressure. It doesn't matter if we accomplish something today or tomorrow or next year or ten years from now. 

outfits always matter

I love her bold curves and zero-shits-given attitude. My hearts melts when she whinnies her daily greeting. 

She makes every day a fun adventure.

she is her own lady

Objectively, I want to show again. 

Someday.

Not today. 

Not tomorrow. 

matching sparkle hats!

From now until then, I'll just be enjoying my best lady. 

Happy To Be Wrong

I've always watched people having fun with their horses and thought that couldn't be me because somehow I was stuck on this idea that the horse I needed to be competitive in the show arena wasn't the same horse that made me laugh back in the barn. 

dramatic spring skies

And for some reason, I was more focused on the competitiveness than the fun thing.

The whole point of Zoe is that I was really sick of that mindset.

I didn't get two shits if I ever showed again.

I just wanted to have fun.

ZB R SMOOSH DOGGO

Now I have this incredible baby mare who whinnies at me every day when I show up. 

She's game to try every day no matter what we're doing.

best evening plans

She has this beautiful attitude where she's calm and brave and sees new things as fun adventures instead of scary predators. 

Her response to changes in her home environment is to march over and stick her nose on whatever it is and smoosh it. 

her days of fitting through a people door are limited

It's funny how much she's changed my entire attitude. 

She's the most talented horse I've ever had the privilege of owning. I'm closer to my 10 year goals that I have ever been in my life. 

And they matter less to me than they ever have. 

hullo hing leg

Don't get me wrong--I still want to show. I want to get my bronze medal on a horse I trained myself. I want to run one recognized event above BN. I want to have a great outfit. Get a 70%. Know I belong. 

etc

SASS DOGGO

But right now?

It's rather terrible content for a blog, because I enjoy every damn day. I have such a good time. I'm not freaking out and struggling. There isn't really a compelling story line because honestly, everything actually is awesome. 

selfie game even on point

I'm really excited about the lessons we're taking right now because each glimpse at the potential ZB has makes me even more excited for our competitive future together. 

d'awww

But I'd be lying if I said that was the thing I enjoyed most about her.

It's the every day laughs in the barn that make this entire relationship worthwhile.

The Very Best Lady

I'm a little bit struggling with blog content right now just because things with ZB are so good. 

our take on handgrazing

I go to the barn. She whinnies at me like an actual Disney horse. I pet her and kiss her and feed her cookies and we toodle around and everything is awesome.

champion trail lady

We've been exploring the ditch bank together. I know from ZB's previous owner that she tends to be a bit herd bound, so I'm getting her confident going out in groups and working on installing buttons in the arena, and eventually I expect to have a calm, confident partner on solo trail rides.

And she might be that now.

tour guide!

But why go alone when you can take a friend?

she actually thought up this one

Even when we're hanging out at the barn--I try to find unusual things to address like standing on a random board or climbing in the sand pile or moving jump standards and opening gates from the saddle.

And like.

I can't phase her. Lil lady is brave and smart and curious and wonderful and I don't even get worried about weird shit anymore because I know we're going to be fine and we'll get through everything together.

OH HAI INTERNET FRENDZ

I mean sometimes I get all serious and am like "ZB WE DO THE DRESSAGES" and she is like "HOKAY MUM I JUST BE PERFECT THEN" so like after 20 minutes, I'm thrilled and then I feel like we pretty well covered everything I expect out of her right now.

whoops apparently no recent dressage media

She's a nice moving little lady with a solid go button and she's 110% try every single day, so she's a total blast to work with. The other day we did w/t/c transitions on the bit and some baby leg yields and yeah color me impressed. She's already borderline the best dressage horse I've spent time on and she makes it so much fun.

I did get a text from trainer the other day telling me that ZB had been naughty. APPARENTLY she tried to stop and visit every time a new friend came in the arena.

Cough.

I'd plead innocence on that one, but my barn buddy was sitting right there and almost fell off her horse laughing like "GEE WHIZ I WONDER WHO TAUGHT HER THAT".

So uh.

#itsme

i taught her other things too ok?

The snow is melting off the mountains and I'm lining up people to go trail riding with. It's weird for me to be excited about attacking new challenges and not think I might die, but here I am and it's a total blast.

hellomylivia hop: What I Didn't Know I Didn't Know

Olivia started this with one of the coolest blog posts I've read in a while and then Liz pitched in and now I want to give it a go. Here's what I would tell myself as a brand new adult amateur horse owner who just got handed the lead rope to the hellmare and all the things that followed:

aw look how i'm not on her

1) You have no idea what you're getting in to.

I rode as a kid, on lesson horses and half leases here and there. I worked hard and cleaned stalls and did 4H and never had the newest, nicest, or best, but I read everything I could get my hands on, spent every moment I could get at the barn, rode anything anyone would let me, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

best old man horse

2) You have no idea how much you need this.

Horses and horse people have been a driving force for good in my life on so many levels. The people I've met and connections I've made have shaped the life I lead today in more ways than I can count. No matter what was going on in the rest of my life, I was always surrounded by passionate, intelligent, driven women who became role models to me whether they knew it or not.

possibly our best jump lesson ever

3) Even your lowest moments will shape you in positive ways.

When I had my wreck on the hellmare and was too afraid to keep trying but too stupid to quit, I found a community of people to ask hard questions and help me find perspective. When I lost Cuna, I was surrounded by once in a lifetime friends who carried me through dark times I couldn't handle alone. When I had to let go of Courage, I was again among incredible people who helped both of us find a resolution.

and this is how you jump a bank with 3 broken bones
which is apparently a thing i can do

4) The horses are pretty great too.

Every one of them has something to show me and learning to listen and communicate, shape behavior and respond, has been transformative in my life. To me, it's not about the shows and the ribbons and the outfits. Learning to connect and trust another living being is a truly amazing experience and to me it makes the blood, sweat, tears, and dollars all worth it so many times over.

I love how horses can continue to evolve with us. My goals and approach now are completely different than they used to be. I'm more relaxed and more focused. I never expected to be where I am today, but now that I'm here, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Here's to the horses that made it possible.

How to Make the Perfect Ammy Horse

Zoebird turns five this month. (I'm committed to calling her 4 until her actual birthday. For reasons.) 

R NOT FUNNY MUM

She's a big lady. She isn't particularly tall, but she's wide and strong and sturdy. 

and she looks so fetch in purple

She's in training twice a week, where my trainer puts w/t/c dressage basics on her for 20-30 minutes a ride. If they a miss a day or a week, it's not a big deal. It is important to me that ZB learn to be a solid equine citizen. It is not important that we hit a competitive goal this year. 

I'm at the barn at least four days a week outside of the trainer rides. I try to be sure Zoe has a solid day a week to be a horse with no particular expectations. 

hand grazing ftw

1-2 times a week, I try to get on and work on something productive and related to dressage. 

clearly i need lessons

Outside of that, I just don't worry about it. ZB is a big lady. She's growing. By all accounts, she has another couple years of growing to go. Her body is big, but her joints haven't closed. 

PRANCIN OVER TARP

We spend a lot of time wandering around outside the arena. Learning to be completely relaxed in arena traffic. Playing with tarps and other fun toys and expanding her natural intelligence and curiosity. 

BARREL HORSE

I want to have a solid show horse eventually, but I have years to do that. Right now, I'm focused on developing my very cool baby mare into the fun, safe partner I've always wanted. 

HELPIN MUM GET HELMUT

That looks different from day to day. Not gonna lie, it completely melted my icy black heart when a special little girl came to the barn and Zoe just put her head down and closed her eyes and let her forelock get braided. 

JUS BEIN DISNEY HORSE

I'm in no hurry. Every day is fun. I look forward to just spending time with ZB and it doesn't even matter to me what we're doing. 

WANT SMOOSH SHORTY DOG

We have time. 

Requiem for a Friend

Sometimes we aren't the final landing place for a horse. Sometimes we're just a stop along their way to where they were meant to be. 

hello handsome

That's what a friend told me the other day when we were talking about Courage. 

When I met him, he needed a soft landing and I needed someone to soak up the tears from the looming inevitable. 

I loved him. I wanted him to be my horse, the one that I trusted to take me places and do all the things. He was gorgeous and intelligent and good minded and oh-so-athletic. 

When I needed him to be quiet and put the pieces of a shattered heart back together, he was there. 

But when I asked him to be the horse I always wanted, he exited stage left. Repeatedly. He gave me one good season. One giant champion ribbon. One serious education in what it looks like when a horse tries his heart out for you, but he just can't do it anymore. 

I rode through his antics. I learned to work with his quirks. I gave him a solid education in life beyond the track. 

It was hard to understand at the time and it's only a little easier now. 

just another day

I cannot overstate what he did for me and how he taught me to think through every step. To ask hard questions. To become more than myself and go beyond what I thought I could do. It wasn't always fun. It was never easy. It was blood, sweat, and tears, but the person I became because of him is someone I'm proud to be. 

and i will always love this photo

I see now that in some ways, I did the same for him. He came off the track mentally broken. Failing at a demanding career. Discarded by the people who took the most from him. Wearing physical reminders that he'd never be the horse he once was. 

his last win

He was never going to be the performance horse I wanted, but to be the horse he is now, he needed an in between time to learn that he could try again. 

I felt like a failure when I admitted I couldn't make him be what I wanted and I couldn't make myself want what he needed. 

there were a lot of years to get here

But sometimes life isn't about me. It's about giving an old warhorse a chance at a life he earned a thousand times over. 

When I met his new person, I knew he'd hit the jackpot. He stepped off the trailer at his new home and landed where he was meant to be. 

not gonna lie, i'd like to live in his barn

His owner is a private person and I respect that. I get photos of him once in a while and they make me so happy for him. He's wild and woolly and goes on trail rides in the mountains and never has to jump a jump or do dressage again. 

it's a good look for him

No primping and preening and trying to make him what he's not. No more failing and disappointment for a hard knocking campaigner who gave his all. 

It's not that I failed him or wasted my time. It's that there were things we needed to teach each other before we were each ready to be what we really needed to be. 

forever summing us up

Happy trails, my friend. You deserve them.