Existential Crisis x2

I have a standing Tuesday lesson. Theoretically. Last week, it got interrupted by a much-needed conversation with friends, which I was fine with because Courage did not show up to play and I figured it was good for him to at least have to stand there and have someone sit on him even if it wasn't what he really wanted.

Then there was this past Tuesday. I prepped--I had a decent-but-quiet ride Sunday and then went for a nice toodle Monday. No pressure. No pushing. At no point did I even pick up the reins. Just 25 minutes of hacking on the buckle, then eat cookies. 

I showed up for my Tuesday lesson. I had enlisted Alyssa to gather media. My mind was clear and calm. I caught my horse out of the field. I tacked up. 

And I got on tense horse who did not show up to play. 

and then trainer was like "uh get off and lunge before you die"

At all.

yup again. except because trotting. at home. in a straight line.

At. All. 

I've been struggling with this relationship (again) lately. I'm putting everything I can into it. I've changed trainers. Barns. Disciplines. I've backed off, started over, consulted pros, read and researched. I'm doing the absolute best I can. 

I've put almost two years into this horse in his present discipline. I've done over three years in total. We quit jumping, because he didn't like it. We left good trainers, because he didn't like them. We quit going to shows, because he wasn't coping. 

And three years later, it feels like he's less reliable than he was straight off the track. 

Now, I know Dr. Chiweenie and his cohorts Dr. Google and Dr. Internet are sitting over there screaming HE HAS ULCERS AND KISSING SPINES AND BAD CHI AND AND AND AND because trust me, not only do they comment here, but they also feel obliged to email me personally about how they are eminently qualified to diagnose actual medical conditions via computer. (They're the Dr. Phil AND Judge Judy, but of vet med.) But ok. 

Let's say I have 3-5k just sitting around to dump into this horse via various vet methods. 

Why the hell would I do it. 

Honestly, at this point, it sure seems like it would make more sense to buy a 3-5k horse that could, you know, be ridden regularly. Go to shows and not completely lose his shit. Actually try for me occasionally. 

It's not like I'm trying to get to the world championships of something. Hell, I don't care if I go to the regional championships. 

But I don't think it's unreasonable to want to go to a goddamn local schooling show and have a horse I can actually ride. I don't think it's nuts to expect that a horse living in it's ideal situation plus part time pro training to w/t/c around an arena a few days a week. I really don't. I think 99% of horses ought to be able to do that most of the time. 

I don't know why mine can't. I'm seriously questioning why he's mine in the first place. My trainer never, ever gives up on anyone and that's a great feature about her, but this is her livelihood. It's my hobby. That I do for fun. And maybe, if I stick it out and I don't know, spend the winter attending natural horsemanship clinics, I'll not only be able to ride my horse occasionally, but I'll also be the next freaking Tom Dorrance.

you can call me the wild stallion tamer

Or maybe I'm trying to force a situation that's never going to work. Maybe I'm putting years I'll never get back into a horse that isn't going to come around. Maybe it isn't meant to be. Maybe the reason I feel like I dump my heart and soul into this and get nothing back is because I'm missing the really obvious clues that this is never going to be a thing and maybe we'd all be better served if I moved on.

I don't have any answers right now. 

I know I don't believe in making decisions in the heat of the moment. I know that the fail photos I have plastered all over the internet would definitely be an impediment to selling. Come to think of it, this blog probably wouldn't help either. 

uh so if the whole thing disappears overnight, you know why

I'm at a loss, guys. It's not one bad ride or one missed lesson. It's not one bad show or one more stupid bolt. It's consistent. He's reliably unreliable for me. 

And frankly, I'm not sure why I'm here right now. It isn't fun. It isn't working. I'm learning a lot about how to manage a thousand pound diva that doesn't want to play, but I'm really not advancing my individual skill set in terms of moving up any level in any discipline and we're rapidly reaching the end of my willingness to put this much in to a situation and get nothing back. 

unless you counting lost shit. we have that in spades.

Maybe he needs to go to shows and do nothing but hand walk for the next five years. Maybe he just needs a change of scenery and a new person to thrive. Maybe if I stick it out another six months, I'll have a second level horse schooling third. 

Or maybe someone else will. And maybe they'll show up with him and beat me and my stupid new project horse I got off a feedlot somewhere at the third level championships.

But I'll go home and know that I have a partner who shows up to work. 

Honestly, that's all I want. The ability to work towards a goal with a reasonable expectation that we can achieve it. 

Is that so unreasonable?

PS I was obviously very emotional when I wrote this. I debated not posting it because it's quite raw, but what the hell. I specialize in being honest and this is/was honestly how I feel right now. So. Either that makes me a whiny bitch or I guess it's relateable that we all struggle sometimes. 

Learning Lessons: Personal Problems

Once upon a time, I was bitching about how complicated and sensitive my horse was.

Fellow blogger Lauren (who also has a bay OTTB gelding) was like:

don't worry--she approved this graphic

And she's not wrong. Courage is a very challenging horse who pushes me to my absolute limits with complete impunity. It's maddening. The worst part is that I know the things that drive me crazy aren't training issues. They're his freaking personality and that's not going to change. The histrionics and theatrics and flailing is just who he is.

Which is why Lauren said what she said.

And she's right.

remember when short sleeves were a thing

Here's the thing. Last year, I took an accounting class and blogged about how it challenged me and how that helped me understand Courage. That class sucked the soul out of me. I did hundreds of hours worth of work, struggled and clawed for every inch, and when the semester wrapped up, I was profoundly, deeply satisfied with my grade.

This year, I'm taking another class. Different instructor. It's stupid easy so far. It's so easy that I sit in class and do my own review sessions from last semester's material and invent problems BECAUSE I'M BORED. It's not that it's a bad class. It's fine. It just doesn't challenge me and I get zero satisfaction from it.

And that is the problem with me.

think WAY back

I sort of think that's why I was so happy jumping Cuna and yet can't convince myself it's fun on Courage. Cuna was the most incredible horse OF ALL TIME. He and I thought the same about everything. So while we had our disputes (occasionally), in general, we were challenged by the jumping to constantly improve.

And Cuna was good at jumping and terrible at dressage. Let's face it: I jumped 3'3"-3'6" on Cuna and had a blast, but when he did the TEST OF HIS LIFE it was training level at a dressage show and we got a 64. Courage got a 67 and I was like "hm good but I know we can do better".

basically a unicorn

So when JenJ is like "I'm riding this fantastic horse who like Does What He is Told and doesn't need to Express His Opinions on Life, the Universe, and Everything", I'm really a little bit jealous. I don't know what that's like. Then I jump to "it must be heaven" then immediately "I want one" and then riiiiiiight before I start horse shopping, I remember that I already HAVE a horse.

this horse

 And while he drives me crazy and pushes me to my limits some days, the truth is that I'm a person who pathologically NEEDS to be challenged in order to excel. I crave it. I chase it. I blunder right past the easy stuff, grab what looks impossible and say "this one".

Over and over.

We can argue all day about what a challenge looks like and I freely admit that just because your horse is less explosive or emotional or argumentative than mine is, it doesn't mean that your horse is somehow less challenging (or more, but god help you if so). It just means that Courage is my challenge.

I like riding him. I look forward to seeing him. I like how his face looks in my bridles.

so classic

Someday I hope he's this super-trained mega-fantastic fancy-ass dressage horse that little girls are jealous of, but even if he never is, he's my horse and I like him.

With all his challenges.

The Three Year Hex

I have this weird feeling that I just can't quite shake right now. As an adult, I have never owned a horse more than three years. Period. I'm on my third (fourth?) horse. I've intended to keep each one forever. It doesn't work out.

Nikki (got as a baby, traded away for Izzy), owned ~6 months

Izzy (bad news bears for me), owned 3 years on the nose

Cuna (worse news bears for soundness), owned two years

And Courage and I have a three year anniversary in July.

I'm committed to this relationship, so I won't sell/trade him away because he's unsuitable like I did horses #1 and #2. I can only hope we don't face crippling and catastrophic lameness like #3.

But each case has been a little different and I'm just twitchy enough (and apparently superstitious enough) that I feel paralyzed. Or at least inhibited. I don't want to pay for lifetime numbers for him. I hardly want to think about plans and goals beyond this spring. I know I'm being weird, but it's a real thing for me.

At least until after July 27th of this year. That's our three year anniversary. That's when we start into untested territory for horse ownership and my adult self.

Crazy? Maybe.

Here's to many more with this guy! (And can it not be winter anymore? That would be ok.)

A Day for the History Books

Y'all are familiar with Izzy, my super-alpha-bitch mare. She doesn't always play nice with others.

She has grown up a lot in the last year, but I think today she proved just how different a horse she is now.

Since we only have one large pasture to turn out in, the horses go out in sets. Due to her reputation as a hussy, no one was excited about her going with geldings and the only other mare is a confirmed mega bitch who must go out alone.


Enter Tatiana, Steph's new upper-level prospect. She's an 11 year old Dutch warmblood who currently runs around prelim.

I like her.

Yesterday, she an Izzy were grazed together to see if they would get along. They did. Then they got turned out together and had a ball.

Today, it was my job to turn them out together. The logistics of the barn demand that you make all trips as efficient as possible--it's about a half mile (I think) from the barn to the pasture and takes about 10 minutes round trip to walk briskly.

Sooooo. I brought Izzy to the main barn, crosstied her, got Ms Tatiana out, unclipped Izzy...

and I lead them to the pasture.

That's right, folks. A half mile. Two mares. One handler. Not a pinned ear between them.

Off they go! When I left, they were cozied up next to each other at the bottom of the pasture, grazing with their muzzles almost touching.

Oh.
My.
God.

Izzy made a friend.

It's 11/11/11 and Vetran's Day. Go hug someone. Izzy did already.

Alternatives

I was willing to give the studdy geldings one more go, I told myself. I'll go out and get Izzy, but if I have anything close to the drama I had last time, I'm just done. I'm not even putting her back out there.

It was Monday afternoon. I'm always alone at the barn, especially on Mondays.

As soon as I had sturdy boots and a helmet on, I picked up Izzy's rope halter, my lunge whip, and a couple of treats. Not taking chances here. As I walked over to the pasture, studdy gelding #1 who thinks Izzy is his soul mate, was taken out by his owner.

Nuts. I am totally done with this guessing game and I am not going to wait out another day, wondering if I'm dodging serious injury just to get my horse out for a ride. I put everything down and go clean stalls while I wait for studdy gelding #1 to return.

Literally as I take the last wheelbarrow out of the barn, studdy gelding #2's owner shows up. All I can think is wtf? These people never come, and now they're both here when I least want them? Oh, and they wanted to be chatty. I was -not- in the mood. Hey, if their stupid geldings can be hormonal, so can I. Leave me alone, people who have horrible horses.

Oh well... both geldings are out, so I just go and retrieve my pony, sans whip and helmet. She's just quietly waiting--no crazy meltdown because the studdy stud studs are gone.

This is funny, because they are both having huge fits, screaming, acting up, being dumb. Like 5 minutes after I took Izzy out, studdy gelding #2 was returned to the pasture because his owner didn't want to deal with his fit. Yep, great training guys. Any thoughts on why studdy gelding #2 is so awful?

I hand walked Izzy for a while so we could just hang out, then tacked up and went to the outdoor, which is directly across the road from the drama pasture. Studdy gelding #1 was back by now, so he proceeded to scream and run the fence. Fortunately, Izzy mostly ignored him, and I actually had a decent ride, though I did work her into a lather... We stopped to visit with Teri, our western trainer, and discussed the studdy stud studs. She agreed with me that it was a really bad situation and recommended some alternatives to talk over with the BO.

Long story short: Izzy is moving to a smaller private pasture today. It has certain drawbacks, but at least we'll both be away from the awfulness that is geldings.

Success story: I hosed Izzy off after our ride. She stood still and didn't have a meltdown. YAY!!!

Hormonal Pony Drama

I'll just start by saying that I really enjoy being hands-on with Izzy's care. How she feels in the morning reflects how she behaves in the pasture which echoes how she acts under saddle. It's all related.

So yesterday, despite me REALLY REALLY REALLY wanting to play more with the new bridle, I decided to stay on task and accomplish my goal of riding out into the hayfield, which we do in western tack.

Because the hateful gelding that lives with Izzy believes he's a stallion and that Izzy is his soul mate (she shares neither opinion unless she's actively cycling), I always have to carry a rock out with me to catch her. He usually stays away, but sometimes he acts threatening and I like to have something to chase him away before he gets in range to do any damage. Still, Izzy's brain was happy out in the pasture and the hateful gelding wasn't dangerous, just irritating.

Enter studdy gelding #2. This horse is overweight, neurotic, and nutty. When he was stalled next to Izzy, he nearly drove her insane and always tried to mount her over the fence, complete with grunting and ejaculating. Yeah... great situation. Studdy gelding, meet studdy gelding with a mare.

Of course, of the three owners, I am the only one who comes out with any regularity and thus I get to deal with now BOTH studdy geldings. (And before you give me the lecture about turning mares and geldings out together, I KNOW. It's just that this is my only pasture option.)

So I go to get Ms. Mare. She's happy to see me and willingly follows me out of the pasture. As studdy geldings #1 and #2 circle, charge, and otherwise make themselves dangerous. I had to throw three rocks at studdy gelding #1 just to keep him away. Izzy, bless her heart, stayed mostly calm, but it was way too exciting for my tastes.

Studdy gelding #1 always has a total emotional meltdown when I take Izzy out, but this time it's worse because there's another studdy gelding. Izzy was calm enough to tack up, but wasn't terribly responsive to me in our first jaunt down the length of the hay field. Hm... I figure she's distracted by herd drama, but she needs to tune in. We go back into the hayfield, and I started seeing behaviors that I haven't seen from her in months.

As we trooped along, she would slam on the brakes and absolutely refuse to go forward. I'd kick, and she'd start running backwards. I don't even remember the last time she did this. I kept her more or less pointed the right direction and got back on track, but she kept trying it. When that didn't work, she half reared and spun, trying to get back to the barn. (Rearing now? Don't remember the last time she pulled that stunt.) I kept her spinning in circles, then kicked her forward. When she finally reached the end of the field, we turned around and came back. She took a massive spook at a bird flying up and nearly unseated me in a freaking western saddle.

Sigh. It's all interconnected. She's way more upset because studdy gelding #1 is upset and her mind is gone.

We turned into the hayfield again, and this time she was reasonable. I turned her around and came back out, then rode her around the barn area for a while just to make her keep working while both studdy geldings went all crazy go nuts.

Sooooo... I'm very not happy. The pasture situation from my perspective is just plain dangerous. Izzy is and will be fine, but I am not ok with getting charged by massive hormonal geldings just to go for a ride every day. Plus, the reason I wanted Izzy out there was to make her brain happy, which it clearly IS NOT right now.

I'm going out again today. Unless both the boys are total angels and Izzy is absolutely perfect, I'm talking with the BO and some serious changes are in order. This isn't just unpleasant--it's unsafe.

Pasture Drama!!

I made it out this morning to find Izzy's boyfriend back in the barn. I was immediately worried. He's a super laid-back horse, so I was sure he must have gotten hurt or something and I was sure it was my stupid horse who'd done it.

Fortunately, the barn owner was there. She told me that the other gelding who we all thought was laid back all of a sudden started to play alpha stud. He wouldn't let Izzy's boyfriend eat or drink and kept chasing him. He even tried to chase off the bf's owner in a very aggressive way. Apparently, he also tried to chase Izzy around and she told him exactly what she thought of that.

Which is to say, she double barreled him a few times and he decided she could still be queen.

The super nice gelding is in the barn to stay, even though I told the BO that I'm sure the behavior is the result of having a mare out there and if Izzy is a problem, PLEASE just take her out of there. I don't want to be a problem boarder. However, it sounds like she's a lot more upset by the other gelding than by Izzy.

Anywhoodle... not sure where that's going. Izzy is very much in charge of the stupid gelding. He goes where she tells him too. I suspect that if she had any maternal instincts, she would have protected the other boy, but she likes to let boys deal with each other.

Oh Mare.

Notes from yesterday:

1) Both of the saddles pictured are Passiers. Part of me really really wishes the brown one would have worked. So pretty. Will update more on the black one later.

2) Apparently, the amazing dressage girth runs about $220. GASP. Yeah. Not in my future any time soon. I am looking in to the calfskin reins, though.