AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED

I've probably mentioned this, but in case you do something with your life other than obsess over my Zoebird, here's the background:

She's four. She spent six months last year being a driving horse, which is fantastic in terms of being low-impact while engaging her brain and showing her the world. However, as a baby driving horse, she was asked not to canter. And as a baby draft horse, cantering on her own wasn't a high priority. 

When she came home in July, we had lots and lots to tackle and one of those things was learning to canter. We started in the round pen. She could only do a few strides at a time. It was not coordinated. 

awwww babeh zozo

When she got more coordinated, we moved to the big arena! 

sunset lunging picture. yup. 

First I was just thrilled if she got a canter. Didn't matter if it was crossfiring, wrong lead, whatever. 

Then over the course of a few weeks, I upped my expectations to a WHOLE HALF CIRCLE and she had to do it EACH DIRECTION. 

As she got more comfortable, I upped the distance until she was doing 2-3 upward canter transitions each direction for a total 2.5 circles each way at the canter. 

All that was on the lunge line. 

And like.

safety first, kids!

Lunging a Zoebird is a real stupid thing. This is the horse I get on bareback with no prep to toodle and I don't want her to think running is a prerequisite to riding. 

Hence, we've been backing off the lunging but I want her to keep cantering and improving and building strength and muscle memory. 

Which means.

Prolly it's time to try that shit under saddle. 

good thing i don't have a shit ton of canter baggage.
HO SNAP

Soooooo. I seriously considered farming out the cantering process. 

But I have to do it eventually, and after several months of watching a Zoebird canter on a lunge line, I knew she wasn't going to be naughty. 

Last week, I was trotting around. I thought canter might be a good idea, so I asked Zoe to go. She went OH HAI BIG TROT and I was like HO SHIT DEATH NOPE. Plus we didn't have a media person, so even success would have been undocumented, which is clearly the most important issue. 

and then we went on the ditch bank and she was real wild
or like
not

But earlier this week, I was having a real nice ride. We'd done transitions and figure eights and Zoe was being a super lady.

And I thought.

What the hell.

plus media person obv

We got big trot, but instead of panicking, I giggled. 

And then I thought about farming out the process again. 

And then I thought let's do this thing.

If you're a video hater, here's the relevant still:

wheeee!

You can't really see it from this angle, but I have a stupid grin on my face because Zoe is so fun. You can see in the video that she sort of four beats and then is like SMOOSH GOES WOOSH (credit to AA with RA for my new slogan).

It's cute. It's fun. It's SUPER to ride.

AND BRAKES EVEN

I should probably have a cooler wrap-up than, "it was real fun and I can't wait to do it some more", but that's where it's at.

Ms. Zoebird.

The wonder baby. 

#plzshareunicornmagic RESULTS!!!

Edit: I intentionally leave world events out of the goings on for this blog. That said, last night's tragedy hits way too close to home for me. There is never a right thing to say or a best way to grieve.

I love me some fail photos and when Topline Leather offered to do a giveaway, it was the obvious contest choice.

actual quote. fo shizzle.

Let's do a top ten (ish) and count down to our lucky winner!!

Honorable mention: (because is it really a fail if it's an intermediate chevon)

Sup, @sprinklerbandits and @toplineleather are hosting a fail contest. And while my super brave and honest mare didn't bat an eye when I aimed her at the intermediate chevon, the size of the jump caught her a little of guard. And well. Here we are. #plzshareunicornmagic #nothowtodothis #donottellgeorgemorris #hewillcallmeasoupsandwhich #butprobablyworse #whydoesmyhorsejumpanythingatall #imfired

A post shared by Alyssa Kelley (@holybull79) on Sep 25, 2017 at 10:38pm PDT

10: (i applaud her enthusiasm and her photographer)

That one time I just wanted to jump the jump myself @sprinklerbandits @toplineleather #plzshareunicornmagic

A post shared by Rhiannon (@rhiannonf77) on Sep 27, 2017 at 4:56am PDT

9: (i love hampton too much to put him higher on a fail list)

Getting those late, downhill changes out of the way before the class! #plzshareunicornmagic @sprinklerbandits @toplineleather

A post shared by KayTay (@flyingleadchange) on Sep 22, 2017 at 1:30pm PDT

8: (damn girl. damn.)

#plzshareunicornmagic @sprinklerbandits @toplineleather No horses were harmed in the making! #fail

A post shared by New Equestrian Account (@diagonal_line) on Sep 29, 2017 at 5:04pm PDT

7: (oh nilla. you never disappoint.)

I couldn't pick just one #fail photo when Nilla has gifted me with so many. #plzshareunicornmagic #mulesofinstagram @toplineleather @sprinklerbandits

A post shared by Olivia @ DIY Horse Ownership (@diyhorseownership) on Sep 24, 2017 at 4:44pm PDT

6: ("movement not required at this level")

#plzshareunicornmagic @toplineleather @sprinklerbandits

A post shared by ✵Sierra✵ (@tr0tting_hooves) on Sep 28, 2017 at 8:08am PDT

5: (jan's original photo was sans accouterments but i think they add a nice flourish)

Thanks for the customization @toplineleather, I have my own rainbow spewing unicorn now! #plzshareunicornmagic @sprinklerbandits #pennsylvainapete

A post shared by Jan Snyder (@jan.snyder) on Sep 26, 2017 at 7:03pm PDT

4: (one of our contest organizers forgot to specify your insta needs to be public #itsme)

via Confessions of a Dressage Barbie

3: (this woman is my soul sister)

@toplineleather @sprinklerbandits #plzshareunicornmagic

A post shared by Lauren G (@custard_lauren) on Sep 26, 2017 at 7:43am PDT

2: (in high def omg)

#plzshareunicornmagic #fail The unicorn bits are so pretty!!! I would love to win one!!!

A post shared by Kay Anne (@k.anne.equestrian) on Sep 22, 2017 at 6:01pm PDT

1: OUR UNICORN BIT WINNER (she stuck this. how.)

This is the ultimate fail pic, right? 😂 This is me, maybe 2005, in the midst of disaster. Fun fact: I stayed on. 🤷‍♀️ @sprinklerbandits and @toplineleather are doing a fail contest, and this is my entry. #plzshareunicornmagic #didntdie #jumper #whathappened? #disaster #badeq #myequitationtho #americanwarmblood #mare #equestrianproblems #equestrianfail

A post shared by Nacho and Katherine (@onespicynacho) on Sep 26, 2017 at 9:37am PDT

Thank you to all our contestants!! Definitely check out the #plzshareunicornmagic on instagram. There are some real doozies!!

Winner (and runner-up omg you get a prize too!!) will be contacted by Topline Leather to receive their prizes directly. Thanks for playing everyone--I'll catch you next year!

Existential Crisis x2

I have a standing Tuesday lesson. Theoretically. Last week, it got interrupted by a much-needed conversation with friends, which I was fine with because Courage did not show up to play and I figured it was good for him to at least have to stand there and have someone sit on him even if it wasn't what he really wanted.

Then there was this past Tuesday. I prepped--I had a decent-but-quiet ride Sunday and then went for a nice toodle Monday. No pressure. No pushing. At no point did I even pick up the reins. Just 25 minutes of hacking on the buckle, then eat cookies. 

I showed up for my Tuesday lesson. I had enlisted Alyssa to gather media. My mind was clear and calm. I caught my horse out of the field. I tacked up. 

And I got on tense horse who did not show up to play. 

and then trainer was like "uh get off and lunge before you die"

At all.

yup again. except because trotting. at home. in a straight line.

At. All. 

I've been struggling with this relationship (again) lately. I'm putting everything I can into it. I've changed trainers. Barns. Disciplines. I've backed off, started over, consulted pros, read and researched. I'm doing the absolute best I can. 

I've put almost two years into this horse in his present discipline. I've done over three years in total. We quit jumping, because he didn't like it. We left good trainers, because he didn't like them. We quit going to shows, because he wasn't coping. 

And three years later, it feels like he's less reliable than he was straight off the track. 

Now, I know Dr. Chiweenie and his cohorts Dr. Google and Dr. Internet are sitting over there screaming HE HAS ULCERS AND KISSING SPINES AND BAD CHI AND AND AND AND because trust me, not only do they comment here, but they also feel obliged to email me personally about how they are eminently qualified to diagnose actual medical conditions via computer. (They're the Dr. Phil AND Judge Judy, but of vet med.) But ok. 

Let's say I have 3-5k just sitting around to dump into this horse via various vet methods. 

Why the hell would I do it. 

Honestly, at this point, it sure seems like it would make more sense to buy a 3-5k horse that could, you know, be ridden regularly. Go to shows and not completely lose his shit. Actually try for me occasionally. 

It's not like I'm trying to get to the world championships of something. Hell, I don't care if I go to the regional championships. 

But I don't think it's unreasonable to want to go to a goddamn local schooling show and have a horse I can actually ride. I don't think it's nuts to expect that a horse living in it's ideal situation plus part time pro training to w/t/c around an arena a few days a week. I really don't. I think 99% of horses ought to be able to do that most of the time. 

I don't know why mine can't. I'm seriously questioning why he's mine in the first place. My trainer never, ever gives up on anyone and that's a great feature about her, but this is her livelihood. It's my hobby. That I do for fun. And maybe, if I stick it out and I don't know, spend the winter attending natural horsemanship clinics, I'll not only be able to ride my horse occasionally, but I'll also be the next freaking Tom Dorrance.

you can call me the wild stallion tamer

Or maybe I'm trying to force a situation that's never going to work. Maybe I'm putting years I'll never get back into a horse that isn't going to come around. Maybe it isn't meant to be. Maybe the reason I feel like I dump my heart and soul into this and get nothing back is because I'm missing the really obvious clues that this is never going to be a thing and maybe we'd all be better served if I moved on.

I don't have any answers right now. 

I know I don't believe in making decisions in the heat of the moment. I know that the fail photos I have plastered all over the internet would definitely be an impediment to selling. Come to think of it, this blog probably wouldn't help either. 

uh so if the whole thing disappears overnight, you know why

I'm at a loss, guys. It's not one bad ride or one missed lesson. It's not one bad show or one more stupid bolt. It's consistent. He's reliably unreliable for me. 

And frankly, I'm not sure why I'm here right now. It isn't fun. It isn't working. I'm learning a lot about how to manage a thousand pound diva that doesn't want to play, but I'm really not advancing my individual skill set in terms of moving up any level in any discipline and we're rapidly reaching the end of my willingness to put this much in to a situation and get nothing back. 

unless you counting lost shit. we have that in spades.

Maybe he needs to go to shows and do nothing but hand walk for the next five years. Maybe he just needs a change of scenery and a new person to thrive. Maybe if I stick it out another six months, I'll have a second level horse schooling third. 

Or maybe someone else will. And maybe they'll show up with him and beat me and my stupid new project horse I got off a feedlot somewhere at the third level championships.

But I'll go home and know that I have a partner who shows up to work. 

Honestly, that's all I want. The ability to work towards a goal with a reasonable expectation that we can achieve it. 

Is that so unreasonable?

PS I was obviously very emotional when I wrote this. I debated not posting it because it's quite raw, but what the hell. I specialize in being honest and this is/was honestly how I feel right now. So. Either that makes me a whiny bitch or I guess it's relateable that we all struggle sometimes. 

Little Things

Some moments put all our problems in perspective. It's time to be thankful for the little things.

Things like:

sweet ground tying skills

amazing selfies of amazing friends

being ridiculously photogenic

still having hilarious fails while being photogenic

quiet moments

hilarious discoveries

the ability to make little improvements

<3 Hug your ponies and enjoy the time you have.

A Philosophy of Failing

After watching an equine professional light into a person for taking less-than-ideal photos of a normal situation, I've been thinking about my own fail photos.

no i cannot tell you what is happening here

I mean, we all know I'm not a pro of any sort and the only horse I train is my own, so I have no vested interest in a perfectly curated online presence for any reason other than my own vanity. Plus, if you've been reading this blog for any length of time, I'd venture you have no illusions of grandeur regarding my own riding.

I fail. Frequently. Publicly. Hilariously.

and i stayed on even

I mean, I love those pictures that make me look like I know my shit and have a handle on things, but we all know it's not a normal state of affairs around here.

So to me, part of being honest on my blog is being honest about what the day-to-day looks like. It's messy. It's hard. It's also funny. I'd be lying to you if I said every ride was great and I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't laugh my ass off at the pictures I've ended up with.

it's never not funny

 I'm not perfect. Courage isn't perfect.

he's also not an xc horse

The ability to laugh at the genuinely funny things along the way makes it all worthwhile.

If' you're insecure professional enough that you only want perfect shots of yourself and your horse online, hey, more power to you. My income isn't built around my ability to look good on a horse (thank the maker!) so to me, it's immaterial. I fail. I laugh. I learn. I keep on trying.

indoors or outdoors!

What are your thoughts on fail photos?

Mindset Evolutions

I would just like to point out that the lack of wildly over-the-top flailing pictures this year is actually not because of a dearth of excellent local photography, but because the FLAIL AND LEAVE NAOW BAI response in Courage is much, much reduced.

this was actually a spook

I know I've said it before, but Courage is a really complicated horse. He takes a thinking ride, every step of every day. I've gone on and on about how the "correct" response to difficult situations is rarely the Courage-approved response.

And this year, I'm finally figuring out how to work with that.

the answer is always a new saddle pad

Courage flailing is Courage screaming that he can't mentally handle what I want. It's not Courage ducking work or Courage being a dick. He has a great work ethic and while he can be an asshole, he's actually pretty sweet most of the time if he isn't on the defensive.

So when Courage tells me I CANT, I've learned to immediately ask, "what can you do instead?"

And mean it.

It's taken a while, but it's working. He's learning to trust that I won't ask for more than he can do and that I'll listen when he says stop. That means that he's more willing to try things because he knows he has an out if he gets overwhelmed.

It's unconventional, but it shouldn't be. It's more like a conversation of equals than a master/beast hierarchy. It certainly wouldn't work if Courage was lazy or mean, but he's not. It also doesn't mean that Courage can say "eh, rather not" to get off the hook. I pay his bills with the expectation that he will step up and do a job an hour a day and he has to deal with that.

It's just that I've recognized that I'm not going to out-muscle, out-fight, or out-last him. The direct methods don't get through to him--they piss him off. Instead of being mad at him for being pissed off at me because I'm being an asshole to him, it makes more sense to just calmly say, "ok, what can you do?"

and/or trample dogs

Right now, that answer is most frequently "walk on the buckle".

Sure, walking on the buckle isn't something that's "hard" or "cool" or "TRAINING" in a typical sense, but it builds his confidence in me and mine in him.

What's more, the flail fits have been primarily prompted by me asking Courage to push from his hind end and carry himself more correctly, which entails moving his back. While he's hardcore struggling with it at the trot, when he tells me that all he can do is walk, he offers a more connected walk that pushes from his hind end and moves his back and then he carries himself more correctly.

It's in there. He's figuring it out. Rage, intensity, and pressure will only set us back. It's amazing what we can do with patience, understanding, and communication.

Love the One You're With

Courage has a bit of a reputation, as it were.

i'm sure it's a first level move

In fact, while talking with friends the other day, it was possibly indicated that on an anxiety scale of 1-10, riding him in the open is an 11 for some people. And those people have very legitimate reasons for saying that.

And yes, while my hot horse was completely losing his shit at our last horse show, I had a moment of wishing for some dumb, giant, fancy warmblood thing because somehow in my mind, that would be easier to deal with. (Someone get Marissa a plane ticket so she can come smack me for that thought.)

But here's the thing: 

Courage and I are coming up on three years together and while I could probably link you to 15 or 20 blog posts in that time where things were so rough that I would have been totally justified in selling him just to be rid of him, things are different now. In some inexplicable way, things just clicked for us this spring. 

code for: outfit needs more sparkles

I can't really pinpoint when or why or how, but I have a better understanding of how to ride and work with him to be successful and he has a better understanding of what I want and how to communicate with me when he needs something. 

I'm sure I'll be compiling hilarious fail pictures for years to come. I acknowledge Courage's fails and flails and opinions and emotions are completely over the top and ridiculous, and yet I'm comfortable with them. He's not trying to hurt me, he's really not mean, and honestly, most of it just makes me laugh.

also we're both devastatingly attractive have nice asses

On a deeper level, Courage and I have a lot in common--we're sensitive stoics, right up until we aren't. We're willing to work our tail ends off for a silly cause as long as it's for a friend, but we cannot be bothered to blink on cue for someone we don't like.

Courage knows how to push ALL my buttons and from time to time, he does it (I also know how to push his buttons, but I'm usually enough of a grownup/value my life enough not to try it). That's becoming less often though as I figure out how to communicate with him.

one step at a time

He's not an easy horse and he doesn't choose to go well for a lot of people. The way to get through to him isn't generally the shortest, most obvious, or quickest way. I love the challenge of explaining something to him and I really love when he actually gets it and then prances around in his usual victory-dance-look-at-me-I'm-the-best sort of way. 

best at... this

He's not for everyone and he doesn't have to be. He's my horse and I'm lucky to have him. 

Devil. Details. BURN THE WITCHES.

Once upon a time, I complained that my horse wouldn't turn right. It was maddening and frustrating and no fun at all.

Austen commented that I'd get through it eventually and the sun would shine and the heavens would open and that the next day we wouldn't be able to turn left.

Such a hater, that one.

Courage is a lot more broke and rideable than he was was last year and so I talked Alyssa into coming out and photographing us the other day.

love this shot of him

We walk/trotted around and tried to get the perfect trot picture.

FOR NOW

And then I rolled up into canter.

And uh.

Guess who can't turn left?