|quintessential lap chiweenie|
This past year has entailed dealing with a lot of bullshit that falls on the "no one, ever" side of the spectrum. It's not strictly horse-related, so it's not 100% relevant to this blog.
What are horses, if not thousand pound mirrors of everything we like and hate about ourselves?
|me too buddy|
I keep hanging on to Courage against reason. Against logic. Against everything. And it's not even like I'm head over heels for him most of the time, you know? I have good rides and I'm like "omg <3", but just as often, I have incredibly terrible rides (if I can even catch him) and leave the barn supremely frustrated. And then there's now, where I'm not even riding and he's still being an asshole.
|yeah it's cool i wanted to spend hours cooling you out DUMBASS|
I'm working through a lot of things personally. Things like keeping everyone and everything in my life at arm's length. Or being so guarded that I never let anyone close so they can't hurt me. Compulsively hiding any trace of emotion so no one knows how I really feel, ever. Deep-seated (justifiable) anger. Disappointment. Loss.
I am 100% polished and professional at pushing everyone away.
And that's a me-problem, not a Courage-problem.
Which is to say, I'm very emotionally unstable right now and then I piled a concussion on top of that. If you've never had a concussion, just know they're the worst. I can't think or concentrate on anything, I make stupid errors, and I forget everything. It's maddening.
Courage is not the forgiving type to start with, he's never been easy, and I guess the best thing I can say for him is that he's 100% "genuine", meaning he goes like shit when he feels like shit and he doesn't apologize for yanking my chain, ever.
That's just Courage. Take it or leave it.
Like. Both those emotions in the same half second or so.
|super awesome blogger secret santa present!|
But dammit, I really want to just go out to the barn and walk into my horse's stall and have him meet me at the gate and be one of those "everything is ok" horses where I can hop on and toodle around when I need to.
And he's not that.
I can't control what's going on around me. I can't always trust my own judgement. I know I'm not in a place to make big decisions right now.
What I can do is make a plan.
|step one: stick head in snowbank|
I don't know if I can ride come January, but I feel confident that I'll be able to lunge or work him in hand 2-3 days a week. My trainer will be able to ride him 2x a week as weather permits.
|definitely things to work on|
The maddening thing with basically everything in my life right now is that I have no control over it. I can't put it on a schedule. I can't say when I'll feel better. I can't say when or if my head will start working right again.
|but i have cute pets|
And sometimes, one tiny corner is all I get.
|pic courtesy of the Thoughtful Equestrian|