Oops I Tack Ho'ed Again

(In fairness to me, this one is pretty much 100% Roxie's mom's fault.)

(Ok FINE 60%.)

I have whined repeatedly about how the only drawback to a glorious ZB is that she is a literal tack ho buzzkill. She's a custom bridle size (uh don't ask how many i have right now), a funky boot size (sob), a scary saddle size (omfg), and an 84" blanket (yes at 4 years old and 15.2 tall).

It's not a lot of fun to spend hours digging through backlogs of fb groups and eBay when your odds of success are literally zero. I mean. I started talking to a custom saddle person because y'know, I can't actually buy anything else so I MIGHT AS WELL SAVE UP AND GET SOMETHING REAL NICE. (Actual this is super logical and probably not something I should bitch about.)

I DO WHAT I WANT
also ho shit mare. feel good much?

The point is that I barely shop for things right now. Thus, when Roxie's mom was like "I'm totes going to a Real Tack Store! Do you need anything?", I gave her a list and told her to send me sexy pictures.

she obliged

Sadly, the super extravagant thing I wanted was not available. And again. Good luck getting a 6" bit off the rack EVER. Not that I need a bit. But shopping.

Everyone needs friends like Roxie's mom, because she knows what I like and sent me a ton of pictures and checked sizes. Then she found it:

ooooooooo

Yes that is a purple dressage pad I don't didn't already have.

Of course, then she's like "oh hey there's a matching shirt", but they didn't have it in my size. 

DUN DUN DUN

can you see where this is going

So the next day, I'm obviously in the market for the matching shirt. I go to Riding Warehouse. I find it. The shirt is like $35, which means I need another $20 to use my coupon and still get free shipping. 

I do the only logical thing and start skimming through the clearance section. 

Annnnnnd then I saw it. 

photo via Riding Warehouse

Dream helmet. In the clearance section. In my size. And I've been meaning to get a new vented schooling helmet. And I had a coupon.

AND I NEEDED TO HIT THE FREE SHIPPING THRESHOLD. 

It was the only way. 

I put it in the cart.

I added the coupon. 

I totaled up the fake money sitting in my paypal account from a return (the money is already spent so it doesn't count, right?). 

sad brown ovation needs to be western-only, right?

I texted some of my super rational friends (cough tack hos all) and they were like #yolo. 

That seemed reasonable. 

Plus it will look so good with my new pad and matching shirt.

At that point, I figured I'd done enough damage for a weekend. But it could also be argued that there was a local tack swap thingy that sounded interesting at a barn I'd never been to and hey, I was already awake! Besides, as I VERY LOGICALLY told a friend, it was mostly western stuff. What could I possibly buy? Reins?

Cough.

Finish giggling, then we'll move on.

I dragged the world's best barn dog (tm) to the tack swap and then took FOREVER to walk through and look at things because basically every single person had to admire him. But that means I had a lot of time to think about the first thing I saw when I walked up:

A saddle that looked like it would fit a barrel.

It had some damage. It was priced low to account for it. It looked like it would fit. I hemmed. I hawed. I ran into a local friend who verified that it looked real wide.

Finally I think I annoyed the guy selling it so much that he was like IF IT DOESNT WORK, JUST RETURN IT and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY PLZ JUST LEAVE.

sooooooooo

Just remember.

Friends don't make friends add up how much they spent on tack in any given weekend.

Quick Reviews: Show Equipment

There are lots of bloggers who write lots of helpful product reviews. Those things are super helpful if I'm shopping and super boring if I'm not. In the interst of being as non-boring as possible, here are some quick product reviews of some new stuff I used at the show.

1) FITS Zephyr Dressage Coat review

I found this on clearance for $100 and snagged it because I really, really wanted a four silver button coat with piping and something washable, stretchy, and breathable. This coat checks all the boxes. Wearing dark colors in the sun is wearing dark colors in the sun, but it was bearable, reasonably flattering, and actually fit my ridiculous ape arms. I have never liked a show coat before and I'm not sure I plan to start now, but for $100, I am very pleased.

2) Ogilvy Dressage Profile Pad review

I'm pretty sure both of my ogilvy pads are this model. Regardless, love love love this pad. Fits perfectly on C under my 18" dressage saddle and large Mattes half pad. Never moves, never wrinkles, never rubs. Thick enough to hold it's shape, thin enough to wash well. I wish all my saddle pads were ogilvy.

still going strong in our last test

3) Charles Owen Sparkle JR8 review

I've had this helmet for a while now but haven't worn it much once it broke in because I wanted to save it for shows/clinics/photo shoots.

Love it. I mean, it's just a spruced up JR8, so it's not all fancy and upgraded like other things on the market. I had a jr8 I loved for a couple years and I'm fine with the features and price point. It definitely stands out. I got a ton of compliments and if there were haters, they kept it to themselves. I will say the sparkle game is strong in the dressage crowd, so I wasn't the only one with a shiny helmet.

4) Horze Crescendo Kiana Breeches review

I hate hate hate wearing white breeches, so I didn't own any. I ended up with these through a trade on facebook. The detailing is cute and the fabric isn't see through.

I tried them one once a few months back and then wore them both days for the show. They held up great, didn't give me saggy ass, and smoothed things out reasonably well. I would buy these again no question.

There are some glaring holes in my wardrobe going forward--I need acceptable show gloves (realized morning of that everything I own is blue or brown) and I really need a good stock pin. Preferably with sparkles. I also want custom dress boots but LULZ $$$. Oh and a garment bag (and boot bag!) is starting to sound incredibly useful. Ideas?

Teach Me Tuesday: Under the Helmet

Kinda like this

As a kid, I don't think I ever did anything particular with my hair and a helmet. I wore a mushroom-head shiny Troxel that I fell off in a bunch and didn't know to replace and for shows, it got a fake velvet cover and I used one of those black hairnet/ponytail clip things.

George Morris would have been appalled, but all I know about him was the column in practical horseman and for some reason, I focused on learning what a "safe jumper" and a "base of support" looked like instead of turnout details. Sue me. 

Then I rode with a much stricter trainer as an adult and learned that we had to buy more expensive helmets (meh), replace them when we fell off (this is good. do this.), and always put our hair up under our helmets. It's a very polished look and I do appreciate it.

otoh this sparkle CO is amazing

But now I'm doing dressage and "the look" if you will, seems to be bouncing pony tail to school and bedazzled black hair net thing to show. 

Which sort of feels full circle to me? 

Regardless. I'm now on the fence about the hair-under-helmet thing because while it's fine if you have short or thin hair, thick-haired people are most definitely compromising their protection and since it's really not fair to them to be the only ones with their hair out, it seems to me that we should choose our safety equipment based on what is actually safest and not what makes Georgie or the O'Connor's or whomever most aesthetically happy. 

Because I'm most happy when I'm not sporting the latest TBI. 

So. What do you do under your helmet? Short hair? Buzz it off? Put it up? Hairnet every time? 

Equine Oscars: Fashion Awards

IT'S OSCAR SEASON (more or less). As someone who rarely watches movies and gives no shits about celebrity gossip, I can absolutely assure you that the BEST part of this time of the year is the best/worst dressed lists. I may hate dressing up, but I love all the pretty pictures. And let's be real: the bad ones are the best.

Ladies and (maybe?) Gents, today I'm bringing you this year's winners for "worst possible clothing ideas". Manufacturers, I salute you for your efforts to put forward interesting and innovative ideas. Some of those ideas are brilliant. Some are mediocre and repetitive.

Neither of those things are included on this list.

This list is for the things so unique and so bad that I cannot even comprehend why anyone ever thought they were a good idea, much less slapped a label on them and then thought that a same human being would buy them.

Without further ado, let's look at the worst of the worst of equestrian fashion!

From the bottom up:

BOOTS

Boots are hardly a fashion statement when equestrian life includes sclepping large amounts of real and metaphorical shit through mud, dust, and sand, right? Boots are needed. Boots are life. Is it even possible to screw boots up?

Dublin answered that question with a resounding YES. Meet the horrific plastic shiney red non-space boots that people were somehow supposed to ride in. I mean, if your skin didn't break out in hives just looking at them, think about the total lack of breathability. And your feet. And anerobic bacteria. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the first boots that it's possible to get a venereal disease from without even doing anything weird.

No wonder these were only ever made once and never re-released. Special edition my ass.

Speaking of asses, let's talk BREECHES!! 

Breeches are important. There is no denying that riding is a leg sport and what we put over our legs is critically important. Modern technology (and elastic!) have completely revolutionized the riding-pants market. But hey. There's lots of asses and lots of ideas and is it even possible to make one idea any more universally wrong than those gross old mushroom pants? (You know what I'm talking about.)

YES Romfh says. YES. This thing is so wrong that it can never be right! We can debate all day whether plaid is slimming (it's not) or whether it looks good on curvy girls (it doesn't) or whether they should wear it anyways (ehhhhhh no thanks), but one thing we can all universally agree on: no one needs baroque wallpaper on their ass. Ever. They didn't even do that in the baroque period and those guys thought this shit up in the first place.

Ew.

Let's just go straight to SHIRTS.

But wait!! Patterned shirts are much less revealing (in bad ways) and much more cute! Who can hate on patterned shirts?! (Well, I can. But they're not the worst.)

No. Shirts have evolved a lot in the past years. We have tech material (super cool), venting (amazing), stretchy stuff (love), and all kinds of fashion knowledge to put to use. I mean, WAL MART makes tech shirts now. If they can do it, how can a much cooler company screw it up?

So, so badly. I'm not familiar with Cavalleria Toscana, and at this point, I don't want to be. Whether you call this a "generous maternity shirt for ocoto-mom", a "reverse dickie", or just plain "in poor taste" (or whether you string all those together and create a new genre), you've pretty well got it nailed. There is no part of this that is not a terrible idea, which is why I have to use a double negative to describe it.

But SB, you're saying, no one sees our shirts! We have STOCK TIES!!

Dun dun dun!

Yes we do.

We can argue all day about the pros and cons of stock ties in a supposedly-athletic endeavor. I mean, I buy the part about tourniquets out hunting, but that presupposes 1) you are not in an arena on a show grounds with an ambulance (where else do you personally wear a stock tie?) and 2) OH YEAH THAT YOU AREN'T A LAZY BASTARD WITH A PRE-TIED MODEL.

Which you are.

Yup. Clocking in at nearly $50+shipping, this beauty screams "I'M AN ATHLETE NOT A SLAVE-OWNING VICTORIAN RACIST". Wait no. I got that backwards. Plantation owners, rejoice! Your ruffly poor taste is now enshrined in modern dressage. As a statement. Of god knows what. Egads.

I mean really! All athletes need these. o.0

But for real. Athletes need helmets and who can hate on HELMETS?

I mean. As a modern equestrian who likes my non-vegetative state, I am absolutely 100% in favor of helmets. I may think it's a bit ridiculous to shell out for $900 Antares/Samshield custom job, but people spend money on all kinds of shit I don't have, and bully for them. Right?

But then I saw this monstrosity:

Not only does this chrome dome clock in at $708 American dollars BEFORE shipping from overseas (oh yes), it's also made by KEP, of 900facebookpony fame. You remember that whole saga? Haha! If you buy expensive helmets, you should: KEP basically manufactures high-priced low-tech head-grenades, in that their helmets fall apart with precious little provocation and actually don't protect your precious grey matter from anything. Not impacts. Not dust. You would literally be better off bare headed.

Damn son.

Damn.

These aren't just items with a worse-than-average shelf appeal. Each one of these is specially-crafted to a level of horrible-ness that I'm not sure I wanted to know existed.

What do you think? Did I miss something? Include your favorite item? There's always more than one worst dressed list to go around!!

Brains: Not Just for Zombies Anymore

Zombies. So hot right now.

You can live without a lot of things, but you can't live without your brain.  HELLO. Unless you are just trying to presquish some nice, yummy zombie soup, just put the brain bucket on.

My trainer was/is on the USEA safety committee and she's big on helmets. I'm a fan of that. Some of the basic guidelines that are drilled into us are as follows:

1) The foam in helmets works by collapsing to spread impact around and prevent a brutal blow to the head. This means that a helmet is good for two years or one fall, whichever comes first. Dropping a helmet more than three feet onto a hard surface or leaving it in a hot car will also ruin the foam and leave you unprotected.

So many things to hit my head on

2) The helmet is designed to protect your head. It cannot do this if it, you know, FALLS OFF. Make sure your helmet is well fitted according to manufacturer specifications. In general, this means that you should be able to unfasten the chin strap and lean over and your helmet stays put. If it's slipping around on your head, it's too loose. (Noted: this is uncomfortable when breaking in a new helmet. The foam really does relax and get more comfortable.) Also--whether you wear your hair up under the helmet or down, make sure the helmet fits. If you have long, thick hair, you're probably better off leaving it down so your hair doesn't screw with your helmet.

Those are good guidelines to start with. My helmet has reached the two year mark and I've started looking around at my options. I was tempted by the sparkly and obscenely expensive options that are showing up, but my brain is more important to me than any fashion sense. Instead, I read this article and this follow up. Both are addressing the climbing rates of traumatic brain injuries and the helmet technology that is developing to address it.

Kind of hate how it looks, but love my brain more

So far, the only equestrian helmet I've found that incorporates the available technology is the Devonaire Matrix Helmet, available here for $99.95. I'm definitely going to be looking into this and trying one on in the very near future. I know I'm not the only (or the best) science nut in the blogosphere. Who else has information to share?

Equestrian Christmas List

It's that time of year--I get absolutely flooded with emails and catalogs from equine companies wanting me to purchase more horse stuff. Unfortunately, my family does not believe in buying horsey anything for me and I'm spending my money getting gifts for other people (and buying feed. Next time, I'll get native ponies. TBs eat so much!)

If I was going Christmas shopping for myself with an unlimited budget (hey, that whole sentence is unrealistic), here's what I'd be getting:

IT'S SO SHINY I COULD DIE!!!!

One K Helmet Defender with Bling - list price $399.00
Ok, I haven't actually tried these on yet. That said, my local tack store does carry them and the cheaper models are worth looking in to. They're a new look with all the same high tech goodies and I just want to try them. As long as it's a hypothetical Christmas list, I want the sparkles. ALL THE SPARKLES.

I'd be the coolest at everything

Dublin Pinnacle Boots - list price $199.00
I have loved these boots for like two years. I really, really want them and would wear them all the time. That said, there isn't a parallel universe in which I can see myself paying $200 for muck boots. Not even really cute muck boots that I could wear around town or ride in. Still. A girl can dream.

So classy

Kerrit's Coach's Coat - list price $199.00
I love coats. Not only would any color of this coat look awesome with my above helmet and boots, but all I'd be so warm and dry and chic and layered. I've never owned a long coat like this, but I'm sure it would make me look all svelte and model-y.

Because I love leather

Higher Standards Leather care - list price ~$15-20
I have wanted this stuff since I first heard about it. I've entered two different contests to win it, but no luck. My money has gone other places the past couple months, but maybe I'll be able to snag some early next year. Regardless, it sounds glorious and I want it all.

To fit a tiny Courage face

Ovation Fancy Stitched Wide Noseband Bridle - list price $164.95
I'm still flirting with my hunter dreams for Courage. This would get us going on the local circuit. If we wanted to go to A shows, I'm pretty sure I'd need an Arc De Triumph, but until then the Ovation would do nicely. I'd probably want a matching standing martingale, too.

Might help if I looked like her

Under Armor base layer top and bottom - list price $49.99 a piece
I hate being cold and something like this would be amazing for the cold winter months. I could use it for running and riding and be slightly less cold than I am usually.









Ogilvy Equestrian half pad - list price $239.00
I just want one.

Who wouldn't?








All the pretty things. I know I have lots to be thankful for and my life is plenty full without all the coolest and nicest things, but it's fun to look. What's on your dream wishlist this Christmas?

Treasure Hunt!

Fun comes in bags!

Steph was back in the barn today and she brought with her a very exciting thing: trash bags!

Specifically, trash bags full of all kinds of interesting things for me to sort through. I tell myself I'm not just nerding out like a ridiculousl lil' tack 'ho. It's educational to handle all different types and brands of items. It helps me learn without spending money.

Let's face it: it's also just plan fun.

The most exciting thing I found was this gem: an very expensive Antares helmet in brand new condition still in the bag, in my size.

For those of you who don't track current trends, this is one of those "it" items right now that tons of international competitors are wearing.

Omg! I'm Richard Spooner!

I was baffled as to why it fit me--I have a certifiably giant oval head and Steph has a small, round head.

Obviously I had to try it on a take a picture.

Let's just not talk about how many tries it takes me to do a self portrait with a touch screen phone. Kind of embarrassing.

I got all the things sorted into appropriate piles and will take a giant heap of things in for consignment tomorrow. Or Thursday. Or some day in the near future in which I am not so hopelessly overbooked that I don't know what to do with myself. Ha! Let me know if you hear of a day like that.

Poor Cuna got shafted--everything else I was doing took too long and I didn't have time to ride. I'm sure he was very resentful as I fed him about 3 pounds of carrots and petted him and told him what a handsome man he was.

The Great Helmet Debate

As I hope you all are aware, it is critical to replace your helmet any time you fall off and land on it. If you don't, it simply isn't protecting you.

As such, when I fell off and landed on my helmet, I went to replace it. First I went to my local tack store, but that was a massive fail (don't even get me started). I tried to order online with overnight shipping at two different retailers, but both were backordered for a couple weeks. Useless! My next move was to call Smartpak (yes, the number is programmed into my phone) and check their availability. They had the beautiful helmet I was eyeing and immediately sent it via three day shipping for a minimal charge.

Unfortunately, this process had been dragging out and I wanted to be back in the saddle. A fellow boarder had purchased a helmet in the wrong size and offered to sell it to me. Problem: it was the ugliest helmet I had ever seen:


Ugly or not, it was better than a broken helmet and cheaper than a permanent brain injury, so I gritted my teeth and bought it off her.

I continued riding in it until my lovely new helmet arrived.








Here it is! Charles Owen JR8. I actually ordered it in black, but they sent the black/charcoal, and it's pretty too.

Anyways, here is my problem. Now that I have the pretty helmet, I don't want to ride in it. I recognize that if I fall off, I'll have to replace it. I'd far rather break the hideously ugly helmet and have this...

Consciously, I know I should just get over it and wear the pretty one. That way I can punish myself for falling off by making myself wear the ugly one until a new pretty one can come. It's a good incentive. It even makes sense--wear the one you like, keep one in reserve.

I have only taken the pretty one out of the box to try on, though. I can't imagine getting it all dirty and yucky.

What to do?

First Fall Post-Crash

Check out this action. This is the jump set up for my (and Devon's) lesson on Saturday. It looks pretty cool and a little confusing, and it totally is.

We started out by doing some position exercises--mostly two point at the walk. As the sun came up, we went to trot around the whole arena, and just as we passed the spot where I'm standing to take this picture, Izzy took off like a bat out of hell. I give you this section from Izzy's perspective:

"So I'm totally trotting around with mom bopping along on top of me. I have no idea what she's doing (nor.mal.) so I'm just looking around at these big pretty bushes. Clearly mom has no idea what's going on-she's just kicking me forward and keeping the reins loose. Doesn't she have any idea what -might- be in there???? OMFG GIANT ATTACK BUNNY RABBIT!!! RUN RUN RUN GET AWAY SAVE YOURSELF!!! SADDLE SLID!!!! ZOMFGZFZFZ THERE IS A DERANGED MONKEY HANGING OFF MY SIDE WHERE DID MOM GO MUST GET AWAY FROM MONKEY!!!!#%^#@%!!!"

At this point, I fell off. Izzy stopped a stride or two later and gave me a bit of a look. Her saddle was twisted off to the side. Thankfully my breastcollar kept it from going under her. Nothing like a loose-ish girth and a round horse, is there?

Anyways. There were drag marks in the arena from me. I landed on my butt and my neck and it hurt like crazy.

I got up, rearranged everything, and got back on. After all, I am having a lesson. I'm not going to lie. It was terrifying. It was all I could do to bite back the tears and grit my teeth. I MUST finish. I WILL finish. I hurt, but I will.not.quit. At least, not until the lesson is over.

After all, I still had this to do. (NOTE: video is of Stephanie on Foster. This is to demonstrate the exercise we were doing.)

Do you see the line? Not yellow to yellow. Low yellow to red to red. Three jumps. One stride between each. 45 degree angles. One straight line.

There is no time to make adjustments or use the reins. You have to come in perfectly straight and stay perfectly still.

Izzy and I totally rocked it. I may have been terrified to trot around the perimeter of the arena, but I could canter complex courses. So it goes.

Sunday was not my best day ever. I couldn't turn my neck and I was in constant pain. I opted not to ride, but I noticed that after I came off, Izzy was still super spooky every time we went through that corner. I had to grab mane each time just to keep from hitting her in the mouth.

So Sunday I booted her up and we went to lunge in the scary corner.

Damn, she looks good.

I made use of our groundwork training from this summer, really getting her to be responsive.

I kept her forward, made her stop and reverse directions on command, and let her work the kinks out. All without turning my head. Ouch.

No worries--I am/was the expected level of sore, so nothing is broken. It just hurt.

I have not been back on yet. I was all alone at the barn today and am in process of replacing my helmet, so I decided that plus the residual pain made it a bad idea. Still, I am playing through my head mental video of what happened and trying to change my reactions. I need to correct this 'cling like a deranged monkey' trait. It's really not helping anything.