It Went Shopping

It's been a stressful... while... and as I'm sure y'all assumed, I weathered that storm with my usual coping mechanism of buying all the shit I could find. It started out innocuously enough: Lindsey pointed out that smartpak had a killer deal on my favorite breeches, so I bought two pairs because they don't last the longest.

This was like the day before Thanksgiving.

Then what happened... hm... Peony listed a set of Le Mieux bell boots and I wanted to give them a whirl.

pictured with mini-Courage

And then Amanda started hyping the If the Bonnet Fits BOGO Black Friday sale. I'm a sucker for bonnets, but I can't even count the number of black and navy bonnets I have right now, so if I did it, I needed something different, you know? I came up with one (custom, undisclosed) design on my own and made husband-of-the-year go through an extensive ITBF photo album until we found the perfect design for C. (Noted: hubs didn't even get annoyed. The man is a wonder.)

yeah want it need it hurry up already

But then I had colors on the brain so I stole this whole Le Mieux outfit from C's auntie Crystal:

FANCEH

It looked so fantastic that auntie Crystal bought him his own outfit. (Hey look! Something I didn't buy!)

I was having some attacks of conscience over the amount of $ spent though, so I listed a bunch of things I didn't need any more and Jodi contacted me to offer to trade TSF girths since we each had the size the other needed.

so anatomic!

Of course, around this time I got completely walloped in a car accident so I actually haven't put said girth on said horse since receiving it, but dammit I know I could. If I could lift the saddle. We'll see. Whilst lying on the couch suffering/recuperating, I received this super fantastic blogger secret santa present from Stacie, along with tiny candy canes and hot cocoa mix and lovely festive wrapping!

so cool. so blue!

When I finally peeled myself off the couch for a pre-Christmas outing, I ended up coming home with this fantastic monster sweater for teeny dog!

so badass

Ok yes this is a horse blog and y'all don't care about my dogs but OMG HES TEENY AND WEARING A MONSTER SWEATER.

Whatever. My goal is to be the crazy teeny dog lady when I'm old.

Anyways, then my blog stickers showed up (which means if you wanted some and I haven't told you I mailed them to you, contact me and I will).

stickers!

And my dad got me a sportsball-themed halter and lead rope for Christmas, so I snagged a matching santa hat for C and did a sportsball photo shoot.

are we cute or what?

 And then Riding Warehouse had a site-wide 20% off sale which included the new Majyk Equipe dressage boots. If you're over here like "wtf SB last time you put Majyk Equipe boots on C, he completely lost his shit", then yes, we're on the same page. But I bought them because they were purple and I wanted them.

plus they were $55/set with free shipping

 But as we all know, one purple thing requires another. I have very marked preferences in saddle pads and that preference is Ogilvy. Well, technically my favorite is the flannel Mattes, but I loathe and despise the foam Mattes which is way more common and both Mattes are 2x the cost of Ogilvy, so Ogilvy it is.

hullo

 The point is, there's some seller who has a few colors of brand new dressage Ogilvy pads on eBay and one of those colors contained purple to match our new outfit. Plus, when I put all the purple things on C, he was fantastic and apparently completely forgot how much he used to hate non-slip liners in boots. Maybe he was holding out for purple?

sexy

In non-purple news, I also tracked down a set of Vienna reins (that you've already seen), ordered some sparkles that you will see when they show up, and possibly have been sitting here waiting for a biggish-ticket item that I ordered over a month ago and the shipping gods only saw fit to release a couple days ago. Oh and another thing. Not including the things I got for other people. And possibly some things I forgot.

and this other thing. and maybe a fauxssoa.

In case you're keeping track, the number of times I've ridden since getting any of these things is 0. And my PT says I'm still grounded. But dammit, I'm so ready.

Help a Sister Out!

Most of you are probably familiar with Alyssa--not only is she one of my best friends, she's also eventer and artist extraordinaire. Her amazing mare Bacon went and racked up some vet bills, so Alyssa is offering really cool custom art pieces at a fantastic price.

I have a painting Alyssa did of my old man Cuna and let me tell you, she really captures the essence of her subjects.

You might also recognize Bobby:

Or Racing to Ride's Beefheart.

Alyssa also does really cool captures of dogs. And she kicks ass at photography, but unless you're local, I'm not loaning her out.

content yourself with this awesome dog pic
I learned it's called "mixed media"

It's a really cool way to commemorate a special horse or dog in your life or a friend, it helps out a really great person, and really, what other incentive do you need? ;-)

I mean, no pressure, but if you're interested in an awesome custom portrait, there's no time like the present.

2017 Goals

Ok I'm trying AGAIN to set realistic goals that make sense for my life and my horse. I'm not aiming at specific scores or shows or levels.

Courage Goals:
1) Starting in February, keep him in work 3x a week--lunging, riding, groundwork.
2) As circumstances permit, pro training (lesson or pro ride) 4x a month.
3) 5 off-property excursions: trail ride, clinic, lesson, horse show, or just hanging out with friends.

Courage and I have a complicated relationship. He's talented but difficult. I want to start the year out developing him into a horse I can enjoy owning. I'm half tempted to say that I need to figure out where I stand with him, but that's too complicated. Just know that I'm aiming to knock these out in the first half of the year, and if they don't pan out or aren't fun, we may be exploring other equine avenues.

Horse Goals: 
4) Get acclimated to riding second level movements whether on Courage or on school horses.
5) Audit at least three different clinicians.
6) Attend (either as volunteer or competitor) at least three dressage shows.
7) Ride 10 other horses in a non-toodling capacity.

Whatever happens with Courage, I want to keep developing my education and abilities. Dressage is where I'm at right now, so I want to see what's out there for someone like me. Whether or not this is the sport I stick to, I want to give it a good, solid try.

Meta Goals:
8) Attend 1-2 top level equine sporting events (advanced eventing, grand prix dressage or jumping)
9) Train for and complete either a 10k or half marathon, body-permitting.
10) Do core workouts 1-2x a week ALL YEAR LONG (body permitting).

In addition to becoming more educated about dressage, I think there is a lot of value in getting exposed to the top of the sport. It shows me what I'm headed for and what all this builds into (maybe eventually. you know.) I also want to cultivate my overall fitness in pursuit of being a stronger person all around. I'm pretty limited in what I can do right now (thanks stupid giant truck slamming into me), but I anticipate being normal eventually.

There. Ten goals. All achievable (theoretically).

can't stop us now

My New BFFS: Vienna Reins

Due to exciting and ongoing complications of having my tiny car smashed by a giant truck whilst I was driving it, riding is still out of the question. Or at least, when I put it in the question, Alyssa and Lindsey rain down hell until I remember I'm brain damaged and probably should listen to them.

However, Courage needs to go back to work. He's had over a month off. I do want to ride again EVENTUALLY and I need to get him thinking and working so my trainer can start back with him. Thus, when a friend recommended vienna reins to me, I told her they were a terrible idea because of how claustrophobic C and and promptly bought a set. #tackho

If you're not familiar with Vienna reins, they're a lunging aid. One strap clips to the center of the girth between the forelegs and runs up towards the bit. Then the strap forks. I run one strap through either ring of the snaffle (inside to outside) and clip it back to the surcingle. This would work well in a saddle also, but given I was afraid someone would lose his shit and die, I'd rather trash the $10 garage sale surcingle than the $$$$ Custom saddle.

The effect of the Vienna reins on the horse is pretty simple. The horse can move it's head and neck around within the range of the reins. The horse works the reins themselves--if they push up, the reins pull down (sort of), but the moment the horse gives, the reins do too. It's bloody brilliant, frankly.

If you've looked at my many (many many) lunging pictures from the past year, you probably noticed that I had been running the lunging line through the inside bit ring back to the girth with one fixed outside side rein. This arrangement was preferable to two fixed reins, which Courage will just invert and brace against, but when he kicked it in to flight mode, it still gave him something to really brace on and blast away.

zoom zoom zoom

The beauty of the vienna reins is that nothing is fixed--Courage can't hit "that point" and really lock his body against them AND when he tries to fling his head and take off (like... always), he gets that steady downward pressure that instantly releases when he lowers his head.

What's more, my main question mark with these was that since there is no way to fully "release" them if he panicked, would they kick his claustrophobia into overdrive and do more harm than good?

day one

day two

day three

Answer: apparently not. I introduced these pretty gradually--just hand walking and w/t the first day, then a few days off, then w/t and sneak in half a canter the second, then actual work and trot poles (!!) the third.

right lead canter? can it be?

Courage the claustrophobic princess hasn't protested once. Not even a little.  He figured them out quickly and seems completely fine with them. Last time we worked in them, he had some distractions and acted up a big, but since there is nothing for him to brace on, the freak out/flail response was markedly less dramatic.

SPOOK

I think my favorite thing about this setup is that it acts on both sides of the horse evenly. With the other lunging set up we used, Courage tended to track unevenly behind and be VERY crooked to the right. The Vienna reins are the same on both sides, so Courage is tracking up evenly both directions and I have a few more options to try and keep him straight to the right.

not bad for being freshly back in work

 I never think lunging is an ideal way to spend time, but it's what we have right now. I'm very pleased with the work Courage is putting in. Instead of fighting the flail, I'm experimenting with exercises to encourage him to push from behind, lift his withers, and reach forward to the bit. Omg! Sort of like dressage!

Eventually, I'll be back in that (very expensive) saddle of mine, but until that day, I'm glad I've found a way to get Courage working again.

PS link to video if you're very, very bored.

Snerk. Sob. 2016 Goals.

I was going to do my usual evaluation of my goals set early in 2016 and see how this year measured up.

But basically, there's no way I can write that post without sounding like a clinically-depressed failure. Believe you me, I tried. And it was like "goddamnit this person sucks and they need to stop". (Noted: concussion not really helping with writing skills at this juncture.)

Anyways. My goals were predicated on 1) Courage maintaining a steady, upwards trajectory in training 2) My finances maintaining or increasing as the year went on and 3) Non-horse things staying relatively stable.

Since none of those things happened, I hit like 2.5 out of 11 goals. That's super bad in terms of goals.

Instead of dwelling on how bad it is, I want to re-assess my goal making process. I took an excellent leadership/goals/cool army shit class one time and we talked about goal making. Good goals need to be:

Specific - no amorphous "i want to feel happy someday", yes "i will train 5x a week"
Measurable - see above. you can't quantify emotions
Achievable - has to be something i control, not relying on a judge's opinion
Realistic - obviously "grand prix 2017" is not happening here
Time Bound - these are annual goals, so something i can achieve in a year

I'm using my limited brain power to put together a more achievable list for next year. Fingers crossed?

Overly Personal

Despite how it might appear online, I'm a very private person. There are parts of my life I'll share with anyone anytime, but there are also a lot of parts I share with no one, ever.

quintessential lap chiweenie

This past year has entailed dealing with a lot of bullshit that falls on the "no one, ever" side of the spectrum. It's not strictly horse-related, so it's not 100% relevant to this blog.

But.

What are horses, if not thousand pound mirrors of everything we like and hate about ourselves?

me too buddy

So without getting overly detailed and personal, I think we can agree that Courage and I have a tenuous (rocky?) relationship. It's hot and cold and on and off and omg the vacillations have probably exhausted you all. I've received many well-intentioned, well-reasoned opinions from people I like and trust to just sell the horse. It's good advice. It's advice I'd give myself in a similar situation. I'm not offended by it and I honestly appreciate the outside perspective.

I keep hanging on to Courage against reason. Against logic. Against everything. And it's not even like I'm head over heels for him most of the time, you know? I have good rides and I'm like "omg <3", but just as often, I have incredibly terrible rides (if I can even catch him) and leave the barn supremely frustrated. And then there's now, where I'm not even riding and he's still being an asshole.

yeah it's cool i wanted to spend hours cooling you out DUMBASS

In any circumstances, that's more than enough to justify finding something easier. This is a hobby. It's supposed to be fun. I'm back on the "definitely not fun" swing of things. Courage is impossible to catch, impossible to handle, and an absolute twit to work with.

But see.

I'm working through a lot of things personally. Things like keeping everyone and everything in my life at arm's length. Or being so guarded that I never let anyone close so they can't hurt me. Compulsively hiding any trace of emotion so no one knows how I really feel, ever. Deep-seated (justifiable) anger. Disappointment. Loss.

I am 100% polished and professional at pushing everyone away.

And that's a me-problem, not a Courage-problem.

whoops

Another me-problem is that my lack of trust in future outcomes means I'm very driven by what happens in the moment. Which means I have a freakishly hard time seeing through the difficult present to a possibly brighter future.

hmmm

Which is to say, I'm very emotionally unstable right now and then I piled a concussion on top of that. If you've never had a concussion, just know they're the worst. I can't think or concentrate on anything, I make stupid errors, and I forget everything. It's maddening.

Courage is not the forgiving type to start with, he's never been easy, and I guess the best thing I can say for him is that he's 100% "genuine", meaning he goes like shit when he feels like shit and he doesn't apologize for yanking my chain, ever.

That's just Courage. Take it or leave it.

yup

Between the "emotionally unstable", the "concussion protocol", and then the "SB hasn't ridden since 12/1" problem, I'm a giant ball of angst. I go back and forth between "I should just shoot him in his stupid head" and "omg <3 he's making me a better person and we're in this together".

Like. Both those emotions in the same half second or so.

super awesome blogger secret santa present!

I'm trying to accept that I simply am emotionally unstable right now for reasons outside my control and actually not because of Courage. I know that my interactions with him are just a reflection of the larger pile of shit I'm wading through and frankly, the weather is freaking horrible and it's really not a bad idea for him to have some time off.

But dammit, I really want to just go out to the barn and walk into my horse's stall and have him meet me at the gate and be one of those "everything is ok" horses where I can hop on and toodle around when I need to.

And he's not that.

nope

I can't make him that.

I can't control what's going on around me. I can't always trust my own judgement. I know I'm not in a place to make big decisions right now.

What I can do is make a plan.

step one: stick head in snowbank

Courage is getting December off. He hasn't been ridden anyways and as my trainer pointed out, he's an all or nothing horse.

I don't know if I can ride come January, but I feel confident that I'll be able to lunge or work him in hand 2-3 days a week. My trainer will be able to ride him 2x a week as weather permits.

definitely things to work on

Generally, February means we start being able to ride outside again around here, so hopefully by them I'm back in the saddle and Courage is in a program.

The maddening thing with basically everything in my life right now is that I have no control over it. I can't put it on a schedule. I can't say when I'll feel better. I can't say when or if my head will start working right again.

but i have cute pets

So yeah. I can't fix Courage and he doesn't always give me the warm fuzzies. I can buy him a metric ton of shit (actual scenario), put a plan together, and feel like there's one tiny corner of my life that's starting to make sense.

And sometimes, one tiny corner is all I get.

pic courtesy of the Thoughtful Equestrian

2016 Year in Review

These are my favorite posts of the year! I love looking back at everyone's adventures and remembering what we got through. Here goes.

JANUARY

Not much changes about January. It's a shitty month with bad weather, which prompts survivalist posts like "The Winter Rider" where I talk about making smart choices to not die.

It also prompts thinking posts like "Training the Sensitive Horse" where I reflect on the type of horse Courage is and the best ways to get through to him. And sappy posts about trust and relationships, like this one.

january trotting!

FEBRUARY

Apparently the weather finally decided to be less horrible, because Courage and I got ourselves back in regular(ish) lessons. In Learning Lessons, we used our trainer as a relationship counselor and started figuring out hard to get through the hard parts together. 

And then there was the Fantastic or Insane post where I talked about starting to bridge the gap between Courage being nuts and Courage being rideable. We actually had a lesson where I rode the whole time and he kept his brain in his head. Proggress! 

feb trotting!

And who can forget that one time Lindsey and I went complete nuts and bought a pile of shit from India! 

MARCH

Our relationship continued changing in March. Courage was learning how to trust me, and I was realizing that riding better meant deep ass soreness. 

Plus I started experimenting with dressage saddles and had the most amazing fail contest ever.

march trotting! (early precious sighting)

APRIL

I mentioned I was trying saddles. 

That escalated quickly. I fell in love and sold a good chunk of the hoard to afford it.

On a riding front, things were very mixed. Courage went to his first show of the year and freaking killed it at training level (70% WHAT WHAT). At home, he was a nut job who wouldn't let me catch him in the field.

april show trotting

MAY

May was basically one start-to-finish shitshow. As per the usual, I guess. 

We had out first level debut at a schooling show. Day one was bad, day two was worse. 

After that, I snarked at people who felt the need to run me down and opted out of paying through the nose to go fail at recognized shows.

may trotting!

Disappointing is the best thing I can say about that month.

JUNE

In June, we rallied and tried to go to another show. It. Was. Terrible. 

I struggled with whether to keep Courage. I got laid off from my job. I got super depressed and decked my horse out like he was going to a show.

June trotting

I started seeing some progress on the lunge line from our consistency under saddle, but it was not really making up for the rest of my life.

JULY

This month at least started out on a better note--I wrote a guide to the hot, emotional horse and talked about how the little things added up to game changers for Courage. I also got my job back, which is a game changer for me. 

We celebrated our three year anniversary together and he stepped out of the closet. I apparently failed at getting any under-saddle kickass trotting pictures, but we did canter sometimes.

Years in a row of posting every weekday was wearing on me though.

AUGUST

I was dealing with heavy personal issues and piling internet dumbasses on top proved to be too much to handle, so I signed off for a bit. Even with his struggles, Courage was helping me deal with life. 

I started reflecting on the process of developing a horse without getting bogged down in the daily details. Courage and I revisited our jumper roots (with mixed results). 

August trotting

We ended the month with new sparkles and a new appreciation for the partnership we were building.

SEPTEMBER

September ushered us in to a new era--Courage started pro training. I also discovered that a horse in training expects to be ridden by people who know what they're doing.

I also audited a Tik Maynard clinic that helped me think about how and why I did what I did with Courage. 

september trotting

I also wrote a craft how-to for people who don't craft. It's harder than you'd think.

OCTOBER

We kicked things into gear on the training front--I got myself into lessons and Courage was developing well. I had a family crisis that entailed skipping a lot of barn days and buying a lot of tack. 

We also tried out some new bodywork stuff that went really well. We even signed up for an open show. 

october trotting

What could possibly go wrong? 

NOVEMBER

For reasons that I'm sure are COMPLETELY UNRELATED to 2016 taking a massive dump all over me, November landed me back on the struggle bus in terms of Courage. Our open show was a catastrophe, Courage was increasingly worse at home, and I wasn't coping well. 

I did come up with a plan and ride in a clinic, but things were not good.

November Trotting

DECEMBER

December is pretty anti-climactic. I had an inspired revelation about why my horse was a complete lunatic, but then my poor car got blown to smithereens and I still haven't recovered. 

I was trying to stay consistent with the pro training, but the weather and the horse are stubbornly determined to not cooperate. Courage might be back under saddle this week. Or maybe not til February. 

yeah let's think that one through carefully

I can't say I'm sad to see 2016 go. It's been a pretty terrible year on a lot of levels. Despite all that, I've learned a lot and hey, if you examine my monthly trotting pictures, there is definitely progress shown. 

Onwards and upwards!